The Proboscis
Sunday, April 27, 2008
  Well, I'll be. There's a group of Amish volunteers from northern Indiana in the lobby this morning.

They're on their way to New Orleans to work for a week.

A Mennonite is driving. 
Sunday, September 16, 2007
  Blue Ridge Autumn: the Video A very very short animated image set. 
Thursday, August 12, 2004

To better facilitate student move-in to the Quad residence halls for our new first-year residents and their parents tomorrow, Aug. 13, Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reports that two temporary traffic and parking changes will be in effect.

Quad Drive will be closed tomorrow to all vehicles except new residents physically unloading and moving in. No vehicles will be permitted to enter Quad Drive after 4:42 p.m. this afternoon. Also, Laxtahatchilogolola Street between Theodore Roosevelt Drive and Cow Avenue will be one-way only north bound from 7:31 a.m. to 5:11 p.m., tomorrow. Access to that section of Laxtahatchilogolola Street will be limited exclusively to the vehicles of the new Quad residents physically moving in, and who have properly filled out a New Student Move In Permit Application and have been approved and received the proper windshield and bumper tags. On-street parking on Laxtahatchilogolola Street will not be excused after noon today through Friday morning, August 13, at 8:53 a.m., except for motorcycles and for Nuclear Science department vehicles. All other vehicles doing so will be subject to immediate ticketing and towing. Chief Randolph notes that impound fees are now $500. On Friday, recommended access to the Library is through the Parking Deck and the Library's south entrance, except for incoming students, who may use the third level access from the Parking Deck.
  Schedule Adjustment

Dr. Junior Winston, assistant head vice director of the Directorate of Sports Information, has announced that the first game of the season against Moore's Bridge Barber College, originally scheduled for Saturday, August 14, has been rescheduled to Saturday, October 30. Dr. Winston states that this change was due to the unforeseen circumstance of a recent National Guard call-up of tonsorial specialists. The 1178th Scalp Maintenance Detachment headquartered in Pickens County includes all 40 members of the Moore's Bridge football team, making it difficult for them to show up for a game. The detachment is not expected to be sent overseas, and should be released from standby in time to play on the rescheduled date. 
Monday, August 09, 2004
  WSU Scientists to Help Local Farmers

In an exciting development, the Poultry Science Department of Weevil State University has announced a new break-through in edible avians.

Dr. Hutter Bleen spoke to the staff of THE PROBOSCIS at the departmental open house this past weekend, and revealed what he called “a startling advancement that is sure to be well-received by local poultry farmers.”

Dr. Bleen’s innovation is a new breed of hummingbird that combines the unique hummingbird flavor in a more marketable size. “You know,” said Dr. Bleen, “while we all love the taste of hummingbird, often they are so small that you have eaten six or a dozen even before you’ve even realized it.”

Asked about the process, Dr. Bleen was typically cagey about the details, “I cannot tell you everything, but we have managed through the judicious use of science--real science--to do something with the genetics of the hummingbird so that they can grow to the size of a crow.”

Dr. Bleen was queried as to the impact such tampering with God’s will had on the flavor of the birds. “Oh, no impact at all,” said Dr. Bleen, “they still taste just like chicken. Except sweeter. Sort of like the lemon chicken from Jade Dragon. But mostly like chicken.”

Finally, Dr. Bleen was asked about the eponymous nature of the hummingbird’s name, and if, in fact, the birds still hummed. “Oh, yes, of course they do. Of course, the tone is deeper since the wings are larger, something like a large box fan set on high. What’s going to be even better is when we are able to work in some mynah bird to the mix, so that they can talk when they are tired of humming.”

Junior Wilburn, local hummingbird farmer, was asked his opinion of the promise of these supersized birds. “I reckon it’s okay,” he said. “I’d have to taste one first to know if it’s worth building bigger hummingbird sheds for. Right now, they only take up a little spot over by the branch. But I reckon it’s okay. I just hope they don’t do away with the hummingbird subsidy.”

