The Proboscis

2008-04-27T07:10:00.002-05:00

Well, I'll be. There's a group of Amish volunteers from northern Indiana in the lobby this morning.

They're on their way to New Orleans to work for a week.

A Mennonite is driving.

Blue Ridge Autumn: the Video

2007-09-16T05:20:00.001-05:00

A very very short animated image set.

2004-08-12T13:38:00.000-05:00

TRAFFIC IN QUAD AREA TO BE DIVERTED FRIDAY FOR RESIDENCE HALL MOVE-IN

To better facilitate student move-in to the Quad residence halls for our new first-year residents and their parents tomorrow, Aug. 13, Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reports that two temporary traffic and parking changes will be in effect.

Quad Drive will be closed tomorrow to all vehicles except new residents physically unloading and moving in. No vehicles will be permitted to enter Quad Drive after 4:42 p.m. this afternoon. Also, Laxtahatchilogolola Street between Theodore Roosevelt Drive and Cow Avenue will be one-way only north bound from 7:31 a.m. to 5:11 p.m., tomorrow. Access to that section of Laxtahatchilogolola Street will be limited exclusively to the vehicles of the new Quad residents physically moving in, and who have properly filled out a New Student Move In Permit Application and have been approved and received the proper windshield and bumper tags. On-street parking on Laxtahatchilogolola Street will not be excused after noon today through Friday morning, August 13, at 8:53 a.m., except for motorcycles and for Nuclear Science department vehicles. All other vehicles doing so will be subject to immediate ticketing and towing. Chief Randolph notes that impound fees are now $500. On Friday, recommended access to the Library is through the Parking Deck and the Library's south entrance, except for incoming students, who may use the third level access from the Parking Deck.

2004-08-12T08:50:00.000-05:00

Schedule Adjustment

Dr. Junior Winston, assistant head vice director of the Directorate of Sports Information, has announced that the first game of the season against Moore's Bridge Barber College, originally scheduled for Saturday, August 14, has been rescheduled to Saturday, October 30. Dr. Winston states that this change was due to the unforeseen circumstance of a recent National Guard call-up of tonsorial specialists. The 1178th Scalp Maintenance Detachment headquartered in Pickens County includes all 40 members of the Moore's Bridge football team, making it difficult for them to show up for a game. The detachment is not expected to be sent overseas, and should be released from standby in time to play on the rescheduled date.

2004-08-09T16:51:00.000-05:00

WSU Scientists to Help Local Farmers

In an exciting development, the Poultry Science Department of Weevil State University has announced a new break-through in edible avians.

Dr. Hutter Bleen spoke to the staff of THE PROBOSCIS at the departmental open house this past weekend, and revealed what he called “a startling advancement that is sure to be well-received by local poultry farmers.”

Dr. Bleen’s innovation is a new breed of hummingbird that combines the unique hummingbird flavor in a more marketable size. “You know,” said Dr. Bleen, “while we all love the taste of hummingbird, often they are so small that you have eaten six or a dozen even before you’ve even realized it.”

Asked about the process, Dr. Bleen was typically cagey about the details, “I cannot tell you everything, but we have managed through the judicious use of science--real science--to do something with the genetics of the hummingbird so that they can grow to the size of a crow.”

Dr. Bleen was queried as to the impact such tampering with God’s will had on the flavor of the birds. “Oh, no impact at all,” said Dr. Bleen, “they still taste just like chicken. Except sweeter. Sort of like the lemon chicken from Jade Dragon. But mostly like chicken.”

Finally, Dr. Bleen was asked about the eponymous nature of the hummingbird’s name, and if, in fact, the birds still hummed. “Oh, yes, of course they do. Of course, the tone is deeper since the wings are larger, something like a large box fan set on high. What’s going to be even better is when we are able to work in some mynah bird to the mix, so that they can talk when they are tired of humming.”

Junior Wilburn, local hummingbird farmer, was asked his opinion of the promise of these supersized birds. “I reckon it’s okay,” he said. “I’d have to taste one first to know if it’s worth building bigger hummingbird sheds for. Right now, they only take up a little spot over by the branch. But I reckon it’s okay. I just hope they don’t do away with the hummingbird subsidy.”

Roy J. Leroy, local undersecretary to the assistant chief supervisor of the Local Initiatives in Avian Research branch of the Division of Poultry Marketing in the Department of Agriculture could not be reached for comment.

2004-08-09T09:45:00.000-05:00

Meeting Announcement

The Tri-County Area League of Undecided Voters will be conducting a voter education seminar or a mock presidential debate on Wednesday, August 18 at 2:30 p.m. to 3:45 p.m., or on Saturday, August 28 at 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. The meeting will be held at the National Guard Armory on West North Boulevard, or in the Ted McGinley Auditorium on campus. For more information, please contact Mrs. Willadean Necker, sergeant-at-arms of the League, or Dr. Roger Sore, treasurer.

2004-08-05T11:34:00.000-05:00

GSUSAASC Media Day Report

WEEVIL STATION, AL -- Weevil State University’s Bull Winston was the first head coach to meet with the media today at the Great South USA American South Football Media Days, held at the Steer Inn Conference Center on the Bypass. His opening remarks were interesting.

“We are going to play us some football this year,” said Winston.

Coming off a rather disappointing season last year in which Weevil State attained a overall record of 4-5 and a third place finish in the Conference, with an especially galling loss to the all-female Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, those are mighty big words.

“And them ain’t just big words,” said Winston.

Winston was asked about the divisiveness that was caused during the season by the revelation of the infamous plane trip by several school officials to Bon Secour to woo South Baldwin Technical School’s Ribby Penderlos for the head coaching job, a trip that became public knowledge and a public embarrassment.

“I have no comment about that now, seeing as how them trustees, may they rest in peace, are no longer with the University. It just wouldn’t be right to talk about how they all backstabbed on me like that. You should let people rest in peace after they are gone to their reward, because it works an awful hardship on their families when you remind them that their loved ones are being roasted alive by Satan hisself,” said Winston.

Coach Winston said he plans to do things differently this year in his hunt for a title. “I am going to do things different,” Winston was quoted as saying.

High on the list is the offense, which Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says, “has got to come out of the blocks; we don't have the luxury of leaning on the defense.” This statement was quickly agreed to by Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston. “I heard that,” said Coach [Hick] Winston.

Senior quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson has seen his star rapidly fall this year, being usurped in spring drills by sophomore John Walking Tree of Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada. [Red] Winston, noting that Tree had played Canadian ball before coming south, was initially skeptical of his abilities. “I was initially skepeptible of his abilities,” said Coach [Red] Winston, “but he seems alright I reckon.”

Tree and running backs Louder Macaphee and Ronnie Joe Wickie are back but the defense lost five of its top seven players up front. “I ain’t too worried,” [Hick] Winston said, “because we got us a secret weapon.”

Asked what this secret weapon is, Coach [Hick] Winston winked and motioned to a frightened-looking bunch of bearded young men in the corner of the spacious Weevil Room of the Steer Inn. “See them boys yonder? Well, we got us a call from the Defense Department--seems they had some extra fellows they found over somewhere in the Middle East or somewheres and they say they had all kinds of football experience. I think they mean soccer football, but whatever, because I tell you what, when you yell at them to move, they move! They seem to be real skittish when we get in a huddle, though.”

Head Coach Bull Winston continued on, “we're on the hot seat every year; last year we was picked to win it, but obviously, we was a little overrated. I do feel like we can compete now with anybody we play, irregardless of who that is or what sort of politics might be going on behind my back.”

[Bull] Winston said the troubles of the past year, including the incident when the team was discovered patronizing a strip joint in an ill-fated bus trip to Miskatonic University, have served as a “learning experience” for everyone involved.

“I feel more confident than I have in thirty-six years at Weevil State,” Winston said of his standing. While refusing to express his dismay with the plane trip and its aftermath, [Bull] Winston said the reason he felt no deep seated hatred or grudge was because the players believed in him and the “true Weevil fans” voiced their continued support for him. A tear glistened in his eye as he mentioned the dozens of students who would come to him after the revelation of the escapade and say he was doing a good job. “It always makes me just a little misty-eyed.” Winston excused himself and turned away to wipe his eyes and take a drink from his hip flask. “Them is just a fine bunch of students.”

FRESHMAN NEWS: Coach [Bull] Winston said a number of true freshmen are expected to play, including defensive tackle Truo Duc Pham (General Business) of Fort Lauderdale, FL, wingback Hucky Reedernol (General Business) of Pine Mountain, AL, and free safety Ricky Shawn Bobblenob (General Business) of East Point, GA, whom coach [Hick] Winston said was “one of the best young defensive secondary players named Ricky that I've ever seen come out of East Point within the last three to four weeks.”

The Weevil State University Football Coaching Staff Roster includes:

Head Coach: Bull Winston
Offensive Coordinator: Red Winston
Defensive Coordinator: Hick Winston
Special Teams Coach: Rory Winston
Quarterbacks Coach: Sonny Winston
Halfbacks Coach: Needer Winston
Pressbox Coach: Nock Winston
Head Trainer: Luther Winston
Assistant Head Trainer: Buddy Winston

2004-2005 Season Schedule (Conference games marked with *; Away games marked with ~; Homecoming marked with +)

*~Moore’s Bridge Barber College--August 14
*Bay Minette A&M--August 21
~Western Colorado Benedictine Seminary--August 28
~Hollis Crossroads Vocational University--September 4
OPEN--September 11
+Tri-County Metro Firefighter’s School--September 18
*Central North Community College--September 25
OPEN--October 2
*~Northwest Autauga Normal Institute--October 9
Noxubee River College--October 16
*De Funiak Springs Mechanical University--October 23

GSUSAASC Conference Championships--November 13-20

Media Day was sponsored in part by Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hyundai Suzuki, "Where you go to drive away in a car!"; Fuddpucker's Floor Coverings and Tile and Carpet and Rugs; and by The Steer Inn, "When you're hungry for a steak and you're on the road, just Steer Inn!" Richly-appointed Convention Center rooms available for parties of 6 to 25 persons.

2004-08-05T09:38:00.000-05:00

Crime Report

--At 7:30 pm Monday evening, Central Dispatch received a call from Dorm D reporting the presence of a suspicious package at the dumpster. Officer Xiau was dispatched and reported finding an empty cigarette carton on the ground. No suspects were found.

--Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reminds all returning students that the area around Old Main is off limits to vehicular traffic, except for those students with a Type L Traffic Congestion Mitigation Pass, and all staff of Old Main with the proper yellow hangtag. Staff with blue hangtags are not to use the south entrance except on Thursday. New students must immediately register vehicles upon entrance to campus. A temporary transit permit may be obtained at the gate to allow new students to travel to the Central Parking Office to apply for a parking decal or Transportation Voucher. Applications take 3-5 weeks for processing, during which time new students will be issued a Temporary Vehicular Operation Permit, which must be displayed at all times when on campus, except for those students granted a Religious Emblems Waiver by the Ecclesiastical Council Office. All other traffic rules will be enforced.

--A ladies size twelve tan open-toed high-heeled shoe was found in the gymnasium.

2004-08-05T09:33:00.000-05:00

For Sale

1979 Chevrolet Chevette--2dr, lite blue w/ tan vinyl int, 4 cyl, auto, ac. Fully restored to factory mint condition, no expense spared--over $40k invested. Must sell, will sacrifice for only $32K.

Contact Keiler Mortglandson, Ext. 2-908. Can be seen at Willard Scott Dorm.

2003-12-16T07:56:00.000-06:00

Coach Bull Winston here. This newspaper business can't be that hard considering tyhe people you see in it. Why some of the reporters who show up at our games can barely spell football much less know anythin=g about it and as far as knowing anyting about anything else, well you just think about it.

I stand accused of nefariously stealing the electrons of this rag and I don't even knwo what nefariously means but I assure you I didn't do it. If I was to go looking for an electron stealer, I'd dtart over in the engineering school =not uin the athletic department. I don't think we even have a single player who knows what an electron is except for maybe Joey and he done gone and lost his mind and is studying and I can't get him to do anything.

Anyway, I'm sure you have already noticed that the qualkity of thsi rag ahs gone up alot since I took over a few minutes ago.

If'n we had had a few less distractions and could have won a few more games, I would be off at a bowl game and not here to do this so I guess y'all can be thankful for a less than good season for the Fighting Weevils.

Leroy Fuddpucker will not be making any announcements or doing any commercials while I publish this paper so if you want ot fgo to Mentone with him, then you had best look him up down at his store on Fuddpucker Sqaure.

What do you mean I need an editor? I'm the head-doggone-coach and I think I can write a few paragraphs without some preissy editor helping.

2003-12-15T08:54:00.000-06:00

The Proboscis has been about shut down for a few weeks now as our devoted readers know. Leroy Fuddpucker says he has read the Chapel services announcement "about a hunnerd times" expecting something different each time.

We have been beset by final exams and the lawsuit from Coach "Bull" Winston and his nefarious electron stealing shenanigans and just haven't had time to keep up. Terry Oglesby, our intrepid Sportswriter, has been laid up with the "dires" because his beloved Auburn's woes and hasn't felt up to attending Weevil games and doing his usual superlative reporting, and besides he has to attend all those sissy Soccer games up in Huntsville and has had no time for anything else and we expect his next excuse will involve some dire emergency involving a group of short people of which he seems to have more than his fair share.

Leroy wanted me to mention that he is getting up a ski trip up to Mentone if it ever gets cold enough for them to make the snow. He says he intends to find out when they will make the snow since he thinks it would be real interesting to see how they make it fall out of the air just where they want it on the ski slope. Anyway, Leroy says he will drive his 1947 Bluebird School bus and all you have to do is chip in for gas and oil and pay your own lift tickets whatever that is. Leroy is not in to skiing, he just wants to see them make the snow.

2003-11-14T07:54:00.000-06:00

Sunday Service
Services at the Weevil Student Chapel (located in the basement of De Soto Hall) begin at 10 am with a time of fellowship. Church coffee and Hostess Twinkies and Ho-ho's will be served. Worship service starts at 11 am. Pastor Raster will give a sermon on "Preparing Your Heart, and Not Just the Turkey, for Thanksgiving". All prayer warriors are urged to attend a special prayer time following the service, lifting up the Proboscis and Weevil State University.

2003-11-13T09:29:00.000-06:00

Once again The Proboscis has proven to be a leader in the world of college journalism. We are the first college newspaper to have its online edition stolen by those who were upset by something we wrote. We believe the "perp" was Coach Bull Winston since he has been going around campus saying that he did. "I done it" he told your intrepid reporter.

We apologize for the lack of new material in almost two weeks, but when you have scoundrels stealing the stack of free electrons we post each day, what can you do other than appeal to the powers that be for assistance. Unfortunately, we haven't been able to find any "powers that be" so Coach Winston has been able to continue his nefarious deeds.

We are back only because Leroy Fuddpucker stopped by Coach Winston's office and spoke to him man to man about how he, Leroy, would like to get his newspaper without someone stealing it so he repossessed the Coach's computer.

Thanks Leroy and see Fuddpucker's Used Computers for all you data processing needs. Leroy says he has a good deal on a desktop with a slight dent.

2003-10-31T09:50:00.000-06:00

Melee on Campus

A brawl broke out last evening outside the Old Main Administration building involving faculty members who had gone out trick-or-treating.

According to Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, the incident began when one faculty member reached into the small plastic pumpkin-shaped bucket of another member and retrieved a piece of candy. After a flurry of cross words, blows were struck, and the ensuing fisticuffs soon involved at least forty faculty and staff members.

Dr. Phillip Sherdlownly, director of the Weevil State University Space Exploration and Small Engine Repair Program identified the original candy filcher as Professor Sheb Winston, of the Physical Appearances department. “I saw Professor Winston reach into Merlene’s [Dr. Merlene Flodimanner, Aquarium Science] little bucket and get out a Pixy Stik.”

Professor Winston, when reached for comment, denied he had gotten anything out of Dr. Flodimanner’s bucket, “I don’t even LIKE Pixy Stix,” he said. “She’s the one who reached in and got a Fun Size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and threw it and hit me in the eye.”

Dr. Flodimanner strongly disputed Professor Winston’s version of events. “OH, he is such a creep. He had been following me around the whole time, wanting some of my Good & Plenties, but I told him to go away or I would report him for creating a hostile work environment.”

Dr. Flodimanner continued, “Well, we had just gotten back to Old Main when I could feel him beside me, running his hand all over my pumpkin. I looked around just in time to catch him with one of my Mounds in his hand, and so I turned around and yelled at him to stop, and he started acting like he hadn’t done anything, and well, things just got out of control.”

Indeed. Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph stated that the consequent affray caused approximately $59 worth of damage to the lawn and patio of Old Main, as well as attracted a large colony of ants to the spilled candy which littered the grounds.

Responding to a call to the Central Dispatch at 7:12 last evening, Chief “T.R.” Randolph and Officers Xing, Ranawatti, Gomez, Gomez, and Greszhnevdarzdekoievski were able to subdue the ruffians and place them in several Ford police vehicles, which were recently purchased from Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hundai Suzuki on the Bypass. Mr. Ruitermann said, “I am glad they are getting some use out of them, and if any of your readers are in the market, we just got a shipment of '01 Crown Victoria factory executive program cars, all clean and low miles, some still in warranty, in a variety of colors and options, starting at only $9,999.99!”

Adminstration officials were quick to condemn the clash, and have announced that the one-day suspension of the faculty dress code scheduled for tomorrow has been rescinded.

A Faculty Senate hearing over the matter will be convened as soon as enough members are out of the hospital to convene a meeting of the Faculty Senate.

2003-10-30T14:17:00.000-06:00

Announcement for Faculty

In conjunction with this evening's Faculty Trick or Treating, the Office of Faculty Programs, the Directorate of Personnel Direction, the Personnel Department, and the Provost’s Office have issued a one-day suspension of the Faculty Dress Code and encourage interested faculty members to dress in traditional Halloween costumes on Saturday, November 1.

Acceptable costumes are defined in the attached memorandum.

2003-10-29T14:10:00.000-06:00

ANNOUNCEMENT

Faculty trick or treating will be Thursday, Halloween Eve from 6:00 PM until 7:00 PM. Faculty are requested to not T&T their own students to prevent any appearance of impropriety.

The Campus Police ask that faculty participating in T&T carry identification as they wish to prevent a reocurrance of the unfortunate billyclub incident of last year.

Students are asked to give the faculty a fair shot at the candy since we wish to cut down on the whining.

2003-10-28T20:45:00.000-06:00

Dean MommaBear reminds all Faculty and Administration that the extra Intersession of ESLS will be presented in the new Library Conference Hall that was so graciously donated anonymously for accommodating everyone who has been informed they must take this course to remain employed at our fine institution. Apparently, according to sources at the Administration, that includes every member of those groups mentioned above.

We hope you will enjoy this course, as English is a very beautiful language when properly written and spoken.

2003-10-27T10:42:00.000-06:00

Heartstopping, Breathtaking, But Not Fatal!!

Joy once again returned to the pine barrens and pasturelands this week, as our beloved Fightin’ Weevils fought a ferocious battle with the blood-sucking ‘Skeeters of Noxubee River College on Saturday. After concluding regular play with a 2-2 tie, the Skeeters and Weevils went after each other in a record-breaking 17 overtimes, leading to a final score of 74-71.

Noxubee River (2-6, 2-2 in conference play), known beforehand as a powerhouse in the six-school Big American 7-South US Conference, demonstrated great poise and determination, but they could not vanquish the proud Weevil State spirit.

Mrs. Eunice Flunnery, visiting campus to attend the game and to see her son Ty Snoodler (sophomore, Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) reported that the game was the most exciting one she had ever seen, “It was the most exciting game I have ever seen,” she said.

Coach Bull Winston, speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via a spokesman, pending outcome of particular legal matters against the paper, said he was incredibly pleased with the effort of his entire squad, “I am real pleased,” he said.

The regulation time game, which began as a furious struggle in the trenches as each team swapped offsetting safeties in the first and the third quarters of play, was a study in strategy and tactics, with neither team able to overcome the other.

Junior tailback Schwa Tilde (Retail Item Price Gun Operations major) reports that he was having trouble with the big Skeeter defense. “I would try to run, and they would knock me down,” he said.

Tilde had –15 yards in rushing offense, including the carry which resulted in the safety for the Skeeters, in which he was chased down and sacked 56 yards behind the line of scrimmage, having run through many defenders and at least two of his own offensive linemen to reach his own end zone.

One player who did seem to have a good day in spite of growing controversy was 398 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg. He was allowed to start for the Weevils and acquitted himself admirably, although not before having an emotional moment in the 4th overtime.

One of the players on the Noxubee River squad began taunting Smattersberg about his girlfriend, reputedly a fellow footballer by the name of Nelda Swoonish, noseguard for the Northwest Autauga Normal Institute. Play had to be stopped as Smattersberg complained about something being in his eye. He ran off-field to remove the offending matter with a tissue and compose himself, then returned to continue the showdown.

In his debut with the Fightin’ Weevils, taking over quarterback duties for injured starting quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson was redshirt freshman John Walking Tree. Tree used all of his experience and skill to move the Weevils both up and down the gridiron, although the crucial ability to score points was not evident until the 6th overtime, when one of his numerous perfectly thrown passes of the evening was actually caught by the receiver, senior wide receiver Lexus Calhoun.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says his initial wariness about putting Tree in the lineup was misplaced, especially by about the 8th overtime, “He done pretty okay, I reckon,” said [Red] Winston. “I think he’s still got too much Canadian football in him, though.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's Eleven paced themselves well throughout the struggle, and with the able assistance of Pressbox Coach Nock Winston, the ill-advised use of video gamesmanship gave way to a more traditional mechanism. Although Coach [Nock] Winston takes full credit for the defensive playcalling, Coach [Hick] Winston is convinced of the utility of the well-known electronic vibrating board to determine his play calling. “And you know what? With enough time, each week we can paint us up a mess of these little guys in the colors of the other teams we play, and it makes it even more realistic-like than that dumb old Madden game!”, said [Hick] Winston.

The game, which did not officially end until Daylight Savings Time ended, was truly one for the record books.

Weevil State University is now 4-3 in regular season play, and has also returned to third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. This week, the Fightin’ Weevils will be traveling to Northwest Florida to play De Funiak Springs Mechanical University.

2003-10-27T09:56:00.000-06:00

Field Trip

The Activity Bus will be revved up, ready and rarin' to go and take students to the Coon Dog Cemetery at Tuscumbia on Friday, Oct. 31 (Halloween). The bus will leave from the front of De Soto Hall at 5 pm, and should return sometime after 10 pm. After a tour of the cemetery, the group will gather around a bonfire and hear the history of the cemetery from Ranger Billy Boyd. Ranger Boyd will also have a few native critters on-hand to pet and hold, including a black snake and an opossum. Afterwards, others will be encouraged to share their scary stories, ending with a special "spooky" guest telling the classic tale of BigPaw, the giant raccoon rumored to be lurking in the area.

Cost of the trip for students is $3, which includes a dinner of Brunswick stew, cornbread, dessert and iced tea (coffee and hot cocoa will be available after dinner around the bonfire). Sign up at the Information Desk in De Soto Hall.

2003-10-24T14:25:00.000-05:00

Intensified Practice Schedule Hoped to Help Fightin’ Weevils

After last week’s cruel gridiron loss to the ladies of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, Head Coach Bull Winston’s young pigskinners have been hard at work in their preparations for Saturday’s game versus the ‘Skeeters of Noxubee River College.

Noxubee River (2-5, 2-2 in conference play), a powerhouse in the six-school Big American 7-South US Conference, looks to be equally well-prepared for the contest, ready to vanquish their embarrassment of last season when the mighty Fightin’ Weevils smacked them down by a score of 4-3.

Rumors of several Weevil State players being close to placement on academic probation have turned out to be false. Coach Bull Winston, speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via a spokesman, pending outcome of particular legal matters against the paper, reports that ongoing discussions with the faculty of the Languge Arts Department have gone well. “Looks good,” said Coach.

In other matters, Coach Bull Winston and the rest of the coaching staff deny earlier reports that they were physically assaulted by 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg, allegedly for their having made jokes of the burly center for buckling down and actually studying. “We was not hurt,” said Coach Bull Winston. Reached at his home, Halfbacks Coach Needer Winston disputed that, saying, “We was hurt real good.”

Smattersberg had no comment on the matter, although he did seem to be emotionally drained by the experience, having gone through an entire box of Puffs facial tissues, which he used to blot away the tears from his face. “No comment,” he said. Asked about his supposed blossoming relationship with Northwest Autauga noseguard Nelda Swoonish, Smattersberg was more vocal, “That ain’t none of your business,” he said.

Not in dispute is the terrible loss of quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson due to a fiercesome tackle during last week’s shutout. His hands, usually rather small and, some might say, delicate, are still swollen and sore. Team trainer Luther Winston said he was not optimistic, “I am not optimiscit,” he said, “I think them little hands of his has done throwed their last ball.”

Stepping in to take over for Jackson is redshirt freshman John Walking Tree, an Applied Plastic Arts major from Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada. Tree, 195 pounds, 6 feet tall, with 4.1 speed in the 40, had played Canadian football all through grammar and high school.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says that he is wary about putting Tree in the lineup, but had no choice. “We had no choice,” he said. Asked why such a seemingly talented player had not received more attention, [Red] Winston said, “Well, he ain’t as experienced as all that. That Canadian ballgame is all different, what with that bigger field and all, and frankly we just didn’t think he could do the job. He does have regular-sized hand, though.” Winston noted that Tree seems not to have any problems either throwing the ball or running with it. “Well, this is just practice. We’ll see how he does out there in the big game.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's men on the receiving end of the ‘Skeeters’ powerful offense have also been picking up the pace this week. Coach [Hick] Winston reports that they are ready to play, “They are ready to play,” he said. “I have found out that that Madden Football game ain’t all that great for real, live ball games, but one of the fellows has one of them electric football games that buzzes and vibrates like, and you oughta seem them little boogers move around!” Asked if he thought such a device would be more useful than a handheld video game, Coach [Hick] Winston said, “Yes.”

Weevil State University is now 3-3 in regular season play, and dropped last week to fourth place in the Great South USA American South Conference. Next week, the Fightin’ Weevils will be traveling to northwest Florida to play De Funiak Springs Mechanical University.

2003-10-24T07:31:00.000-05:00

Sunday Service
Services at the Weevil Student Chapel (located in the basement of De Soto Hall) begin at 10 am with a time of fellowship. Church coffee and Drakes cakes will be served. Worship service starts at 11 am. Pastor Raster will continue with his series in Evil Ways on the topic "Does Halloween Celebrate Evil?" After the services a meeting of Chi Alpha will be held to prepare for some special activities during the upcoming week. All members are strongly urged to attend.

2003-10-22T14:51:00.000-05:00

The WSU campus has been quiet this week with the students being depressed by the loss by last weekend's by the football team, the big fire at Fuddpucker's Beverages before they opened for their "buy one, get the second free" sale on six packs and the fact that it is mid-terms. Coach "Bull" Winston has been seen wining and dining several professors from the Languge Arts Department giving rise to the rumor that several star Weevils are not doing well academically. With Quarterback D'Wontavious Jackson out with badly bruised hands, the Weevils' season looks doubtful even if we do not lose players to unreasonable academic demands.

Joe Lee Smattersberg has moved from the athletic dorm to Fuddpucker Hall. When asked if he was quitting the team, he said "No, I'm just tired from whuppin' upon them dummies who make fun when I study". At last report, most of the Coaches Winston are expected to be released from the Hospital in time for Saturday's game against Noxubee River (Mississippi) College

2003-10-21T11:10:00.000-05:00

Campus Crime Report

On the night of October 16, Campus Police Central Dispatch received a call at 9:15 from a campus visitor about an unidentified light in the sky. Officer Zhian was dispatched to the scene and reported that the light was gone. The light was described as white, about the size of a golf ball, and low on the eastern sky.

A resident of Dorm G reported to the manager that she heard voices outside her window. Officer Cho was dispatched at 4:32 pm and reported the presence of two persons sitting on the park bench outside of the resident's window, engaged in what the report describes as "conversation". The two suspects were detained and later released upon their own recognizance.

An animal, believed to be a bird or a dog, was reported by the Building and Grounds Sanitation staff to have been inside the Planetarium for a minimum of three minutes during the Saturday Spruce Up Day. No damage was reported.

Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reminds all students that the building of bonfires or the use of other open sources of combustion are strictly limited, and must not be carried on within the dormitories or other campus buildings without prior approval.

2003-10-21T10:55:00.000-05:00

Exciting News for Campus Commuters

The Weevil State University Board of Regents, in cooperation with the TriCounty Transportation Consortium, the Town of Weevil Junction Parking Authority, the Alabama Light Rail User Network, and Pinetree Citizens for the Future are pleased to announce the beginning of a new era in wheeled transportation for our area with the introduction of a proposed light rail train system.

The system will serve all of the WSU campus, as well as several outlying commuter lots. The three-mile closed loop circulator will cost an estimated $450 million dollars, and greatly eliminate congestion during normal class times, as well as on game days.

The new system promises to combine the best aspects of the futuristic monorail which carries vacationing revelers in Disney World; the downtown trolley lines of places such as Portland, Oregon and San Francisco, California; the speed and convenience of subway travel; and the romance of live steam.

The new rail line will have a three-hundred foot section of underground tracks, 1.2 miles of structural steel elevated track (similar to the Chicago “Ell” trains featured on NBC’s hit show “ER”), an inclined portion similar to Lookout Mountain, a 600 foot tunnel (to be constructed above ground and detailed to look like a mountain on the exterior), a waterfall, and a station at George “Goober” Lindsey Refectory with the first Starbucks location within 50 miles. The cars will be pulled by a reproduction of a 1915 Baldwin 2-6-6-2 steam locomotive. The use of steam power will eliminate the necessity for overhead power lines.

Funding for the new commuter system will come from a variety of local source, including a $1,500 student vehicle surcharge, a 40 cent per gallon gasoline tax, an 83 mill property tax increase, a $100 increase in campus parking fees, a $212 grant from West Central State Citizens for Responsible Growth, as well as normal rider fares, which are estimated to range from $1 for senior citizens to $5 for students.

Several campus buildings will be razed to make room for the necessary infrastructure to support the rail system, but WSU Campus Architect Dudley Hall says this should not be a problem. “They are mostly old anyway,” he said.

2003-10-20T16:28:00.000-05:00

Sadness and Despair

Despite having all the advantages of poise and skill, the mighty Fightin’ Weevils succumbed to the fearsome Pedagogues of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute by a score of 56-0.