Roy J. Leroy, local undersecretary to the assistant chief supervisor of the Local Initiatives in Avian Research branch of the Division of Poultry Marketing in the Department of Agriculture could not be reached for comment. 
  Meeting Announcement

The Tri-County Area League of Undecided Voters will be conducting a voter education seminar or a mock presidential debate on Wednesday, August 18 at 2:30 p.m. to 3:45 p.m., or on Saturday, August 28 at 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. The meeting will be held at the National Guard Armory on West North Boulevard, or in the Ted McGinley Auditorium on campus. For more information, please contact Mrs. Willadean Necker, sergeant-at-arms of the League, or Dr. Roger Sore, treasurer.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
  GSUSAASC Media Day Report

WEEVIL STATION, AL -- Weevil State University’s Bull Winston was the first head coach to meet with the media today at the Great South USA American South Football Media Days, held at the Steer Inn Conference Center on the Bypass. His opening remarks were interesting.

“We are going to play us some football this year,” said Winston.

Coming off a rather disappointing season last year in which Weevil State attained a overall record of 4-5 and a third place finish in the Conference, with an especially galling loss to the all-female Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, those are mighty big words.

“And them ain’t just big words,” said Winston.

Winston was asked about the divisiveness that was caused during the season by the revelation of the infamous plane trip by several school officials to Bon Secour to woo South Baldwin Technical School’s Ribby Penderlos for the head coaching job, a trip that became public knowledge and a public embarrassment.

“I have no comment about that now, seeing as how them trustees, may they rest in peace, are no longer with the University. It just wouldn’t be right to talk about how they all backstabbed on me like that. You should let people rest in peace after they are gone to their reward, because it works an awful hardship on their families when you remind them that their loved ones are being roasted alive by Satan hisself,” said Winston.

Coach Winston said he plans to do things differently this year in his hunt for a title. “I am going to do things different,” Winston was quoted as saying.

High on the list is the offense, which Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says, “has got to come out of the blocks; we don't have the luxury of leaning on the defense.” This statement was quickly agreed to by Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston. “I heard that,” said Coach [Hick] Winston.

Senior quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson has seen his star rapidly fall this year, being usurped in spring drills by sophomore John Walking Tree of Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada. [Red] Winston, noting that Tree had played Canadian ball before coming south, was initially skeptical of his abilities. “I was initially skepeptible of his abilities,” said Coach [Red] Winston, “but he seems alright I reckon.”

Tree and running backs Louder Macaphee and Ronnie Joe Wickie are back but the defense lost five of its top seven players up front. “I ain’t too worried,” [Hick] Winston said, “because we got us a secret weapon.”

Asked what this secret weapon is, Coach [Hick] Winston winked and motioned to a frightened-looking bunch of bearded young men in the corner of the spacious Weevil Room of the Steer Inn. “See them boys yonder? Well, we got us a call from the Defense Department--seems they had some extra fellows they found over somewhere in the Middle East or somewheres and they say they had all kinds of football experience. I think they mean soccer football, but whatever, because I tell you what, when you yell at them to move, they move! They seem to be real skittish when we get in a huddle, though.”

Head Coach Bull Winston continued on, “we're on the hot seat every year; last year we was picked to win it, but obviously, we was a little overrated. I do feel like we can compete now with anybody we play, irregardless of who that is or what sort of politics might be going on behind my back.”

[Bull] Winston said the troubles of the past year, including the incident when the team was discovered patronizing a strip joint in an ill-fated bus trip to Miskatonic University, have served as a “learning experience” for everyone involved.

“I feel more confident than I have in thirty-six years at Weevil State,” Winston said of his standing. While refusing to express his dismay with the plane trip and its aftermath, [Bull] Winston said the reason he felt no deep seated hatred or grudge was because the players believed in him and the “true Weevil fans” voiced their continued support for him. A tear glistened in his eye as he mentioned the dozens of students who would come to him after the revelation of the escapade and say he was doing a good job. “It always makes me just a little misty-eyed.” Winston excused himself and turned away to wipe his eyes and take a drink from his hip flask. “Them is just a fine bunch of students.”