Head Coach Bull Winston’s boys seem to have been totally caught off-guard by the women of Northwest Autauga, and Coach is not at all happy about the outcome. Still speaking to THE PROBOSCIS through an intermediary due to impending court action, Coach Winston said, “I feel real bad”.

The Teachers came at the Weevils with a modified run and gun offense and a mauling defensive squad that rolled up 58 sacks, including one late in the third quarter that might knock quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson out for the rest of the season. Coming hard and fast on a safety blitz, NwANI’s 115 pound free safety Monica Weelier, a senior in Early Childhood Education, slammed Jackson to the turf.

As he lay moaning in agony, the training staff went out to take a look. Trainer Luther Winston, himself hobbled by a recent buttocks injury, related that Jackson’s hands were caught between the ball and Miss Weelier. “It just boogered up his little hands something fierce,” said [Luther] Winston. “They need to do something about that girl; she’s too out of control to be playing this game.”

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston was equally put out with the style of play by the Autaugans. “They played real dirty, I think,” he is quoted as saying. “All that juking at the line of scrimmage, and all that bad language, and shoving our boys around like that…it just ain’t right for girls to act like that.”

[Red] Winston’s early game plan to have Jackson use a two-handed grip for throwing the football was quickly changed when it became apparent that the offensive line was having difficulty preventing penetration through the line. “I just told him to do whatever he could to stay away from ‘em.”

Off Coordinator Red Winston said he was very displeased with the play of 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg, “I am real displeased,” he said. “I think he might have gotten sweet on their noseguard (#56, 135 pound freshman Library Science major Nelda Swoonish) and that led him to make some real bad choices.” When asked what changes he might make this week, Coach [Red] Winston said, “I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure, I’m gonna run that big ol’ 32 ounce steak off’n him.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's squad, although initially looking forward to taking on the Pedagogues, allowed them to pile up over 700 yards in total offense—this was prior to Northwest Autauga Normal substituting their second string early in the second half. “I sure could have used my Madden Football game, but I don’t think even that would have helped too much. Them girls was tougher than iron pipe.”

Pressbox Coach Nock Winston was very upset with the play calling, “I am very upset,” he said. “I kept telling Daddy, I mean, Coach Bull that we was getting all eat up, but nobody would listen to me. He just kept a’throwing the headsets around, and they cost like $400 apiece.”

One bright spot for the Weevils was the installation of a new Jumbotron in Weevil Stadium.

Weevil State University falls to 3-3 in regular season play, and drops to fourth place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The Fightin’ Weevils will be taking on cross-state-line rivals Noxubee River (Mississippi) College of the Big American 7-South US Conference on October 25.

2003-10-17T15:51:00.000-05:00

Sports Talk

The air has turned crisp here in the scrub pine barrens somewhere south of Fayette, another perfect weekend for the Fightin’ Weevils to strut their football prowess.

Head Coach Bull Winston’s boys will be hosting the Pedagogues of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute this week, and despite continued turmoil within the athletic department over allegations of misogynistic misdeeds involving coarse Yankee magdalens, Coach has been hard at work all week with the squad.

Still speaking to THE PROBOSCIS through an intermediary due to impending court action, Coach Winston was upbeat and hopeful, and feeling good about this week’s work, “I feel good,” he is quoted as saying.

He also relays to us that he is heartened by the return of team trainer Luther Winston to the sideline after he was discharged from HealthSouth Central Southwest South TriCounty Regional Medical Clinic.

The wounds he received in his buttocks from his previous experience with a discharge (that being in the form of bird shot) appeared to this reporter to have begun healing nicely. [Luther] Winston must still make use of an inflatable cushion to sit properly, however, and has had difficulty finding anyone willing to gently blow on his wounds when they are doused with merthiolate. “That really does sting a whole heap,” he said.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston has been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson all week. “We come up with a way to get around them small hand of his,” said [Red] Winston. “We figure we’ll try letting him throw the ball some again, but this time we come up with a two-handed way of doing it so’s he can get more contact with the ball.” Coach [Red] Winston does allow that the stance and method of delivery do appear rather complicated. “Yeah, he looks kind of funny, but with them small hands and all…Anyway, it’s just a bunch of schoolmarms we’re playing anyway.”

(Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, a bastion of teacher training within this state since 1817, is unique in the Great South USA American South Conference in that its roster is predominately female.)

In other offensive news, Coach [Red] Winston said he was very pleased to have played a small part in convincing 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg to swear off his proposed stomach stapling surgery, “I think them 1-inch shingle staples is what brung him around.” Joe Lee, a junior majoring in Dressmaking Science, also credits the lure of the Big 32 from the Steer Inn on the Bypass as helping to make his decision easier. “Coach [head coach Bull Winston] said he’d buy me one of them big steaks they got and I done eat it up this afternoon.” Smattersberg says he does not think the meal will slow him down any, “No,” he said.

Running back Terdin Glummen of Opp, Alabama, a freshman majoring in Hammering Technology, said he wants to do good this week, “I want to do good,” he said.

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad is looking forward to tangling with the Pedagogues this week. “We’re looking forward to playing that silly bunch of girls,” he said. “I ain’t even going to turn on my Madden Football game—I got to save my batteries anyway, and I really don’t think we got much to worry about.”

Defensive end Bob Smith, a 110 pound senior majoring in Ornamental Animal Science from Taipei, Taiwan said he was looking forward to hosting the Teachers, “I’m looking forward to playing with them,” he said through an interpreter.

Special Teams coach Rory Winston reports that Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta, the world’s most famous Czech Olympic quoits champion and backup kicker, has finally recovered from his outbreak of monkeypox, and will once again be stepping into the shoes of starting kicker Buddy Winston, who was arrested by state police in Columbus, Mississippi for operating his motor vehicle at speeds in excess of posted limits.

Speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via telephone from the Columbus jail, Buddy, a senior majoring in Pharmaceutical Sales Technology, says he is innocent of the charges. “They said I was going 125, but I know it had to be closer to 150 because I just got through putting on a new nitrous system.” [Buddy] Winston owns a 1978 Firebird Formula, with a blueprinted HO-455 engine, Doug Nash 5 speed, and a 12 bolt Posi rear end.

Weevil State University is 3-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The Fightin’ Weevils will be taking on cross-state-line rivals Noxubee River (Mississippi) College of the Big American 7-South US Conference on October 25.

2003-10-17T14:50:00.000-05:00

Breaking News - Tax Relief

[The following should in no way reflect on or interfere with the journalistic integrity of the PROBOSCIS]
This was sent from the New Zealand chapter of DOOFUS:

Hodgson backs down on fart tax
17.10.2003
By LIAM DANN, primary industries editor
The Government looks set to back down over its controversial flatulence tax.

In a joint statement yesterday Environment Minister Pete Hodgson and Agriculture Minister Jim Sutton said a new research plan put forward by an agricultural industry group should be sufficient to avoid the need for a statutory levy on farmers.

Opposition MPs seized on the comments, calling the decision an "embarrassing u-turn" and a victory for farmers... Federated Farmers vice-president Charlie Pedersen said the Government showed an arrogance about the issue from the start.

"They sullied our reputation by suggesting there was something less than wholesome about farming sheep and cattle in New Zealand. We're the most environmentally friendly, sustainable farmers in the world."

Old Farts around the world salute the efforts of those valiant New Zealand farmers and their fight against a tax on the oldest form of relief. Aaaah.

2003-10-17T10:55:00.000-05:00

A Response To Our Readers

It has been brought to our attention by certain persons, who shall remain nameless, that they are disturbed and upset with this week’s seeming dearth of news and information. Some have even gone so far as to question the vaunted, award-winning, highly-regarded status of THE PROBOSCIS as a fit medium for their perusal.

Although such ignorance and silliness is probably to be expected, knowing such persons as we do, we believe it is not in our interest to allow libels of this sort to go unanswered.

Remember that the online version of THE PROBOSCIS is in the format of a “weblog”—not the usual format of our weekly paper version, available on campus and at fine establishments all around the Tri-County area. As such, even a weak-pated simpleton could see that the format is intended to be no more, nor no less, active than is absolutely necessary.

On those days when life in Weevil Station grinds to a standstill, our famous staff of literary geniuses will not post things merely for the sake of posting. To do so would make a sham and a mockery of all that journalism, THE PROBOSCIS, and yea, indeed, Weevil State University, stand for.

Would you, gentle readers, have us simply make up wild concoctions of fable and fantasy, just to feed your insatiable desire for verbiage?

Rest assured that no matter how weary, how otherwise occupied, how bereft of inspiration we may be at any one time, we will in no way endeavor to fill these pages with mindless fluffy meringues of thought—NAY, the grand pages of THE PROBOSCIS will not be a stage for showy fripperies and fanciful flights of sophomoric literary onanism!

THE PROBOSCIS will stand tall, both in print and upon the crackling ether, as a shining example of journalistic excellence, not excess.

Of literary import, not ignominy.

Of all that is good and fine in the spirit of all the administration, faculty, staff, contract employees, students, alumni, friends, associates, acquaintances, and other such like, of Weevil State University.

EXCELSIOR!!

In other matters, a pair of tube socks has been turned in to the Lost and Found Box at Art Frahm Hall.

2003-10-17T10:02:00.000-05:00

In a surprise announcement, Joey Smattersberg, the Weevil's 405 lb defensive lineman said that he has decided to forego the stomach stapling surgery and wait to get one of the new-fangled stomach "pacemakers". Joey says that way of he doesn't like being skinny, he can get big again. Coach Bull Winston said he was happy to hear that Joey had come to his senses. "I'm happy he has come to his senses".

Joey says he has lost about five pounds through exercise and a proper diet and feels like he has picked up some speed and expects to be more effective for the rest of the Weevil's season. Coach Winston said he is rewarding Joey's hard work with a 32 ounce steak with all the trimmings.

2003-10-17T09:49:00.000-05:00

Letter to the Editor

I'm mad as heck and I can't take it anymore! I paid dern good money for my Proboscis subscription, and all I've been getting lately is blank space. If I wanted that I could just take a sheet of paper out and stare at it. What has happened to all of the award-winning journalism of days gone by? Folks need to have a feeling for the pulse of the Weevil community, but it seems to have flat-lined lately. [SLAP] Snap out of it!

Warmest Wishes,

Jessie
Jessie's Outdoorsman - fulfill all of your hunting needs at Jessie's

2003-10-16T15:28:00.000-05:00

Special Seminar - DOOFUS

The Department Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiters is pleased to announce a seminar available to the whole Weevil community: Remote Control 101 - Basics of RC Operation. No prerequisites for this seminar, just a willingness to take control of an important leisure time "activity". The seminar will include:

1. How to open the battery compartment, replace the batteries and secure the cover without breaking it.
2. Pros and cons of using the ON/OFF button on the RC vs the actual power button/switch on the TV.
3. Programming out those pesky gaps (channel number that shows a blank screen) as you run through the channels.
4. Proper pacing when running through the channels, as well as alternating use of the up and down buttons.
5. Latest models of RC caddies.
6. Best hiding spots when you are out of the room.
7. Properly gripping the RC as you "rest your eyes".
8. When to replace a worn out RC and what to look for in a replacement model.

Dean Spud will be offering this seminar from 9-11 a.m. on Nov. 1 at Rm. 308 at De Soto Hall. A second seminar on Nov. 8 will be offered if necessary. There will be a $25 fee. Participants are urged to bring their own RC's, as there will be no extras to hand out during the seminar. Please call the department at x258 to reserve a spot.
[NOTE: Husbands and wives will not be allowed to attend the class together - they must choose between themselves. DOOFUS will not be responsible for any "difficulties" that may arise over RC control.]

2003-10-14T09:10:00.000-05:00

ANNOUNCEMENTS

WSU regrets that it must raise tuition 300% or release half the faculty and staff. The faculty and staff voted for the tuition increase so it is effective immediately. Please make arrangements to pay the extra by close of business today. We regret any inconvenience this may cause.

There will be no heat in the classrooms or dormitories until the second semester. Director of Facilities Earl Fuddpucker assures us that it seldom gets below freezing until January so there should be no real inconvenience. Hot water has been discontinued in the Dorms.

Hot showers are available at Fuddpucker's Truckstop and Quick Lube for a nominal charge of $1.00 to WSU students.

2003-10-13T16:03:00.000-05:00

House for Rent

CLOSE TO CAMPUS, CUTE! CUTE! CUTE!—110 East Buzzard--Great for students. Quiet street, landscaped, 2BR, 1BA, LR/DEN/FR, ESIK, FP. Beautiful view of Lisa Taylor Wallace Wastewater Treatment Facility. All window treatments stay. No pets.

Click here to Take a “L(.)(.)K”!

Offered at only $545/MO + util. by Southwest TriCounty Realty—contact Bunni Wisterpin today!

2003-10-13T14:06:00.000-05:00

Announcement

University Accounting reports that tenured faculty may now deposit or cash their paychecks from 9/5 and 9/19.

2003-10-13T14:03:00.000-05:00

Research Subjects Needed

The Department of Crayon Research is looking for willing university students to act as test subjects to conduct experiments on advanced pigmented-wax coloring media. Subjects will be required to fill in paper test forms with a variety of up to three different colored pigment transfer implements. Subjects will be monitored by a variety of special instruments, both internal and external, and their responses to various colors and materials collected and analyzed. In addition to transferring pigment to paper test forms, students will also be subjected to a variety of other external stimuli such as various fragrances, burning embers, electric shock, puncturing with objects up to 10 millimeters in diameter, pounding with the use of objects not less than 4, nor more than 80 pounds, and banjo music.

Any students interested in this valuable research are urged to come by the Department of Crayon Research, Suite 500, Binney-Smith Hall or call ext. 9087. If selected, test subjects will be paid $3 per session.

2003-10-13T13:46:00.000-05:00

From the scrub pine and snaky pasturelands of the south central western portion of Alabama, somewhere south of Fayette…

Our beloved Weevil State University Fightin’ Weevils have yet again managed to emerge with a hard fought victory over our downstate rivals, Bay Minette A&M!!

Although hampered by ongoing allegations of alleged ongoings at a strip club on the Connecticut/Massachusetts state line, Head Coach Bull Winston appeared to be able to put aside those thoughts and concerns and lead the WSU Eleven to a thrilling 3-2 romp over the Steamboatmen.

Coach Winston was very pleased with the outcome, “I am very pleased,” he said, still speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via an intermediary.

Early in the game a botched flea-flicker by the Weevils on the Steamboatmen’s 40 yard line caused a free-for-all as the ball was tumbled and batted around for a loss of 60 yards until it was finally recovered by freshman running back and Hammering Technology major Terdin Glummen, who was promptly fallen on by the Bay Minette star free safety, Bob Smith, for a safety.

The game then became a titanic defensive struggle for the remainder of the game, with each team alternately running and throwing and then losing the ball. Offensive Coordinator Red Winston had been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson all week, but was somewhat disappointed in the final statistics showing a total offense of only 3 yards rushing, and –5 passing. The wishbone offense put in place at the last minute by Coach Red Winston seemed to not be well received. “We thought maybe he could do that little play action option thing and hand it to someone, but when he gets nervous, his hands sweat up a lot and we can’t find anything to help him.” Jackson did have one very long pass late in the third quarter, which was intercepted. The offensive line was very effective, and 405 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg fell on several defenders, causing them to be mashed severely.

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad on the other hand, managed to put in a respectable performance, although certain disaster loomed when the team took the field in the second half. “Well, my batteries went low on my Madden Football, and I didn’t know hardly what to do, so we just run right at them, and we did alright,” said Coach Winston. Despite allowing 300 yards of total offense, the A&M team was hampered by their own ineptitude within the red zone, and could not capitalize on the mistakes which presented themselves to the team. “I think we done real good,” said Coach Hick Winston, despite protestations from Pressbox Coach Nock Winston.

“He was just doing what I’ve been telling him to do all season,” said [Nock] Winston.

Despite the level of game play, all appeared to be lost until only 7 minutes remained in the fourth quarter, when the Bay Minette squad coughed up the ball on their own 10 yard line. After three hard downs in which the Weevils were backed up another ten yards, a crucial fourth-and-twenty field goal attempt was made.

Special Teams coach Rory Winston reports that senior kicker Buddy Winston (not the same Buddy Winston who is son of Weevil’s trainer Luther Winston) was the very model of coolness, “I think he might have gotten into something, because he was real sleepy and kind of talking out of his head like.” Regardless, in the crucial moment, the field goal attempt wobbled through the electrified atmosphere of Weevil Stadium and just barely bounded over the crossbar, falling over to send the Weevils ahead by a point.

Although the Bay Minette team attempted a hurry-up offense in the closing minutes, the hard-charging Weevils managed to stave off their attempts and emerge victorious.

Weevil State University is now 3-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 18, when the Weevils play host to Northwest Autauga Normal Institute.

2003-10-10T11:49:00.000-05:00

Football Wrapup

After past weeks of thrills and disappointments, with the arrest of known loner Thad Bointnut in connection with the theft of beloved Beau Weevil’s mascot head, a road game beset with no small amount of controversy, the appearance on campus of famed trial attorney Johnnie Cochran at the behest of Head Coach Bull Winston in his impending lawsuit against this publication, and the admission of trainer Luther Winston to the HealthSouth Central Southwest South TriCounty Regional Medical Clinic for birdshot puncture wounds to the buttocks, it seems as though the mighty Fightin’ Weevils football squad have been ignored.

Not so, says Coach Bull Winston, speaking through an intermediary. “We practice every day,” he said. Which is going to be crucial in this week’s game against the Steamboatmen of Bay Minette A&M, according to sources

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston has been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson all week. “He’s been having cramps real bad in his hands since last weekend when he was…well, he has real small hands and all. We think we might be able to come up with some sort of varitation on the wishbone that’ll be good for him. If he can’t get a good holt on the ball, he can always just sort of lob it off to Hun [senior tailback Attila Hunderbunk] or he could loft it or something.”

Asked about the surprising announcement that 405 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg would be undergoing stomach stapling surgery in November, Coach [Red] Winston said he was trying to convince Smattersberg to wait. “I brung him in the office the other day and got out my big staple gun and hit a couple of good pops right there above his navel with some 1” shingle staples until he started crying. I think I might be able to talk some sense to him now.”

Offensive right guard Lunt Cleemnerfil, a junior from Intercourse, Alabama majoring in Garbage Receptacle Science wishes to say hello to his parents, Jim and Jimmi Cleemnerfil. “I also want to say hey to Peepaw and Neener, and Big Mama and Pap, and Uncle Dick and Aunt Weeni, and everybody.”

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad is looking forward to tangling with the Steamboatmen this week. “We’re looking forward to playing them guys,” he said. “I have figured out a couple of cheat codes on the Madden Football game, and I feel like that if they get close to scoring or something, I can always do that Pause Game, Right, Left, A…well, I better not say no more or them guys from Bay Minette will know what we’re doing.”

Defensive strong safety Gordon Ho’oannookolou’a, 540 pound senior majoring in Locomotive Repair from American Samoa said he was looking forward to hosting the Steamboatmen, “I’m looking forward to playing them,” he said. This meeting is especially sweet for Ho’oannookolou’a, in that he was strongly recruited by A&M. “I found out that even though they call themselves the “Steamboatmen,” they don’t have any sort of a live-steam curriculum to speak of. For me, WSU was an obvious choice.”

Special Teams coach Rory Winston reports that Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta, world famous Czech Olympic quoits champion and backup kicker, continues to recover from his recent bout of monkeypox. Senior kicker Buddy Winston, last week allowed to travel with the team to Massachusetts, had his final court appearance earlier in the week where he was convicted of charges of Second Degree Conversion of Property and sentenced to time served. Winston said he was relieved the ordeal is over, “I’m relieved the ordeal is over,” he said.

At press time, it appears that the team’s physical training and medical needs will be served by Buddy Winston, son of the team’s head trainer, Luther Winston. “I have a great deal of experience,” said the acting trainer, noting he had a broad knowledge of tape, as well as his own bottle of Absorbine, Jr.

Weevil State University remains 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 18, when the Weevils play host to Northwest Autauga Normal Institute.

2003-10-10T10:59:00.000-05:00

Sadness Strikes Campus

It is with deep regret that the Weevil State family mourn the loss of Professor N. Clusive, Senior Scholar in the Department of Something Extremely Trendy.

Long an advocate for diversity and social tolerance, Professor Clusive was discovered in his office at 8:39 this morning. In a sad irony, he had been crushed underneath a collection of Che Guevara stone busts currently on loan to the University from the Museo de la Revolucion in Havana, Cuba.

Fortunately, none of the busts suffered any damage in the accident.

Campus Police Chief Thomas “T.R.” Randolph was the first on the scene, and described it as a terrible tragedy. “It was a terrible tragedy,” he said.

Professor Clusive, who most recently called the administration to task over the time-honored and traditional titles used in the Mr. and Miss Weevil contest, was lauded as a gentle soul and tireless worker. The Chancellor’s Office released the following statement:

We are deeply saddened by this untimely crushing of one of our proud and distinguished faulty members.

Although often at odds with the Administration, it is important to note the contributions made to the University by Professor Clusive, and justly remember him as a person of great intellect and spirit.

The University administration, faculty, staff, and student body extend to his memory a tender and heartfelt farewell.

Memorials in Professor Clusive’s honor may be made to the Re-Elect George Bush Campaign, the National Rifle Association, the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, or to the Weevil State University Young Republicans Club.

2003-10-10T08:32:00.000-05:00

DOOFUS Meeting Minutes (10/9/03):
[Dept. Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs]

After a brief prayer, Prof. Felicity read over the previous meeting minutes and then we dug right into it.
1. We salute Arnold's win in California, and we're still amazed that that liberal swamp could pull off a Republican coup. Everyone raised their RC Cola bottles in a toast to his success and hoped that he could stem the tide of the great eastern migration of Cali's.
2. Our crack research team could not uncover whether or not Plame was her maiden name of something that had been CIA-assigned (should have just been Wilson if she was married to the guy). We will continue to wait for the President's mop-up team to take care of the leak before passing any judgments.
3. It was suggested and duly elected that Columbus Day should be combined with MLK Day and Robert E. Lee Day, since it's only government workers and bankers, and not you're typical working man who seem to get an off day. The new day would be called the Floater Day, where people can honor whoever the heck they want to honor whenever the heck they want. Floating in a pool or the ocean, or having a root beer float would be optional.
4. Again, our crack research team could not come up with any solid leads on this "Pot-O-Gold" phenomenon. Prof. Felicity volunteered her niece Ophelia to go undercover and root out some information on this new organization. DOOFUS will pay for her entrance fee/donation as well as any special infiltration outfits that are needed.
** A seminar available for the whole Weevil community will be announced soon, after we figure out who's giving it and when.

Prayer requests were made for Thad Bointnut, Coach Winston, Gray Davis, our service men and women in the Middle East (as well as around the world), and for Skeeter's daughter who is facing some corrective surgery. After the meeting was adjourned, Jessie handed out some coupons for Fuddruckers. When someone asked about Fuddpluckers, Jessie just said "Hunh?". When shown the announcement from the previous day, Jessie said "That's the Proboscis for you!"

2003-10-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

Notice to students

The new cells phones are now available at the student bookstore.

2003-10-08T11:54:00.000-05:00

College vice president charged with assault against colleague

The Associated Press
10/8/2003, 11:36 a.m. CT

LaGRANGE, Ga. (AP) -- Columbus Technical College vice president Bill Sellers has been charged with aggravated assault for allegedly dragging a former coworker with his truck.

Sellers, 52, of LaGrange, was arrested Thursday at Columbus Technical College and is now free on bond. Sellers served as president of West Georgia Technical College for six years before resigning last year to take the job in Columbus.

Columbus police said Sellers used his vehicle as a deadly weapon by dragging a Phenix City, Ala., woman on the ground with his 2000 Nissan Frontier pickup Sept. 30 in the parking lot of Lake Oliver Marina in Columbus.

The victim, a former employee of West Georgia Technical College, told police she was dragged after an argument with Sellers. She was treated at St. Francis Medical Center in Columbus for injuries to her head, neck and hands. [...]

The Provost's Office reminds all faculty and staff that Weevil State University is a drag-free institution.

2003-10-08T08:03:00.000-05:00

DOOFUS Meeting Announcement:
[Dept. Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs]

All staff should plan to meet at Skeeters Filling Station (corner of Oak and Sixth) on Thursday, Oct. 9, at 10 am. Be sure to bring a folding chair in case we run out of seats, or just stand if you want, I don't care. Skeeter has also asked that whoever is spitting to not leave it in one spot on the concrete but to use a spread pattern, since someone could slip if you don't. Be prepared to discuss the following agenda:
1. Califorzenagger.
2. The Plame Blame Game.
3. Recall Columbus Day.
4. Pot-O-Gold, Hoax or Not.
After the meeting the staff is invited to Fuddpluckers for lunch. (And yes, Chancellor Oglesby, staff members will be paying for their own lunch.)

2003-10-07T13:24:00.000-05:00

A spokeman for Coach Bull Winston announced today that Coach Winston has retained famed trial lawyer Johnnie Cochrane in his suit against The Proboscis. The Proboscis' attorney, Joe Bob Fuddpucker was quoted as saying " Bring him on". Coach Winston has demanded an apology for our story about the Weevil's trip up North and the Proboscis staff has refused since we have the recording of his very own words to the effect that he took the Weevils to a strip joint.

In a possibly related development, Luther Winston was admitted to the hospital with multiple small wounds about his hind quarters. A first aid kit marked WSU Athletic Dept was found in the outer offices of The Proboscis this morning and may be retrieved at the front desk.

2003-10-07T11:08:00.000-05:00

Urgent Notice: For All Pre-Med Students

WSU students are hereby notified that enrollment in pre-med courses "Identifying Body Parts," "Operation: Not the Game," and "Wash Your Hands Before You Come to the Table" are not sufficient training to undertake castration of transgendered women at their request with no anesthesia conducted on a dining room table at home. The WSU Office of Pre-Med Admissions regrets any confusion that may have been caused by its recent admissions campaign, "Learn to Operate in 30 days!" Questions and concerns should be directed to Dean Possum.

2003-10-07T11:01:00.000-05:00

Announcements

HEY SENIORS!

MR. & MISS WEEVIL APPLICATIONS are now available at the Student Life Office (Spludger Hall).

Important Dates to Remember:
- Applications are due by 5:00 p.m. on October 20.
- Election Guide and sample ballot will be made available by October 21
- Elections will be held on October 28 and 29.
- The three finalists will be announced on October 29 by 9 p.m.
- Presentation of primary election winners at The Weevil Swarming, November 6.

Bitsy Montague
SGA Vice-President for Fun Activities for Upperclassmen
Ext. 6565

A set of bongo drums is missing from the dance studio in Dixie Graves Gym. If anyone knows anything about this, please contact the Department of Kinesiology, ext. 6590

Spring Break in Iraq
-Tour Tikrit
-Boat the Euphrates River and several scenic streams
-Stop at the Hanging Gardens of Babylon
-Visit one of fourteen different Grand Palaces
-View the Great Pride of Babylon Oil Refinery #2
-Enjoy traditional food and dance

And that’s only the first day….

Travel with Weevil State University to exotic Iraq during Spring Break 2004 - and even earn course credit!

Other activities:
-Wander through ancient cities and admire the canal network of Hammurabi
-Visit a hotel bar and meet reporters
-Experience the adventure of a lifetime

Total student fee: $72,273
Total non-student fee: $72,553
Price includes round-trip airfare, 7 overnight stays in Mosul, meals, bilingual guide, and entrance fees.

2003-10-06T10:38:00.000-05:00

The Fighting Weevils were stunned this morning by the announcement of our 405 lb Center Joe Lee Smattersberg that he is scheduled for stomach stapling surgery in November. "We're stunned" said Coach Winston. Besides being most of the offensive line, Joe Lee is of the few Weevils who attends class. He says that he learned in a nutrition class that weighing 405 lbs at age 18 is not a good thing. Professor Tilly "Tofu" Thompson who teaches a nutrition class said "It is not a good thing" when contacted by The Proboscis".

Coach Bull Winston and the Weevil Booster's today demanded that the University drop its "Communist inspired nutrition classes".

2003-10-06T10:23:00.000-05:00

Dear Editor,

Me and the other coaches are mighty upset at your misreporting my interview about our trip to Massche--, Massha, Mas---that Yankee state. We took the boys to a STRIP MALL, not a strip joint. See the boys was hungry and they had several different cafes in that there strip mall and we give each of the boys the NCAA limit of supper money ( I don't want to hear about y'all printin' any rumors about any extras from the Weevil Boosters) and sent them off, but it was not much use cause they couldn't find any stuff they recognized as food

You better start getting your stories straight or else I will have Luther and his first aid box come calling.

I'm optimistic that y'all will set this right.

Coach "Bull" Winston

[The Editorial Staff and Journalism Faculty stand by the story as reported. Coach Winston is reminded that the interview was recorded, and every attempt was made to insure his comments were not taken out of context.

Likewise, Coach Luther Winston should also be reminded never to bring a first aid box to a gunfight. Unless, you know, it's to use on himself. In that case, he should bring it. Ed.]

2003-10-06T10:07:00.000-05:00

DECEIT, TRICKERY PLAYED UPON WSU!!

Legal Action May Follow!

In a stunning development this past weekend, the Weevil State University athletic department was trapped in the tentacles of a gigantic hoax.

After driving for over twenty straight hours and 1300 miles from Weevil Station to reach the town of Arkham, Massachusetts, Head Coach Bull Winston and the Fightin’ Weevils found they had been the dupes of a cruel fiction, a mean-spirited jape upon their trusting and fine nature.

Upon their return last night, this reporter had an in-depth interview with Coach Winston to attempt to discern how this odious deed was perpetrated. Coach Winston was asked how the trip unfolded.

“It was fine,” he said. “You know we left Friday morning, and was going to drive straight through then get there on Saturday, then have a bit of time to walk the field and stuff. Well, we got up yonder, and we was following this map we got sent, and got all turned around trying to find this place. We stopped a couple of times to ask for directions to Miskatonic, but all them people up there talk so funny couldn’t none of us understand what they was a saying, and Professor MommaBear’s telephone wasn’t working, so we couldn’t get her to translate. Anyway, we kept asking and folks just looked at us like we was idiots or something.”

An Answer at Last

“We finally pulled in to a gas station somewhere around Salem or some such place and there was some smart-alecky kid working the pump. The boys all got out to go get a cold drink, and me and Luther [Winston—WSU trainer] tried to ask him where Arkham was, and he just started a’laughing and all like he was laughing at us, and so Luther took the first aid box and whanged him on his head, and I told Luther he shouldn’t have ought to have done that. Luther got one of the ammonia things and got him breathing again, and I made him apologize to the little smart-aleck right then, and then asked the boy where we was supposed to go. He said that he didn’t know who had been a’messing with us, but that this Miskatonic University and this Arkham, Massatushets places was just fissio…make-believe! Luther was about to whump him again, and I made him stop, because the boy wasn’t laughing at us no more and because I was afraid Luther might break our bottle of iodine; but anyway, that little smart-aleck said that the fellow that wrote all these stories was some Lovecraft man.”