FRESHMAN NEWS: Coach [Bull] Winston said a number of true freshmen are expected to play, including defensive tackle Truo Duc Pham (General Business) of Fort Lauderdale, FL, wingback Hucky Reedernol (General Business) of Pine Mountain, AL, and free safety Ricky Shawn Bobblenob (General Business) of East Point, GA, whom coach [Hick] Winston said was “one of the best young defensive secondary players named Ricky that I've ever seen come out of East Point within the last three to four weeks.”

The Weevil State University Football Coaching Staff Roster includes:

Head Coach: Bull Winston
Offensive Coordinator: Red Winston
Defensive Coordinator: Hick Winston
Special Teams Coach: Rory Winston
Quarterbacks Coach: Sonny Winston
Halfbacks Coach: Needer Winston
Pressbox Coach: Nock Winston
Head Trainer: Luther Winston
Assistant Head Trainer: Buddy Winston

2004-2005 Season Schedule (Conference games marked with *; Away games marked with ~; Homecoming marked with +)

*~Moore’s Bridge Barber College--August 14
*Bay Minette A&M--August 21
~Western Colorado Benedictine Seminary--August 28
~Hollis Crossroads Vocational University--September 4
OPEN--September 11
+Tri-County Metro Firefighter’s School--September 18
*Central North Community College--September 25
OPEN--October 2
*~Northwest Autauga Normal Institute--October 9
Noxubee River College--October 16
*De Funiak Springs Mechanical University--October 23

GSUSAASC Conference Championships--November 13-20

Media Day was sponsored in part by Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hyundai Suzuki, "Where you go to drive away in a car!"; Fuddpucker's Floor Coverings and Tile and Carpet and Rugs; and by The Steer Inn, "When you're hungry for a steak and you're on the road, just Steer Inn!" Richly-appointed Convention Center rooms available for parties of 6 to 25 persons. 
  Crime Report

--At 7:30 pm Monday evening, Central Dispatch received a call from Dorm D reporting the presence of a suspicious package at the dumpster. Officer Xiau was dispatched and reported finding an empty cigarette carton on the ground. No suspects were found.

--Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reminds all returning students that the area around Old Main is off limits to vehicular traffic, except for those students with a Type L Traffic Congestion Mitigation Pass, and all staff of Old Main with the proper yellow hangtag. Staff with blue hangtags are not to use the south entrance except on Thursday. New students must immediately register vehicles upon entrance to campus. A temporary transit permit may be obtained at the gate to allow new students to travel to the Central Parking Office to apply for a parking decal or Transportation Voucher. Applications take 3-5 weeks for processing, during which time new students will be issued a Temporary Vehicular Operation Permit, which must be displayed at all times when on campus, except for those students granted a Religious Emblems Waiver by the Ecclesiastical Council Office. All other traffic rules will be enforced.

--A ladies size twelve tan open-toed high-heeled shoe was found in the gymnasium. 
  For Sale

1979 Chevrolet Chevette--2dr, lite blue w/ tan vinyl int, 4 cyl, auto, ac. Fully restored to factory mint condition, no expense spared--over $40k invested. Must sell, will sacrifice for only $32K.

Contact Keiler Mortglandson, Ext. 2-908. Can be seen at Willard Scott Dorm. 
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
  Coach Bull Winston here. This newspaper business can't be that hard considering tyhe people you see in it. Why some of the reporters who show up at our games can barely spell football much less know anythin=g about it and as far as knowing anyting about anything else, well you just think about it.

I stand accused of nefariously stealing the electrons of this rag and I don't even knwo what nefariously means but I assure you I didn't do it. If I was to go looking for an electron stealer, I'd dtart over in the engineering school =not uin the athletic department. I don't think we even have a single player who knows what an electron is except for maybe Joey and he done gone and lost his mind and is studying and I can't get him to do anything.

Anyway, I'm sure you have already noticed that the qualkity of thsi rag ahs gone up alot since I took over a few minutes ago.

If'n we had had a few less distractions and could have won a few more games, I would be off at a bowl game and not here to do this so I guess y'all can be thankful for a less than good season for the Fighting Weevils.