The Call

“And see, I remember talking to some fellow that called up back last year when I was a’making out the schedules, and he said he was the Miskatonic AD, and he said his name was Lovecraft. So we’re standing there, and it finally dawns on me that we had been snookered right good!”

The coach’s anger could be seen as it flowed through his body, and every muscle in his neck twitched.

“I tell you right now, if I find that wormy little Lovecraft fellow, I’m not going to be real Christian towards him at all!”

Alternatives Discussed

“So, I got the boys back together and told them that this little smart-alecky boy had told me that this whole deal was just one big put-on by some fancy writer man, and they was just about to jump the boy and I told them not to because Luther’d done got him one. I loaded them back on the bus, and us coaches all had us a meeting right there. We figured there wasn’t much else we could do—we had all that money with us for Gatorade and groceries and the motel rooms, so we turned the bus around and headed back down the road to that strip club we had seen back there at the Connecticut line.”

Coarse Women

“We pulled up to this joint, and I tell you, I regret taking the boys there. We walked in and right away we knew we’d made a mistake—them girls didn’t have a bit of makeup on, and you know how coarse some of them Yankee girls look. There was several of them that could’ve done an extra lap around their legs and under their arms with the razor, too. And to make it even worse, the boys said they heard some of them girls just a’cussing up a storm—I tell you what, it just makes you wonder about how some folks are raised."

“The only one of us that seemed to be having any sort of time was D’Wontavius—he found some gal who was…well, she didn’t have too much in the way of a figure—she was built like a mop, but her and D’Won seemed to hit it off.”

Coach rubbed his face and looked thoughtful—“He’s got them tiny little hands and all, you know…”

Leaving Out

“We weren’t having too much fun, and then that blowhard Ted Kennedy showed up with a mess of folks and they was all in their cups and such, and there just wasn’t no sort of way we was going to stay there with a bunch of drunk Kennedys on the loose, so we loaded on back up and headed home. That sure was one long trip for nothing.”

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston did manage to find one bright spot in the horrid events, “Well, we didn’t lose,” he said.

That may not be good enough for one Alabama state legislator.

The Legal Option

State of Alabama 36th District Senator Cadmus Preston “Ned” Forntlivaughn, III (D. Lubbub) is outraged at what has befallen Weevil State.

“I tell you it is an outrage that the great people of the State of Alabama and of the 36th District have had their precious monies wasted away by filthy evildoers who would sully our fine citizens with this ill-advised and mean-mannered despicable act of deceit by this author Lovecraft. In the next regular session, I will introduce legislation to amend the Constitution of Alabama to make it a capital felony for authors to induce, coerce, or by any fraudulent means whatsoever, cause a football team in this state to schedule a game with a school which does not exist.”

Coach Bull Winston is grateful for the support of the senator, and hopes the legislation will pass. “I sure hope this passes,” he said. “We need to be protected from mess like this.”

Weevil State University remains 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are home again to host Bay Minette A&M.

2003-10-06T08:38:00.000-05:00

Exclusive Interview

In a journalistic coup, a reporter for The Proboscis was able to secure an exclusive interview with the Rev. Al Sharpton, one of the contenders for the Democratic presidential nominee. The whole Weevil community has been abuzz about Rev. Sharpton's extended stay here on campus, considering his other important commitments to his campaign. The hard-hitting but fair investigative reporter for The Proboscis, Ralph Vest, has the details on a new campus organization.

Ralph Vest: Rev. Sharpton, amidst a very busy schedule, you have spent a few extra days here on the WSU campus. Why?
Rev. Al Sharpton: Well, you know, being a city boy and all, I just love to occasionally get out of the hustle and bustle of New York, take off my shoes and socks and let my toes breathe.
RV: Now c'mon, rumor has it that you are organizing a student group ...
AS: I'm not at liberty to divulge much information on that right now.
RV: Aww, please? C'mon ... pretty please? I really really wish you would.
AS: OK, OK. Since Jessie Jackson's Rainbow Coalition seems to be losing steam, I have led an effort to keep minority issues on the front burner. Since the Rainbow is near its end, the new organization will be called "Pot-O-Gold".
RV: That's an interesting name - any concern that it will be confused with Irish interests?
AS: Naah, we think it's a winner since alot of folks will think it has something to do with a lottery. We are starting out on campuses, tapping into the vitality and energy of young campus idealists to help run this grass-roots effort. That first part of the name usually gets student's initial interest. By utilizing the young people's fervor, we expect this organization to grow like a weed.
RV: Limited to just African-Americans?
AS: Not at all, we'll take anyone who has a pulse and wants to make a difference for minority concerns. In fact, we have plans for a chapter specializing in Latino interests called "Acapulc-O-Gold". We will be rolling out more as necessary.
RV: Why WSU?
AS: The Weevil campus is centrally located and has a long history of concern for minority causes. Plus we were offered a free office from Student Affairs, no questions asked.
RV: Finally, any truth to the rumor that you will be associated with NORML?
AS: While some of our student members may be "out there", by and large I expect that most of our members could be considered normal.
RV: No, I mean N-O-R-M-L.
AS: I don't know where you got that from, and there is no truth to that. Why do you ask?
RV: Oh, nothing ...

Ralph Vest will continue to keep his finger on the pulse of Pot-O-Gold and bring more hard-hitting reports as they become available (and if he can get his grades up in ESLS).

2003-10-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

Fuddpucker's Holiday Supply Company, right next door to Fuddpucker's Pre-Owned Automobiles is pleased to announce our annual Columbus Day Sale. Get your Columbus Day decorations at the Fuddpucker Factory Outlet. We have lovely models of Columbus' ships, Columbus costumes (They make great Halloween outfits) and a fine collection of Columbus Day Candles. For those who think Columbus was an imperialist pig, we have a fine collection of Native American items some of which are not made in China.

Fuddpucker's Holiday Supply Company, Hours 12-12 (convenient for our WSU friends) Sunday through Saturday except for Tuesdays and occasional Thursdays.

2003-10-03T16:56:00.000-05:00

Football News

The buses have just pulled away from campus carrying our Fightin’ Weevils up to Arkham, Massachusetts for their first ever meeting against Miskatonic University. Arkham, a hotbed of football fun, is also home to the Arkham Fighting Cephalopods pro team, as well as the Miskatonic Whippoorwills.

Weevils Head Coach Bull Winston was optimistic about their prospects, “I’m real optimistic,” he said.

“We don’t know no whole lot about them—haven’t been able to watch no game film or nothing. We keep hearing about this Thoolu or Cootloo fellow [sic, “Cthulhu” Ed.] but we can’t quite figure out if he’s the coach or their quarterback or what. I reckon we’ll find out when we get there.”

The Fightin’ Weevils will be missing one of their star players this week, as former Czech Olympic quoits champion Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta is not feeling well due to a bout of monkeypox. Fortunately, senior kicker Buddy Winston was released from custody in a temporary parole arrangement and Special Teams coach Rory Winston seems confident of his abilities, “He’ll do alright, I reckon,” said Coach.

After last week’s difficulties with the passing game, Offensive Coordinator Red Winston has been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson on running. “We need to run more,” said Coach [Red] Winston. “Them little hands of his, you know…”

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad is looking forward to tangling with the Whippoorwills this week. “We’re looking forward to playing them guys,” said Coach, “I got me one of them handheld Madden Football games now, so I can carry it around with me on the sidelines.”

Pressbox Coach Nock Winston was less enthused about the use of the Madden device, “No, I’m calling the plays, and if he [Coach Hick Winston] don’t like it, he just needs to talk to Daddy [Head Coach Bull Winston] about it right now.”

Weevil State University is now 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are again home against Bay Minette A&M.

2003-10-03T16:11:00.000-05:00

Big News

First there were the miniature dogs, then it was on to miniature horses, then the craze for pint-sized companionship moved on to miniature pigs. What’s the next big little thing?

Well, if researchers in the Ornamental Animal program at the Weevil State University Department of Animal Husbandry have anything to do with it, it will be the ancient ship (or, in this case, dinghy) of the desert.

That’s right, the camel!

Doctor Flun Tumnler, along with graduate students Yih Xhun Lao, Lao Mi Na, Xia Fan, Bob Smith, and Chu Xhan Fa have been working for the past three years on a project to breed miniature camels for the domestic pet market.

“We think we have hit upon an idea that will really take off,” said Dr. Tumnler. “They look just like their full-sized kin, but have been specially bred to a much reduced size.”

Indeed they have. The largest, a bull camel named Lucky, stands only three feet high at his shoulder.

But, you might ask, what about the famous camel temperament? Dr. Tumnler: “Oh yes, they still spit and try to snap at you—they are still camels after all. And they have the same camel aroma. But with their diminutive size, they can now be owned by people in apartments who before were unable to enjoy full sized camels.”

Speaking through an interpreter, graduate research assistant Bob Smith had this to say, “We believe we also will be finding a market for them in poorer countries, where to have a large herd of camels would be prohibitively expensive. The smaller camels only eat about 65-87% of the amount a large camel would eat, and their production of dung is likewise reduced by up to approximately 5%.”

Tumnler also speculates they would be very popular with people doing nativity scenes, especially those who have limited yard space.

As with their beast of burden big brothers, the little fellows like to haul things, too.

Another research assistant, Xia Fan, said, “Oh, yeah, like, they like for you to like put stuff on their backs, and they lope around the pasture here—oh my gahhh, they are soooooo cute!”

Dr. Tumnler cautions, however, that they aren’t able to support the weight of a full-grown human rider. “No,” he chuckled, “they can’t do that. But we have had very good success with various monkeys. The capuchins especially seem to enjoy riding around, and we have a grand time putting on races between the animals. Benson over there is our fastest little fellow, but only when Binky is riding him—he can’t seem to tolerate the other monkeys.”

So when will the tiny camels be ready for the huge miniature domestic companion market? Dr. Tumnler confides that a certain nationally-known luxury retailer has asked to sell the first pair, “I can’t say who it is right now, but it rhymes with Knee Man, Mare Gas…get it? Knee Man, Mare Gas?”

This reporter certainly did, and now you will be able to, also!

2003-10-03T08:46:00.000-05:00

Sunday Service
Services at the Weevil Student Chapel (located in the basement of De Soto Hall) begin at 10 am with a time of fellowship. Church coffee and cookies provided by the Triple Rock Salvation church will be served. Worship service starts at 11 am. Pastor Raster was scheduled to continue his series in Prosperity with the topic of "What To Do With It Once You Got It", but will be rescheduled for next week since we have a special guest on Sunday. Rev. Al Sharpton will deliver his message, "God's In Control, And I'm Just Here To Help". The Triple Rock Salvation Praise Band will be providing the music, so be sure to put on your shouting shoes. A large-screen video simulcast in the De Soto Hall gameroom will be provided in case the chapel gets too full.

2003-10-02T15:23:00.000-05:00

Older lady seeks young man to help with fall planting. Call Laura Reynolds at 318-4237.

2003-10-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

Police Report

Professor of Industrial Arts Elroy Fuddpucker reported that someone has stolen the department's Craftsman 5hp, 33 gallon, 12.9 scfm @ 40 psi, 10 scfm at 90 psi belt drive compressor. An unidentified witness said he saw a truck with a Utah license plate near the Industrial Arts Department on Sunday night, but figured it was just one of them artsy types picking up their so called "art".

Professor Puddpucker is offering a $10 reward for information regarding the thief.

Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph says "call him at extension 10-4 if you seen anything".

2003-10-02T09:54:00.000-05:00

WSU STUDENT ARRESTED IN BEAU HEAD THEFT

In a stunning turn of events, last evening at approximately 10:45 p.m., a combined 300-man Counter-Terror Task Force made up of federal, state, county, local, and campus police, as well as agents from the FBI, ATF, and UPS, along with a company of military police assigned to the Grinder’s Switch National Guard armory, acting on an anonymous tip, converged on the grounds of Howard Morris Dormitory and arrested one Thaddeus Maurice Bointnut, a freshman in the Weevil State Lead Smelting program.

Bointnut, aged 19, from Loachapoka, Alabama, and Chapter President of the Weevil State University chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism, was arrested on suspicion of theft of property, specifically the head of famed Weevil State mascot, Beau Weevil.

Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph said he hopes this sends a message, “I hope this sends a message that you can’t just go around taking things that aren’t yours.”

Bointnut protested his innocence, saying he was being persecuted for attempting to interfere with last night’s League of Weevil Voters presidential debate. Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph discounted this idea, noting that he had received a tip fair and square, and that nobody would accuse a student unless he were really guilty. It is worth noting that the fiberglass weevil head was not found in his dorm room or otherwise in his possession.

“We are not concerned about that,” said Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, “we believe after questioning the alleged thief that he will confess.”

Although the missing article did not turn up, Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph did note that other items had been seized during the raid, “We confiscated a replica of a Scottish Claymore sword, and a mace.”

The sword, which appeared to this reporter to be an accurate copy made from corrugated cardboard and aluminum foil, as well as the mace, which was constructed from a large Styrofoam ball with cone-shaped paper drinking cups glued to it, are, according to Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, “just a part of the terrifyingly dangerous arsenal of Medieval role-playing articles which members of these groups collect. Any one of them could cause an eye to be jabbed, possibly even leading to partial vision loss. That’s why we had to use the pepper spray and the Taser on him.”

Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph also noted that the suspect occasionally uses an alias. “Yeah, he calls himself Wolvenslay, which is really violent sounding. We don’t know what he could be up to. Not that I can talk any more about that.”

Other items confiscated in the raid include the hard drive from Bointnut’s computer, three issues of Maxim magazine, a medicine bottle with unidentified pills, a series of lewd 12th Century Flemish woodcut prints, $200 in cash, and two cans of Cel-Ray.

Reached for comment, the University Chancellor stated that he was relieved this matter now seemed to be coming to a close, “I am relieved, but I must ask that all other questions be directed to the Office of Student Affairs or to Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph.”

The Office of Student Affairs was reached this morning, and had no comment.

Jeanine Pendergast, the student who for the past two weeks has had to lead the spirit section without her head, was also relieved, “I am, like, so relieved,” she said.

Students who know Bointnut are coming forward to his defense. Thomas “Digger” Clummber, a freshman in Porcine Husbandry said, “I don’t think he did it, but if he did they ought to fry him.” Another student, sophomore Mitzi Beaumont, a KA Little Sister from Evergreen, Alabama, knew the suspect. “He was sort of a loner, I suppose. He was always talking like he lived back in the Dark Ages or something. He was kind of creepy.”

Bointnut is being held in the Town of Weevil Station jail on $10,000,000 bond.

2003-10-02T08:22:00.000-05:00

DEBATE UPDATE

In a surprise move, the Democratic presidential candidate debate was held last night. Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph explains:

Well, you see, with that Thad nut spouting off, as well as some other incidents I cannot disclose at this time, we decided to put out that bogus cancellation report. Because of security concerns, we moved the debate to the CNBC-3 studios. Apparently the SCA is a front for a terrorist group known as the "Spenichistas". Based on our leading-edge terrorist training, we put the campus on a double-secret code yellow alert. We had the Grinder's Switch National Guard, one of the few not called up yet, on alert just in case. I even had to tell my wife that I was going to help with some rookie training last night. Uh oh, now she's going to know ... honey, it was for your own protection!

A small audience was rounded up by inviting some of the teams that were done playing in their rec. soccer league, as well as some students hanging out in the game room at De Soto Hall and various faculty that happened to be blogging at their offices past 4 pm. The debate was spirited but did not yield any quotes worth repeating. The moderation from Ms. O'Donnell was the highlight of the evening.

Some comments from those in attendance:
On Howard Dean - He's shorter than I expected.
On John Kerry - Oooh, I'd kill for that haircut, but who has $200 for a trim?
On Dennis Kucinich - He reminded me of my sixth grade soccer coach.
On Wesley Clarke - He was a general ... in the army ... really?
On Carol Mosely-Braun - Va va va voom, she really brings some glamour to this gang.
On John Edwards - I wouldn't let him represent me in a courtroom, let alone vote for him.

From the Q&A session, the 4 questions (with response) for Ms. Mosely-Braun:
1. Illinois has given us Lincoln, Reagan and Hillary - are you next in line? CM-B: But of course.
2. Is it true that you have over 400 pair of shoes in your closet? CM-B: No.
3. Then how many do you have? CM-B: Ummm ... a little over 200.
4. What's your take on the Rush Limbaugh comment about Donovan McNabb: CM-B: While I have not met him in person, from what I have seen Rush is not big nor is he fat. And Donovan can be a QB on my team any day - whoo!

Fortunately the debate went without incident, thanks to the heightened security provided by Chief Randolph and his dedicated crew. The debate will be rebroadcast on CNBC-3 at 8 pm, interrupting their round-the-clock coverage of YellowCake-Gate. Questions about Ms. O'Donnell and her stay here have been met with tight lips and icy stares from the Chancellor and his secretary. An unsubstantiated report has revealed that a framed 8x10 glossy of Ms. O'Donnell inscribed with "Thanks Big Guy! Hugs, Norah" is now sitting on the Chancellor's desk.

The League of Weevil Voters wants to thank all concerned for making this debate the huge success that it was.

2003-10-01T13:09:00.000-05:00

EVEN MORE-LATER-THAN-BEFORE-BREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT

The Editorial Staff has just received this message:

From the Office of the Chancellor

In Re: League of Weevil Voters Democratic Debate

It has come to our attention that due to some rash and hateful vitriol from a student at Weevil State, the scheduled debate among the ten Democratic contenders for the office of the United States Presidency sponsored by the League of Weevil Voters has been cancelled.

It is the position of this office that the League of Weevil Voters, having managed to actually get the potential candidates to appear on campus, as well as to provide a nationally-known moderator (the competent and well-groomed Norah O'Donnell of NBC) for whom the Chancellor has already made private-dining reservations at Bubba's Ribs and Stuff, as well as at Top o' the Evenin' for a post-debate party, and that the League of Weevil Voters represents a much wider group of interests than the Society of Creative Anachronism, who are interested only in promoting their own interests, that:

a) The League of Weevil Voters does NOT have to cancel its planned debate,
b) The League of Weevil Voters is NOT to contact Ms. O'Donnell with any sort of information contrary to point a), even if after discussion it is decided to cancel the debate anyway,
c) The Weevil State University Chapter of the Society of Creative Anachronism is hereby placed on Organizational Probation Code 3, and
d) Mr. Bointnut is hereby placed on Academic Watch Status XI, as well as being added to the Campus Terror Watch List.

So ordered this 1st Day of October, 2003

THE CHANCELLOR

2003-10-01T12:33:00.000-05:00

EVEN LATER-BREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT

The League of Weevil Voters has cancelled the last-minute Democrat presidential candidate debate, since Thad seemed to be ticked off about it. Plus Chancellor Oglesby has to deal with unruly 5th graders Wed. night.

Just forget it.

2003-10-01T11:32:00.000-05:00

The Weevil State University Theatre Presents…

[Editor’s Note: The following article deals with an upcoming event to be performed at the Ted McGinley Auditorium on October 24. The play, a real famous New York one by some woman named Ensler, deals with a topic which some readers of THE PROBOSCIS may find disturbing or inappropriate.

This play has caused much tumult in the pages of the more traditional family newspapers in our area, in that the title contains a word referring to a particular part of the anatomy of members of the female sex. Newspapers have struggled with how best to report stories without having to offend readers or cause them to faint.

Some have simply used the word, which is just beyond the pale. Others have abbreviated the title to simply “Monologues”, while others delete particular letters from the word in question, leading to such things as “The ***i*a Mon*****e*”. None of these options seem to strike a good balance from the point of view of readability or dealing with the matter in a mature, rational manner. We have taken a slightly different tack, which we hope will satisfy our readers.]

The Birmingham News called it “frank, funny, sometimes poignant”.

Today, we are visiting with Cay Wooshley, a senior Theater major from Susan Moore, Alabama. The location—Cay’s off-campus apartment at #3 Winston Farms Phase 2, is a funky, urbane conglomeration of cast-off props and theater ephemera which fairly well looks as though it might have been torn right from the pages of Town and Country or Southern Living.

Cay, dressed in a light teal top and white slacks, pads barefoot from the kitchen before curling up on the sofa.

CAY WOOSHLEY: OH—I am SO sorry—can I get you something to drink? I have Cel-Ray…I have a friend, who is a theater major at NYU, that’s New York University, and he sends me some every month. You just can’t get it around here—I keep asking Tim at the Food Giant and he just like, STARES at me. I hate that. No offense, Tim—you don’t have to write that do you? Oh, it’s okay, go ahead.

I politely refuse the carbonated celery juice beverage and get down to business.

THE PROBOSCIS: Cay…

CW: Wait, hold on right there—it’s pronounced ‘key’, like Key Largo or Key Biscayne or Key West. That’s the spelling “en Espanol”—we have ancestors who were Spanish, from Mobile, and I think they were part of the royal family, and my mother always thought it was a beautiful name and sort of exotic and would be real unique when I was on stage. I was the only Cay in school, which was hard but I managed just fine.

TP: Sorry—so, Cay, tell me a little bit about “The Hoohoo Monologues”, and why you are doing it as a one-man show.

CW: Oh, gosh, where to start?! I mean, I just LOVE this play to pieces! You know, it was written by a New Yorker named Eve Ensler, and so that right there is just something, and to be able to add my own interpretation to it is just so thrilling. I have been a fan since I read about it in Variety, and I think that it will bring a little bit of edginess to the whole Tri-County area. I think that is SO important, you know. There is SO little edge here.

TP: And a one-man show?

CW: OH right, I forgot the question—yes, I tried to get the girls in the theater department to do it—I said “do it”—don’t print that…oh, go ahead… Anyway, none of them like it, the play, so I did an adaptation to read all the parts myself.

I think it really adds something to the whole thing, a layer of understanding and poingnancy to go along with the whole swirling rest of the humor, power, pain, wisdom, outrage, mystery and excitement hidden in those things.

TP: Hoohoos?

CW: EXACTLY!! And you know, as a man, this sort of exploration I think makes you much more sensitive to the real needs of women, and despite not being one, every one of your male readers who read this—YOU, and YOU, and YOU…

Wooshley pointed his finger vigorously at persons he imagines to be reading this article

CW: …all of you had a mother at some point in your life! Someone to make you take clog dancing lessons, and enter Little Mister Susan Moore pageants, and someone to take you to the Belk’s in Montgomery when they have a sale on cute outfits—someone JUST. LIKE. THAT. And that’s real important. Was I being too harsh? Don’t print that…well, go ahead.

TP: Cay, The Hoohoo Monologues has grown from an Off-Broadway hit into an international cultural phenomenon and has been performed in over 40 countries along with two North American touring companies, and is currently booked in over 160 cities in the US & Canada, and has been translated into over 35 different languages. Do you think your version compares favorably to the ones which use women in the cast?

CW: What are you trying to say? Has someone said something to you?

TP: No, I…

Wooshley jumped from the sofa and hurried to a back bedroom. In a moment, he returned, composed, but with red-tinged eyes.

CW: I am…sorry. That wasn’t very professional of me. That is one of the things in my Asset Book—I call it “Cay’s Asset Book”—that I am trying to work on. I have a…a difficult time…dealing with criticism of my work.. It’s my life, you know, and I know what some people have been…been…saying. It’s just like when I’m a bit slow at the Steer Inn with someone’s order, and they get all, like, “Where’s the manager!” and I get all, like, “I AM AN ACTOR!”—even though I want to direct—and they get all huffy and mean and…well…anyway, that.

TP: Sorry—Cay, as you know, here in the United States, and even in Weevil Station, the The Hoohoo Monologues has entered the popular consciousness and has been referenced on several hit television programs, including “Will & Grace,” “The Simpsons,” “Ally McBeal,” “Sex and the City,” “Dharma and Greg,” “Saturday Night Live,” and “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Do you see for yourself a career in addition to that on the live stage—television, movies, commercials?

Wooshley crossed his legs akimbo on the sofa, and steepled his fingers before pursed lips

CW: Hmm. You know, I think you HAVE been talking to someone—it’s like you have been reading my MIND!!

I love the theater, don’t get me wrong, but I think any actor worth his greasepaint wants to explore many different worlds before he becomes a director. You know, I have appeared in several of the ads for Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury on the Bypass—they aren’t credited, of course, and I had some real head-butts with their cameraman on a couple—I will not work nude unless it’s integral to the storyline—but I think the “Waving Happy Customer (Man)” I did with the new Mustang last year was very, VERY, promising. I see myself being able to go both ways—live theater AND film.

TP: Thank you for your time today, Cay.

CW: EVERYONE COME SEE ME!!

The Weevil State University Theater will be presenting Cay Wooshley in “The Hoohoo Monologues” One-Man Show, beginning October 24 and running through October 26 at the Ted McGinley Auditorium. Tickets are on sale now at the box office and through Weevtick. Students $5, Faculty $8.75, General Admission $12.

2003-10-01T09:56:00.000-05:00

LATE-BREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT

In a last-minute deal, the League of Weevil Voters has arranged for the Gang of 10 (otherwise known as the Democratic presidential candidates) to a debate here on the campus of Weevil State University at 7 pm Wednesday in the auditorium of De Soto Hall. Seating is limited to the first 500 students with valid WSU ID's, in addition to any staff member who calls in by 5 pm today (x667). CNBC-3 (local cable channel 113) will televise the debate live.

The moderator for the debate will be Norah O'Donnell. Chancellor Oglesby has graciously offered to host Ms. O'Donnell during her stay here, including dinner at the private dining room section of Bubba's Ribs and Stuff. The debate will center on criticizing President Bush, avoiding any detailed plans of what the candidates would actually do if elected. The three topics of discussion are: President Bush - selected not elected, big bad bully, liar liar pants on fire.

Each candidate will be given 90 seconds for each topic, with the lovely and talented Ms. O'Donnell choosing the order of the candidates. Selected members of the audience will be given a chance to ask carefully screened questions to the candidate of their choice for the remaining time. So as not to make the other candidates feel left out, the number of questions directed to Carol Moseley-Braun will be limited to 4.

2003-09-30T16:29:00.000-05:00

A couple of people (okay, one) have asked if Fuddpucker Enterprises and the Fuddrucker's Hamburger chain are related. As far as we know, there is no relationship. There was once a Fuddpucker's Cafe on East Fuddpucker Square, but it closed when the grease made it impossible to open the door. They passed something off as a hamburger, but it was neither high priced nor quality. It was a favorite late night hangout for students because of their hard coffee and four for a dollar "sliders".

There was the incident back in the 70's when some student stole Officer Roy Lee Fuddpucker's police cruiser when he left the key in the ignition while getting a late night cup of coffee at Fuddpucker's Cafe. There was a major man and car hunt before the cruiser was found at five AM parked on West Fuddpucker Square .

Mayor Clovis Fuddpucker was heard to comment that Roy Lee didn't get a full mess of brains and they never caught the thief. Roy Lee's bullet was the only thing missing.

Addendum: Roy Lee the policeman is not the same person as Roy E. Lee Fuddpucker VI who owns Fuddpucker's Orchard and Wrecking Yard. He is the other Roy Lee Fuddpucker.

2003-09-30T14:53:00.000-05:00

Making Your Reading Experience Just That Much Better

The Editorial Staff and Journalism Faculty are proud and excited to announce a new additon to THE PROBOSCIS, in the form of an interactive feature called 'hyper-links', which will lead our readers to other news sources around the state and around the globe!

These 'hyper-links', which are over to the right below the faculty listing, will allow you, the reader, through the simple task of clicking with your 'mouse' to be taken DIRECTLY to the online version of the newpaper of your choice!

This marvelous technology is just one of the many ways we hope to serve you better, and to continue the long, award-winning tradition of the Weevil State Journalism Department.

2003-09-30T12:36:00.000-05:00

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

Press Release from the Athletic Director to all of the athletic supporters:

Due to the confusion surrounding a WSU school that is ranked in the top 20, the following practice should be observed:

Any reference to Weevil State University should be shortened to "Weesu"
Any reference to Washington State University should be shortened to "Wazzu"
Any reference to Weber State University should be shortened to "Webs"
Any reference to Wayne State University should be made as we always have to "that other WSU" as you shake your head sadly, look down at the ground and gently sigh

Thank you for all of your support, and let's continue to cheer on our Weevils as we strive to crack the top 20 AND graduate nearly all of our student athletes. Go Weevils!

2003-09-30T11:38:00.000-05:00

Refund

The University Panhellenic Entertainment Council wishes to inform those students who purchased tickets for the "Pink Lady...and Jeff! Reunion Concert" for October 10 may obtain a refund from the Panhellenic Office, or may exchange their tickets for the November 21 Vanilla Ice concert.

2003-09-30T11:08:00.000-05:00

Faculty Calendars

The University Central Supply Office would like to remind the faculty and staff that the new 2000-2001 softbound calendars are in and ready to be picked up. These are not the DayRunner Model 5-1249-B but the DayRunner Model 5-1249-BP. Anyone who ordered an DayRunner SJ-1249-B will be given a DayRunner SJ-1429-B, when they come in. You must sign for your copy, including Form F, and you are only allowed to have one calendar.

2003-09-30T10:49:00.000-05:00

Campus Security Reports

--Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph reminds students that the use of flammable materials for cooking, cleaning, or entertainment on campus, including in dormitories and in fraternity/sorority houses, is frowned upon, and could result in a citation or a disciplinary demerit.

--An envelope was found at the library on Wednesday, September 24, containing three dollars and a receipt from the Fayette Wal-Mart for Cover Girl lipstick, Purina Ferret Chow, a 12 count box of Sam’s Choice corn dogs, 5 feet of elastic (white), and a 10 ounce can of Curex spray powder. The envelope and its contents have been left at Campus Lost and Found.

--On Sunday, September 28 at 9:17 p.m., a caller to Campus Police Central Dispatch from the Jack Burns and Avery Schreiber Dormitory reported hearing a noise. The noise was described as being of a medium volume, and lasting for approximately 38 seconds. Officer Pindawhatti was dispatched to the scene and interviewed the caller. An incident report was filed.

2003-09-29T16:10:00.000-05:00

ANNOUNCEMENT

Mr. Leroy Fuddpucker held a news conference today to announce that Fuddpucker Enterprises is endowing the General Roy E. Lee Fuddpucker Chair of Alabama Tawk. In his statement, he said he had become concerned that "y'all can't hardly understand a thang them Yankees say when they tawk" as best we were able to interpret. Dean Smith was unavailable for comment.