Leroy Fuddpucker will not be making any announcements or doing any commercials while I publish this paper so if you want ot fgo to Mentone with him, then you had best look him up down at his store on Fuddpucker Sqaure.

What do you mean I need an editor? I'm the head-doggone-coach and I think I can write a few paragraphs without some preissy editor helping. 
Monday, December 15, 2003
  The Proboscis has been about shut down for a few weeks now as our devoted readers know. Leroy Fuddpucker says he has read the Chapel services announcement "about a hunnerd times" expecting something different each time.

We have been beset by final exams and the lawsuit from Coach "Bull" Winston and his nefarious electron stealing shenanigans and just haven't had time to keep up. Terry Oglesby, our intrepid Sportswriter, has been laid up with the "dires" because his beloved Auburn's woes and hasn't felt up to attending Weevil games and doing his usual superlative reporting, and besides he has to attend all those sissy Soccer games up in Huntsville and has had no time for anything else and we expect his next excuse will involve some dire emergency involving a group of short people of which he seems to have more than his fair share.

Leroy wanted me to mention that he is getting up a ski trip up to Mentone if it ever gets cold enough for them to make the snow. He says he intends to find out when they will make the snow since he thinks it would be real interesting to see how they make it fall out of the air just where they want it on the ski slope. Anyway, Leroy says he will drive his 1947 Bluebird School bus and all you have to do is chip in for gas and oil and pay your own lift tickets whatever that is. Leroy is not in to skiing, he just wants to see them make the snow.

Friday, November 14, 2003
  Sunday Service
Services at the Weevil Student Chapel (located in the basement of De Soto Hall) begin at 10 am with a time of fellowship. Church coffee and Hostess Twinkies and Ho-ho's will be served. Worship service starts at 11 am. Pastor Raster will give a sermon on "Preparing Your Heart, and Not Just the Turkey, for Thanksgiving". All prayer warriors are urged to attend a special prayer time following the service, lifting up the Proboscis and Weevil State University. 
Thursday, November 13, 2003
  Once again The Proboscis has proven to be a leader in the world of college journalism. We are the first college newspaper to have its online edition stolen by those who were upset by something we wrote. We believe the "perp" was Coach Bull Winston since he has been going around campus saying that he did. "I done it" he told your intrepid reporter.

We apologize for the lack of new material in almost two weeks, but when you have scoundrels stealing the stack of free electrons we post each day, what can you do other than appeal to the powers that be for assistance. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to find any "powers that be" so Coach Winston has been able to continue his nefarious deeds.

We are back only because Leroy Fuddpucker stopped by Coach Winston's office and spoke to him man to man about how he, Leroy, would like to get his newspaper without someone stealing it so he repossessed the Coach's computer.

Thanks Leroy and see Fuddpucker's Used Computers for all you data processing needs. Leroy says he has a good deal on a desktop with a slight dent.

Friday, October 31, 2003
  Melee on Campus

A brawl broke out last evening outside the Old Main Administration building involving faculty members who had gone out trick-or-treating.

According to Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, the incident began when one faculty member reached into the small plastic pumpkin-shaped bucket of another member and retrieved a piece of candy. After a flurry of cross words, blows were struck, and the ensuing fisticuffs soon involved at least forty faculty and staff members.

Dr. Phillip Sherdlownly, director of the Weevil State University Space Exploration and Small Engine Repair Program identified the original candy filcher as Professor Sheb Winston, of the Physical Appearances department. “I saw Professor Winston reach into Merlene’s [Dr. Merlene Flodimanner, Aquarium Science] little bucket and get out a Pixy Stik.

Professor Winston, when reached for comment, denied he had gotten anything out of Dr. Flodimanner’s bucket, “I don’t even LIKE Pixy Stix,” he said. “She’s the one who reached in and got a Fun Size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and threw it and hit me in the eye.”

Dr. Flodimanner strongly disputed Professor Winston’s version of events. “OH, he is such a creep. He had been following me around the whole time, wanting some of my Good & Plenties, but I told him to go away or I would report him for creating a hostile work environment.”