Mr. Fuddpucker also announced that he is having to move his proposed graduation date to 2010 due to business commitments and a problem in Professor Yorkie's poetry class

2003-09-29T15:58:00.000-05:00

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

Fuddpucker's Firearms, Shooting Range and Tanning Salon will beat any price on firearms offered by that hussy Jessie who just happens to be the Ex of Leroy Fuddpucker and who took him to the Cleaners and took the Cleaners too.

Buy a gun and we will give you free time on the Range plus for only $2.00 a round, you can shoot Leroy's very own .50 Caliber Machine Gun.

Fuddrucker's Where Real Men (and Women) Shop

2003-09-29T15:31:00.000-05:00

Beau Update

As reported last week, the missing fiberglass head of Fightin’ Weevils mascot Beau Weevil is still missing.

Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph said the investigation is continuing, and is still being treated as a theft. “At this time, our investigation is continuing. We are monitoring several people, who we are not at liberty to divulge about, who we think might have been involved. Or not. But we are not calling them suspects. Right now.” Chief Randolph refused to be more specific. “I can’t say nothing else.”

When questioned about reports that the head had been seen hanging from a traffic light in Columbus, Mississippi, Chief Randolph remained tight-lipped. “I don’t know nothing about that.”

Jeanine Pendergast, a junior marketing major and Phi Mu from Hunko’s Bluff, Alabama, is the student who gives life to the beloved curculio, and she is understandably distraught. “That was, like, everything to me. And at the game Saturday, I had to use something my sisters made out of paper mache, which was just so sweet of them to make for me, but it’s still not like my real head. Every time the phone rings, I hope it’s someone calling about it. But it never is.”

Her mother, Mrs. Jewel Dean Pendergast, is shocked at what has happened to her daughter. “I am shocked at what has happened to Jeanine,” she said. “I send my baby away to a fine school and someone steals her only head. We may have to take some action ourselves.” Mrs. Pendergast would not elaborate, although her husband is a partner in the firm of Pendergast & Pluckgett, attorneys practicing in the field of real estate title research.

Another potential witness was questioned by Campus Police on Thursday last, although no new information was forthcoming.

All students and faculty are asked to contact Campus Police at ext. 4-9981 if you have any information about the perpetrators of this alleged crime.

The head is described as being a fourteen pound fiberglass replica of a boll weevil head with a three foot long proboscis. It was reported last week that Miss Pendergast had written her name in blue Sharpie marker on the back inside surface, as well as her telephone number and her dorm room number. This information was incorrectly reported, in that she used a generic blue permanent marker, more than likely produced by a company in Taiwan or Indonesia, and not one produced by the Sanford Corportation of Bellwood, IL. THE PROBOSCIS regrets this error.

2003-09-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

Weekend Sports Wrap Up

Saturday dawned bright and breezy, and after taking the traditional Weevil Walk along the Square, The Weevil State University Fightin' Weevils entered under the sacred dome of Weevil Field to take on the highly-touted Monks of Minot [North Dakota] Jesuit Seminary.

The game turned out to be one of marked contrasts—according to Head Coach Bull Winston, “They done some strange stuff and we tried not to.” Some of these mysterious things included the use of a no-huddle offense and exclusive use of the shotgun formation. Monks head coach Fr. Pat Slagging noted that this was done as a way to combat the string of delay of game penalties the team has suffered in past seasons from spending too much time huddled together and at the line of scrimmage, waiting for the snap.

Alas, even with a scheme of placing their quarterback well away from center, the MJS team still seemed to not be able to get it together, and went down to a hard loss of 6-3.

Fulfilling his promise of opening up the offensive game by passing, Offensive Coordinator Red Winston had quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson throw the ball every play, a total of 302 attempts with a completion percentage of 1.3, totalling 40 yards of passing offense for the Weevils. Although Jackson was intercepted 130 times, Minot State could only manage a total of –2 yards of runback yardage.

Despite the lack of a planned running offense, a bright spot was that there was a total of 78 rushing yards for Weevil State resulting from picking up balls which were fumbled and running with them. Coach [Red] Winston was upbeat about this strategy, although he does think some balance may be required. “Yeah, I think we might work on running the ball on purpose some more this week in practice.” Quarterback Coach Sonny Winston was also upbeat about Jackson’s performance, saying, “Even with his little small hands, I think he done real good. His arm hurts though.”

The Weevils managed to press close on to the Minot defenders throughout the game, although some players complained about the Monks’ style of play. Offensive left guard Tum Lummly, sophomore Gardening major from Andalusia, said the Monks were tough to play against. “They was all holding and all, and it seemed like they wanted you to fall on them and stuff. But they was real friendly, and they did like to pat us on the backend after a play and all. So I guess it was okay. They was real friendly.” That friendliness didn’t pay off for MJS, though, and through a series of defensive miscues the Fightin’ Weevils managed to slip close enough in the third quarter for two field goals.

Special Teams coach Rory Winston is pleased with the kicking game. "I am real pleased with the kicking game," he said. Freshman punter Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta, former quoit champion from the Czech Republic, was pressed into service as a place kicker for this game, after senior kicker Buddy Winston was unable to make bail. Buteriskavianiesta managed to kick the two goals cleanly through the uprights, caroming the ball off the helmets of several players, even as he could be heard saying in broken English that he wanted to go home.

Although Buteriskavianiesta was unavailable for post-game comment, Coach [Rory] Winston says the Czech kicker is very happy, “Yeah, he’s real happy. He don’t want to go back to live in ungodly Communism.” When reminded that the Czech Republic is no longer Communist dominated, Coach Winston said he knew that, but was just making conversation.

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad managed to hold the Monks scoreless though most of the game until the last quarter when an errant pass from the Monks quarterback was actually received well into Weevil territory, setting up a 17 yard field goal by the Jesuits. It seemed to take the whole defense by surprise, “It took us all kind of by surprise,” said Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston. “They just handled the ball real good.”

Coach [Hick] Winston had noted in pregame intervies that he would try to blitz, based upon what he had learned watching his players demonstrate their talents on the popular video game, Madden Football. “We tried it, and had good luck with it,” said Coach.

Defensive strong safety Gordon Ho’oannookolou’a, 540 pound senior majoring in Locomotive Repair from American Samoa, was excited about the defense. "I was very excited about the defense," he said. “I don’t ever get to blitz, but Coach said I could, so I did.” Ho’oannookolou’a has one assist.

Weevil State University is now 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. Saturday the Fightin’ Weevils will travel to play Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are again home against Bay Minette A&M.

In other sports news, the Lady Weevils won a field hockey game.

2003-09-29T08:36:00.000-05:00

SPECIAL APPEARANCE

On Tuesday afternoon at Jessie's Outdoorsman, from 3-5 pm, a representative of Smith & Wesson will be on hand to present their latest handgun, the Model 500.

- Most Powerful Production Revolver in the World Today
- Massive 500 S&W Magnum® Cartridge 2600 ft/lb. Muzzle Energy
- A Hunting Handgun For Any Game Animal Walking
- Recoil Tamed with Effective Muzzle Compensator
- Hoque Sorbathane® Recoil Absorbing Grip
- Internal Lock

The first 50 customers will receive S&W hats.
[NOTE: Since guns cannot be fired in the store, the S&W rep. will, if asked, grasp the customer's hands as the customer is holding the gun, then recreate the sound and recoil of a shot as if the customer was shooting the gun himself.]

Come by to Jessie's Outdoorsman for all of your hunting and fishing needs, particularly as we near the fall hunting season.
Remember - we will beat nearly any Fuddpuckers price.

2003-09-26T18:28:00.000-05:00

ANNOUNCEMENT

This is to let you know about a cooperative effort by the IT, Exercise & Sports and Nutrition Departments.

The Exercise and Nutrition depts., will be offering weight loss classes and advice, to all interested faculty. This was necessitated by the IT dept. deciding that it would no longer issue laptop computers to those faculty without discernable laps.

2003-09-26T16:36:00.000-05:00

Meeting Announcement

To One of the Editors:

Since I do not know how to post to the on-line paper and since I have not been confirmed in the position of Dean of the School of Business and Several Other Things, could you make this announcement for me?
The Student Accounting Club will have remedial counting practice next Monday, in room 102 of Enron [soon to be renamed] Hall. This event is strictly BYOB. That is being your own beans.
Thanks

J. Smith, Acting Dean
School of Business and Several Other Things
Weevil State University

[The editorial staff regret to inform you that as this notice was received after 4:30 p.m. Central Time, it cannot be posted. You are requested to send all such notices prior to 4:30 p.m. Central Time to allow sufficient time to insert them into THE PROBOSCIS before Campus Police secure the office for the evening. We hope you understand, and ask your patience. We will post this notice as soon as is practicable. Ed.]

2003-09-26T15:23:00.000-05:00

Ben Affleck Buys Truck in Ga.

HINESVILLE, Ga. - For car salesman Greg Stanley, it started as a call like many other calls he gets at work: A man asking for a Dodge Ram pickup truck, with four-wheel drive.

OK, sure. We've got some on the lot. Name please?

"Ben Affleck."

Yeah, right. "And my name is George Bush," Stanley thought to himself Thursday.

He bit his tongue and treated the customer with respect, though. His colleagues had played practical jokes before, but Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, who recently postponed their plans to marry, own a home on nearby Hampton Island and they were in the area.

The man on the other end of the phone said he'd be in later that day to take a look at the vehicle.

Sure enough, Affleck AND Lopez showed up in a black Range Rover, followed by a small army of photographers: "I thought to myself, 'Both of them. Wow,'" Stanley told the Savannah Morning News for Friday's editions. [...]

This Report Sponsored by Bill Ruitermann Chrysler-Jeep-Dodge Kia Honda, who has a great selection of new 2003 and 2004 fully loaded Dodge Ram Trucks, including the exciting new SRT-10.

Bill Ruitermann Chrysler-Jeep-Dodge Kia Honda is conveniently located on the Bypass across from Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hyundai Suzuki.

Service Department open on Saturdays from 9-noon.

2003-09-26T13:51:00.000-05:00

DOOFUS Meeting Notes (9/26/03):
[Dept. Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs]

After a brief prayer, we welcomed Prof. Felicity into our group. A motion was made and passed to wave the uniform requirements for her, since she has done a much better job at keeping in shape than the rest of us OF's.

- Chads vs. fill-in-the-dot(FITD): staff overwhelmingly voted for FITD, since successfully completing a ballot by FITD better matches the mental capabilities of the typical voter. Besides, it's not fair that some guy named Chad should be left hanging.

- No other decent TV stations besides TVLand and History Channel were found, except Billy Ray voting for "SpongeBob Squarepants". We reminded him (again) that that is a show and not a station. He said "Oh yeah" and then kept in the corner quietly singing the SpongeBob theme song to himself.

- It was agreed and unanimously passed that "Bennifer" was some crazy plot to sell movie tickets.

- The "yuan float or not" issue was assigned to the Monetary Subcommittee. Someone who muttered "why should we even care about those god-forsaken commies" was quickly shouted down, since without China we would not have a Wal-Mart, then where would we be?

Prayer concerns included folks recovering from Hurricane Isabel, the school shooting in Minnesota and for Pres. Bush doing something about that worthless UN. Meeting was adjourned and Jessie handed out some extra coupons he had for the Biscuit Shack.

2003-09-26T13:33:00.000-05:00

Dear Editor,

I must protest your vain attempt to make me look stupid. Who needs you anyway? The Fuddpucker Slogan is" We Treat you So Many Ways, You Bound to Like Some", not what you published.

Sincerely,

Leroy Fuddpucker
Class of 2003

[The staff and faculty advisors of THE PROBOSCIS make every effort to reprint material used as advertisments in exactly the same manner in which it is presented to us. Material which arrives in an electronic format is reprinted verbatim. In Mr. Fuddpucker's case, as is the case with his father and mother, his brothers, his sisters, his uncles and aunts, and the remainder of the extended Fuddpucker family, we have tried in vain for over thirty years while publishing our paper version to reach an accomodation regarding their rather interesting use of English. We have asked for on numerous occasions camera-ready copy to be proofed and approved by the family, only to have complaints arise after publication.

The staff of THE PROBOSCIS value our readers and our advertisers, but there is only so much we can do to correct problems of this nature. While not wishing to turn down any source of revenue for our paper, nor offend a major donor to the University, we would be happy to recommend other publications which might do a better job of satisfying your rather demanding tastes, Mr. Fuddpucker, et al., such as The Fayette Observer-Herald, the Lubbub Mascot, The Pickens County Age-Excelsior, or The Tombigbee Dime. Ed.]

2003-09-26T12:58:00.000-05:00

Football Action

The Weevil State University Fightin' Weevils will be taking on the Monks of Minot [North Dakota] Jesuit Seminary on Saturday at Weevil Field. Kickoff is scheduled for 11:30 a.m.

Coach Bull Winston says he has been pleased with practices this week, "I have been pleased," he said. Offensive Coordinator Red Winston will be using a variation of the single wing which was used during the first game of the season against Moore's Bridge Barber College to such devastating effect. "I figure if we can score some points, and the other side don't, we should be okay," said Coach [Red] Winston.

Quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson has been working hard all week on fumble recoveries and throwing the ball. Quarterbacks Coach Sonny Winston says, "Yeah, he can throw it a real long ways, and we haven't done no whole lot of throwing this year, since his hands is so little and all. But we're going to throw it some Saturday."

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad will continue to build on their past success in the game against the Central North Community College Peccaries this past weekend. "I got one of them boys to show me that Madden Football game, and there's really some good stuff in there," he said. "I think we might do some of that blitzing and we might not. It's still up in the air." He did note that the Monks do seem to have trouble breaking huddle, and their quarterback has been flagged countless times for delay of game while standing under center. "I don't know why that might be," said Coach [Hick] Winston, "but it might be something we can capitalize on. Or not."

Nose guard Lucius Roosevelt, a junior majoring in Hotel and Motel Artwork Acquisition from Luverne, Alabama, is excited about hosting the Monks. "I am very excited," he said.

Special Teams coach Rory Winston is pleased with the kicking game. "I am real pleased with the kicking game," he said. "We are averaging about 30 yards per punt, which I think is pretty good." Freshman punter Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta from the Czech Republic has been mastering both a new language and a new skill, coming as he does, from a background in quoits. "Is hard, no? I no understand and wish going home now."

Weevil State University is currently third place in the Great South USA American South Conference, and will play Miskatonic University next week in Arkham, Massachusetts. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are again home against Bay Minette A&M.

2003-09-26T12:18:00.000-05:00

A note from the Marching Weevils drum major:

Members of the Marching Weevils band will be performing at the Weevil Walk in Fuddpucker's Square on Saturday, to rally support for the football team. Everyone turn out to cheer on the Weevils!

2003-09-26T11:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Editor,

Auburn has its Toomer's Corner and WSU has it Fuddpucker's Square which makes us at least twiced as good as Auburn or would that be four times as good but then there was that unfortunate incident with the Fuddpucker Construction Company bulldozer which made a street across the center of the square where the statue of my esteemed ancestor General Roy Lee Fuddpucker, CSA, used to stand so maybe we are eight times as good since the Square now has eight corners if you count those at either end of Roy Lee Fuddpucker Memorial Drive.

Just wanted to remind the all WSU students of our heritage and mention that all the Fuddpucker businesses on the Square are having sales this weekend including Fuddpucker's Tattoo, Piercing and Small Engine Repair which is offering 20% off to our WSU family. Come on down and let Clovis show you how it is done.

"We Treat You So Many Way, You Bound to Like Some"

Sincerely,

Leroy Fuddpucker
Class of 2009

[Editor Note: Mr. Fuddpucker, we have chosen to run this letter, but be advised that staff consider it to be more in the vein of paid advertisment. You will be invoiced at the regular rate.]

2003-09-26T10:27:00.000-05:00

PAID ADVERTISEMENT

Fuddpucker's Gifts, #1 North Square, has received a shipment of brass weevils which we are offering at $50 each. With your WSU 10% discount, the price is $47.50.

2003-09-26T10:21:00.000-05:00

ANNOUNCEMENTS

There will be a pep rally at the stadium this afternoon at 3 o'clock.

The Army ROTC Pershing Rifles Drill Team will be performing a precision drill with fixed bayonets during the pep rally.

For the football players, the stadium is the big house with the nice, big bathrooms where you go on Saturdays.

Cards and flowers may be sent to ROTC Cadet Corporal Eddie Jones in room 202 at County Hospital. He is recovering good from that bayonet wound.

Coach Bull Winston want to thank all WSU students for supporting the team, but says he thinks that "nyah, nyah, nyah, so long song" is supposed to be sung when the Weevils are winning.

The director of auxillary services says that all dorms and cafeterias will close this afternoon at 4:00 because of a water outage. They are expected to reopen October 1. He hopes this is not an inconvenience for anyone.

2003-09-26T08:33:00.000-05:00

Our Anniversary

Hard as it may be to believe, it has now been fully one entire week since the online version of our campus newspaper has gone "on line" (to use the lingo of the "Information Superhighway").

Some believed it would not last--that no venture of this sort would ever succeed. The staff are to be commended on throwing that bit of naysaying into the dustbin.

Many said that such a bold move would damage the fine reputation of the beloved paper version of Weevil State's weekly, but the staff believes with it collective heart that such is not the case, and that this version continues to uphold the high quality and hard hitting journalism that has always graced the august gray pages of its paper brother.

One of the benefits of publishing a daily online journal of this type, a format called a "BLOG" (Internet slang for "web log") is that it allows the staff to more closely follow campus events--we are able to press our fingers to the pulsing jugular of Weevil State University and instantaneously determine its heart rate and health, and interact as never before to create dynamic synergies and stories which resonate.

Another benefit over the paper, weekly version is that THE PROBOSCIS is now "interactive", in that readers may comment on stories and ask questions that may be pertinent to others. This has allowed an entirely new level of dynamism and inclusiveness and diversity, along with other synergies, which have not yet even begun to be explored in full.

Where will this all lead?

We do not know, but the staff is certain that if we continue to shine the light, the people will find their way.

In conclusion, we wish to thank all of our readers and the Journalism Department of Weevil State University for making this all possible.

2003-09-26T07:24:00.000-05:00

Sunday Service
Services at the Weevil Student Chapel (located in the basement of De Soto Hall) begin at 10 am with a time of fellowship. Church coffee and Little Debbies will be served. Worship service starts at 11 am. Pastor Raster will continue his series in Prosperity with the topic of "God Wants to Bless You Real Good".

2003-09-25T16:21:00.000-05:00

Weevil State Film Series

University Services will be presenting the weekly midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" Friday night at 8:30 p.m. and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" Saturday at 7:45 p.m. Student admission is $1, faculty and staff admission is $2.50. Student I.D. required.

Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reminds all patrons that due to security concerns, the wearing of any mask, head covering, or helmet which obscures any portion of the face or head above the lower jawline is prohibited.

2003-09-25T15:29:00.000-05:00

First Official Google Hit for THE PROBOSCIS!!

According to our software, at 9:21:37 September 25, THE PROBOSCIS received its first non-staff related Google hit.

A visitor using the German-interface version of Google typed in malted beverage -beer -ale hick*, and visited THE PROBOSCIS as a result!

To add to the excitement at the editorial offices, THE PROBOSCIS was the only returned search result--a Googlewhack the first time out!!

The staff is to be congratulated for their fine work, and for this momentous accolade. We also wish to say Merci to our good German visitor for visiting the finest online campus newpaper in the world.

(Which, it might be added, looks really cool in German!)

2003-09-25T13:58:00.000-05:00

Professor Yorkie announces new course assignment

Students enrolled in Professor Yorkie's Advanced Placement poetry course are instructed to go to this site, pick any poem featured, and write an essay, in 500 words or less, explaining how it made you feel. Extra credit for the credible use of words like "coherence," "tension," and "modalities." Points deducted for the use of words like "dynamic," "paradigm," and "sensibility." All essays are due no later than September 30; grades will be posted on the bulletin board in the Sylvia Plath Student Recreational Center within one week.

2003-09-25T12:56:00.000-05:00

Faculty Retreat

Dean First has requested that all those faculty who will be attending the Faculty Retreat please contact him at first opportunity to discuss transportation to Biloxi. In addition, he requests that anyone who has not sent in his or her money please do so as soon as possible in order to reserve the block of rooms at the PlayerAdvantage room rate and obtain discount chips.

The Provost's Office reminds all faculty that no University funds may be used for purchasing casino chips, alcoholic beverages, escort service, or lap dances without prior approval from the Office of the Comptroller. The $3,000 per diem does not cover tips or vending machine items.

Contact Dean First at ext. 29 to confirm your seat.

2003-09-25T10:54:00.000-05:00

Paid Advertisement

Fuddpucker's Used Books and Bait Shop is pleased to announce that we have received a shipment of nearly new .30 caliber Enfield Rifles which we are offering at $150.00 each to WSU students, staff and faculty.

This week, we are also offering a special on barely used note paper.

Fuddpucker's Used Books and Bait Shop on the Square for your shopping convenience.

Remember Fuddpucker's Shooting Range and Tackle Store on Boozer Road after you get your rifle.

Brought to you by Fuddpucker's Drug and Pawn, 1 South Square. Home of the Original Fuddpucker's Shake.

2003-09-25T09:13:00.000-05:00

Programming Note

Weevil State University’s WEEV Radio is pleased to announce the addition of DJ Ho-dawgZ to its afternoon lineup, hosting “The Ernest Tubb Bluegrass Hour” weekdays from 2:14 p.m. to 4:54 p.m.

Also, the station is seeking any interested students wishing to host the “Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hyundai Suzuki Fishing Music Show”, airing weeknights from 10:03 p.m. to 11:15 p.m. Interested students will be allowed the use of a 2000 Hyundai Excel while on campus. Contact WEEV at ext. 9338 (WEEV).

2003-09-25T09:12:00.000-05:00

Event Announcement

The Campus Committee To End World Hunger Strikes will be sponsoring an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Steer Inn at Exit 1 on the Northern Bypass. Tickets are $25 and may be purchased by calling Committee chair Fred Pleaner in Dorm D at ext. 2312.

Proceeds from the event will be used to combat hunger strikes in all parts of the world.

2003-09-25T08:39:00.000-05:00

DOOFUS Meeting Announcement:
[Dept. Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs]

All current and potential staff members are urged to attend a meeting at Skeeters Fillin' Station (corner of Oak and Sixth) at 10 am Friday. [NOTE: Skeeter says he ain't extendin' credit to nobody, none, so if you want a cold drank you gotta pay for your RC Cola before you open it.] You may want to bring a chair, see'n as how there's only two chairs and a small drum to sit on. Or you can just stand if you like.

After a brief administrative rundown (nah, that don't mean you Chancellor Terry!) the following topics will be discussed and assigned to subcommittees:
1. Chads vs. fill-in-the-dot
2. What other decent TV stations are there besides TVLand and History Channel?
3. Bennifer - what the heck is that?
4. Let the yuan float or not

Lunch will be at the Biscuit Shack, unless someone has a better idea.

Please refer any questions to Dean Spud - 555-1212

2003-09-24T16:01:00.000-05:00

It has been brought to the editorial staff's attention that we were not real clear about Leroy Fuddpucker. Leroy is a student at WSU who says he will graduate in 2009. Apparently some folks got the idea that Leroy is a Professor here who graduated in 1909. Sorry about the Y2K problem.

ED.

2003-09-24T15:10:00.000-05:00

From the Marketing Staff

Since going online on Friday, the staff of THE PROBOSCIS are pleased to see that we have had visitors from across this great earth of ours. From our special counting software, we see that we have had 2 visitors each from Australia, South Africa, and Canada, as well as 1 apiece from the Netherlands and New Zealand.

We would like to take this opportunity to apologize to these readers.

Alternately, if you were not offended, we would like to mention the special Weevil State University Distance Learning Institute, whereby all you foreign types may earn degrees in such exciting fields as Advanced Sitting, Embroidery, Mechanical Engineering, Applied Nuclear Power, and Ornamental Lawn Trimming.

Please contact the WSUDLI office at extension 1239 for a full course catalog. (No collect calls, please.)

2003-09-24T14:46:00.000-05:00

From the Office of the Chancellor

The Chancellor's Office has received the following proposed addition to the organization of Weevil State University. In accordance with the established bylaws and charter of Weevil State, this notice has been acknowledged by the Chancellor, and will be forwarded to the Board of Regents for action.

As is also required by Title XLVII, Subparagraph 8(c)1, this proposed change is being published in "an approved campus-wide publication" as well as on THE PROBOSCIS, to allow public comment and input before the Board of Regents acts on this matter, to whit:

Office of the Chancellor
Suite 213 Old Main
Weevil State University
39761 East South Boulevard
Weevil Station, AL

September 24, 2003

Dear Mr. Chancellor:

It is with great excitement and anticipation that I would like to propose the following for inclusion in the Weevil State University system:
Department Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs (DOOFUS) - Preserving tradition and dishing out scowls [The department will be devoted to establishing the best community standards and social institutions, determining how new-fangled ways have gotten us into the trouble that we're in, and advocating old-fashioned common sense solutions.]

Qualifications for staff position:

1. Uniform: pants over belly, faded flannel shirt, white socks and beat-up brogans. Suspenders optional.

2. Can still remember - changing the channel/volume by walking to the TV and turning a dial, properly handling a vinyl LP, not having to worry about kids looking at a magazine rack, listening to AM radio for popular music.

3. Know the difference between Bear and Lane Bryant.

4. Consider M&M still a candy and not rap-noise.

5. Possess underwear old enough to be well into teenage years.

6. Eating out means not standing in line or spending more than $6 on overcooked vegetables, done and back home by 5 pm for 2 hours of news.

7. Support the movement in eliminating formulaic classic rock stations.

8. Recite the words to the "Bonanza" theme song.

9. Give a consistent groan/grunt when getting up from a chair.
Please accept my application for WSU - DOOFUS Chief Curmudgeon. Besides meeting the above list, the following sums up my qualifications:

- Diego de Velazquez was a Spanish conquistador (second voyage by Columbus) and the first governor of Cuba in 1520 (De Soto the dashing young conquistador was made governor of Cuba by Emperor Charles V after DdV), and a different Diego Velazquez was the royal court painter for Spain in the mid 17th century

- De Soto traveled through North Carolina before heading to Alabama

- Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition!

- Diligently training in DOOFUS for over a decade, accredited by many fine institutions

+-+-+

I realize that Chief Curmudgeon is a tempting position, but as Chancellor you have your hands full administering campus services. I'm trying to get my name in and approved before others hear of this plum assignment.

As for Prof. Fuddpucker [sic], you can probably give him one of those "emeritus" titles. My salary and housing demands will be slight, depending on the
loose change in your pocket from the monument sales.

Yours ever so humbly,
Sr. Marc Velazquez WSU '56

The Chancellor's Office has issued a Memorandum of Recommendation to the Board of Regents asking that the DOOFUS Department be added to the University, as well as the addition of Senor Velazquez as Department Overlord and Chief Curmudgeon.

All interested parties are urged to submit their comments to the Office of the Chancellor prior to 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday, September 23, 2003.

2003-09-24T11:48:00.000-05:00

Recently, we have received a couple of letters from Leroy Fuddpucker, Class of '09 (yeah, right). For you frosh who have not met Leroy, he has been a fixture here since about 1960. You may mistake him for one of the more far-out Professors, but that would be an error and you could be seriously led astray. Leroy knows where everything on Campus is except the classrooms. It is rumored that he has an in on the best prices on beer and Moonpies so be sure to stay away from him.

The Editor

2003-09-24T11:33:00.000-05:00

From the Editor

The Editors of the Proboscis wish to apologize to their readers for the unintentional inclusion of actual information of an informative and/or educational nature. The article on the 9th Circuit, submitted by Professor Yorkie, was unapproved and slipped past our editorial staff. (We understand that Yorkies are sneaky that way.) We recognize that the mission of The Proboscis has nothing whatsoever to do with the 9th Circuit, or with providing actual information of a useful sort, and we apologize to our readers for any inconvenience this may have caused.

2003-09-24T11:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Editor,

That post on the courts in California or wherever was informative.

Cut it out!

If I wanted to learn anything, I would attend class now and then.

Sincerely,

Leroy Fuddpucker
Class of '09

P.S.: Can you post directions to the classrooms just in case I take the notion?

2003-09-24T11:15:00.000-05:00

Reversals

James Joyner links to some very interesting information about the 9th Circuit, including the following:

[...] [O]n the whole, the 9th Circuit's rulings accounted for more reversals this past term than all the state courts across the country combined and represented nearly half of the overturned judgments (45%) of the federal appellate courts. [emphasis mine]

Yup. The most reversed court in the land.

I seem to recall hearing Ted Kennedy -- perhaps during the Ashcroft confirmation hearings -- holler about the importance of American "mainstream" thinking, and how anyone outside that "mainstream" was on the fringe of American life. More and more, we are seeing that the American people can't be lumped into convenient little boxes, and what some folks consider "mainstream" others consider off the wall. It is unprecedented for a court to order the cancellation or postponment of an election -- an election that technically had already started, because of the thousands of absentee ballots already mailed in -- on the basis that some voters might be disenfranchised. It would be a whole other matter if the suit had been brought after the election on the basis that some voters had in fact been disenfranchised.

We have a judicial system that is becoming more and more politically active:

[...] These continuing negative trends are certainly not reflective of the competency of the 9th Circuit's entire bench, which includes some of the most respected appellate judges in the country. It is, however, indicative of a judicial philosophy to which some 9th Circuit judges adhere. Specifically, in pursuing political and policy preferences at the expense of established precedent and textual commands, some 9th Circuit judges seem to invite review and reversal by the U.S. Supreme Court. [...] [emphasis mine]

I think we are in danger of ceding unthinkable political power to our judicial system, a kind of power that the Framers never intended. I am not smart enough to know what the answer is. Anyone out there care to weigh in and educate me?

2003-09-24T10:47:00.000-05:00

Informational Notice

Due to several anonymous notes placed in Professor Bear's Faculty mailbox, she will answer what appears to be a burning [well, smoldering] question. What, precisely, is ESLS?

ESLS stands for English as a Second Language for Southerners.

Most people here at the great Weevil State University speak what we, in the Languages Department, refer to, quaintly, as a mild variant patois of English. However, those not of our heritage still insist that our speech patterns, usage, and vocabulary are only remotely related to "The Queen's English", which concept is both repugnant and defamatory. Nevertheless, since our goal at WSU is to welcome all to our midst, indoctrinating them gently to our ways, ESLS is our way of accommodating them by speaking in their tongue: bilingual education, as it were.

We do hope this clears up any misunderstandings, total lack of comprehension, or other kinds of confusion.