Dr. Flodimanner continued, “Well, we had just gotten back to Old Main when I could feel him beside me, running his hand all over my pumpkin. I looked around just in time to catch him with one of my Mounds in his hand, and so I turned around and yelled at him to stop, and he started acting like he hadn’t done anything, and well, things just got out of control.”

Indeed. Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph stated that the consequent affray caused approximately $59 worth of damage to the lawn and patio of Old Main, as well as attracted a large colony of ants to the spilled candy which littered the grounds.

Responding to a call to the Central Dispatch at 7:12 last evening, Chief “T.R.” Randolph and Officers Xing, Ranawatti, Gomez, Gomez, and Greszhnevdarzdekoievski were able to subdue the ruffians and place them in several Ford police vehicles, which were recently purchased from Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hundai Suzuki on the Bypass. Mr. Ruitermann said, “I am glad they are getting some use out of them, and if any of your readers are in the market, we just got a shipment of '01 Crown Victoria factory executive program cars, all clean and low miles, some still in warranty, in a variety of colors and options, starting at only $9,999.99!”

Adminstration officials were quick to condemn the clash, and have announced that the one-day suspension of the faculty dress code scheduled for tomorrow has been rescinded.

A Faculty Senate hearing over the matter will be convened as soon as enough members are out of the hospital to convene a meeting of the Faculty Senate. 
Thursday, October 30, 2003
  Announcement for Faculty

In conjunction with this evening's Faculty Trick or Treating, the Office of Faculty Programs, the Directorate of Personnel Direction, the Personnel Department, and the Provost’s Office have issued a one-day suspension of the Faculty Dress Code and encourage interested faculty members to dress in traditional Halloween costumes on Saturday, November 1.

Acceptable costumes are defined in the attached memorandum. 
Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Faculty trick or treating will be Thursday, Halloween Eve from 6:00 PM until 7:00 PM. Faculty are requested to not T&T their own students to prevent any appearance of impropriety.

The Campus Police ask that faculty participating in T&T carry identification as they wish to prevent a reocurrance of the unfortunate billyclub incident of last year.

Students are asked to give the faculty a fair shot at the candy since we wish to cut down on the whining. 
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
  Dean MommaBear reminds all Faculty and Administration that the extra Intersession of ESLS will be presented in the new Library Conference Hall that was so graciously donated anonymously for accommodating everyone who has been informed they must take this course to remain employed at our fine institution. Apparently, according to sources at the Administration, that includes every member of those groups mentioned above.

We hope you will enjoy this course, as English is a very beautiful language when properly written and spoken.  
Monday, October 27, 2003
  Heartstopping, Breathtaking, But Not Fatal!!

Joy once again returned to the pine barrens and pasturelands this week, as our beloved Fightin’ Weevils fought a ferocious battle with the blood-sucking ‘Skeeters of Noxubee River College on Saturday. After concluding regular play with a 2-2 tie, the Skeeters and Weevils went after each other in a record-breaking 17 overtimes, leading to a final score of 74-71.

Noxubee River (2-6, 2-2 in conference play), known beforehand as a powerhouse in the six-school Big American 7-South US Conference, demonstrated great poise and determination, but they could not vanquish the proud Weevil State spirit.

Mrs. Eunice Flunnery, visiting campus to attend the game and to see her son Ty Snoodler (sophomore, Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) reported that the game was the most exciting one she had ever seen, “It was the most exciting game I have ever seen,” she said.

Coach Bull Winston, speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via a spokesman, pending outcome of particular legal matters against the paper, said he was incredibly pleased with the effort of his entire squad, “I am real pleased,” he said.

The regulation time game, which began as a furious struggle in the trenches as each team swapped offsetting safeties in the first and the third quarters of play, was a study in strategy and tactics, with neither team able to overcome the other.

Junior tailback Schwa Tilde (Retail Item Price Gun Operations major) reports that he was having trouble with the big Skeeter defense. “I would try to run, and they would knock me down,” he said.

Tilde had –15 yards in rushing offense, including the carry which resulted in the safety for the Skeeters, in which he was chased down and sacked 56 yards behind the line of scrimmage, having run through many defenders and at least two of his own offensive linemen to reach his own end zone.

One player who did seem to have a good day in spite of growing controversy was 398 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg. He was allowed to start for the Weevils and acquitted himself admirably, although not before having an emotional moment in the 4th overtime.

One of the players on the Noxubee River squad began taunting Smattersberg about his girlfriend, reputedly a fellow footballer by the name of Nelda Swoonish, noseguard for the Northwest Autauga Normal Institute. Play had to be stopped as Smattersberg complained about something being in his eye. He ran off-field to remove the offending matter with a tissue and compose himself, then returned to continue the showdown.

In his debut with the Fightin’ Weevils, taking over quarterback duties for injured starting quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson was redshirt freshman John Walking Tree. Tree used all of his experience and skill to move the Weevils both up and down the gridiron, although the crucial ability to score points was not evident until the 6th overtime, when one of his numerous perfectly thrown passes of the evening was actually caught by the receiver, senior wide receiver Lexus Calhoun.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says his initial wariness about putting Tree in the lineup was misplaced, especially by about the 8th overtime, “He done pretty okay, I reckon,” said [Red] Winston. “I think he’s still got too much Canadian football in him, though.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's Eleven paced themselves well throughout the struggle, and with the able assistance of Pressbox Coach Nock Winston, the ill-advised use of video gamesmanship gave way to a more traditional mechanism. Although Coach [Nock] Winston takes full credit for the defensive playcalling, Coach [Hick] Winston is convinced of the utility of the well-known electronic vibrating board to determine his play calling. “And you know what? With enough time, each week we can paint us up a mess of these little guys in the colors of the other teams we play, and it makes it even more realistic-like than that dumb old Madden game!”, said [Hick] Winston.

The game, which did not officially end until Daylight Savings Time ended, was truly one for the record books.

Weevil State University is now 4-3 in regular season play, and has also returned to third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. This week, the Fightin’ Weevils will be traveling to Northwest Florida to play De Funiak Springs Mechanical University. 
  Field Trip

The Activity Bus will be revved up, ready and rarin' to go and take students to the Coon Dog Cemetery at Tuscumbia on Friday, Oct. 31 (Halloween). The bus will leave from the front of De Soto Hall at 5 pm, and should return sometime after 10 pm. After a tour of the cemetery, the group will gather around a bonfire and hear the history of the cemetery from Ranger Billy Boyd. Ranger Boyd will also have a few native critters on-hand to pet and hold, including a black snake and an opossum. Afterwards, others will be encouraged to share their scary stories, ending with a special "spooky" guest telling the classic tale of BigPaw, the giant raccoon rumored to be lurking in the area.

Cost of the trip for students is $3, which includes a dinner of Brunswick stew, cornbread, dessert and iced tea (coffee and hot cocoa will be available after dinner around the bonfire). Sign up at the Information Desk in De Soto Hall. 
Friday, October 24, 2003
  Intensified Practice Schedule Hoped to Help Fightin’ Weevils

After last week’s cruel gridiron loss to the ladies of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, Head Coach Bull Winston’s young pigskinners have been hard at work in their preparations for Saturday’s game versus the ‘Skeeters of Noxubee River College.

Noxubee River (2-5, 2-2 in conference play), a powerhouse in the six-school Big American 7-South US Conference, looks to be equally well-prepared for the contest, ready to vanquish their embarrassment of last season when the mighty Fightin’ Weevils smacked them down by a score of 4-3.

Rumors of several Weevil State players being close to placement on academic probation have turned out to be false. Coach Bull Winston, speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via a spokesman, pending outcome of particular legal matters against the paper, reports that ongoing discussions with the faculty of the Languge Arts Department have gone well. “Looks good,” said Coach.

In other matters, Coach Bull Winston and the rest of the coaching staff deny earlier reports that they were physically assaulted by 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg, allegedly for their having made jokes of the burly center for buckling down and actually studying. “We was not hurt,” said Coach Bull Winston. Reached at his home, Halfbacks Coach Needer Winston disputed that, saying, “We was hurt real good.”

Smattersberg had no comment on the matter, although he did seem to be emotionally drained by the experience, having gone through an entire box of Puffs facial tissues, which he used to blot away the tears from his face. “No comment,” he said. Asked about his supposed blossoming relationship with Northwest Autauga noseguard Nelda Swoonish, Smattersberg was more vocal, “That ain’t none of your business,” he said.

Not in dispute is the terrible loss of quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson due to a fiercesome tackle during last week’s shutout. His hands, usually rather small and, some might say, delicate, are still swollen and sore. Team trainer Luther Winston said he was not optimistic, “I am not optimiscit,” he said, “I think them little hands of his has done throwed their last ball.”

Stepping in to take over for Jackson is redshirt freshman John Walking Tree, an Applied Plastic Arts major from Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada. Tree, 195 pounds, 6 feet tall, with 4.1 speed in the 40, had played Canadian football all through grammar and high school.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says that he is wary about putting Tree in the lineup, but had no choice. “We had no choice,” he said. Asked why such a seemingly talented player had not received more attention, [Red] Winston said, “Well, he ain’t as experienced as all that. That Canadian ballgame is all different, what with that bigger field and all, and frankly we just didn’t think he could do the job. He does have regular-sized hand, though.” Winston noted that Tree seems not to have any problems either throwing the ball or running with it. “Well, this is just practice. We’ll see how he does out there in the big game.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's men on the receiving end of the ‘Skeeters’ powerful offense have also been picking up the pace this week. Coach [Hick] Winston reports that they are ready to play, “They are ready to play,” he said. “I have found out that that Madden Football game ain’t all that great for real, live ball games, but one of the fellows has one of them electric football games that buzzes and vibrates like, and you oughta seem them little boogers move around!” Asked if he thought such a device would be more useful than a handheld video game, Coach [Hick] Winston said, “Yes.”

Weevil State University is now 3-3 in regular season play, and dropped last week to fourth place in the Great South USA American South Conference. Next week, the Fightin’ Weevils will be traveling to northwest Florida to play De Funiak Springs Mechanical University.  
  Sunday Service
Services at the Weevil Student Chapel (located in the basement of De Soto Hall) begin at 10 am with a time of fellowship. Church coffee and Drakes cakes will be served. Worship service starts at 11 am. Pastor Raster will continue with his series in Evil Ways on the topic "Does Halloween Celebrate Evil?" After the services a meeting of Chi Alpha will be held to prepare for some special activities during the upcoming week. All members are strongly urged to attend. 
The Official Campus Newspaper
Weevil State University

About Weevil State

Weevil State University Faculty
Mac Thomason
Elizabeth Spiers
Larry Anderson
Lee Ann Morawski
Dr. Weevil
Charles Austin
Sue Lizano
Jim Smith
Emily Jones
J Bowen
Terry Matson
H.D. Miller
Marc Velazquez
Fred Reed
Tom & Andy
Chuck Myguts
Kris Vilamaa
Billy Joe Bob
Nathan Lott
Janis Gore
Terry Oglesby
Francesca Watson
Fred First
Rob Smith
B. Indigo
Coffee Achiever
Wind Rider
Nate McCord
Meryl Yourish
Alan K. Henderson
Dougal Campbell
John & Suzanne Farmer
Allison Lane
Loretta Serrano
Kevin McGehee
Mike Hollihan
Andrew Solovay
Sea Doc
Susanna Cornett
Steven Taylor
James Joyner
Matt Cuthbert
Rich Miller
Jordana Adams

Other College Newspapers
The Auburn Plainsman
The Chanticleer
The Exponent
Crimson White
The Flor-Ala
The Tropolitan
The Vanguard
Other Newspapers of Interest
Pickens County Herald
Cape Gazette
The Times, London
The Wall Street Journal
Daily Mountain Eagle
Washington Post
The Greenville Advocate
Sumter County Record-Journal

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