The Proboscis
Thursday, August 12, 2004

To better facilitate student move-in to the Quad residence halls for our new first-year residents and their parents tomorrow, Aug. 13, Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reports that two temporary traffic and parking changes will be in effect.

Quad Drive will be closed tomorrow to all vehicles except new residents physically unloading and moving in. No vehicles will be permitted to enter Quad Drive after 4:42 p.m. this afternoon. Also, Laxtahatchilogolola Street between Theodore Roosevelt Drive and Cow Avenue will be one-way only north bound from 7:31 a.m. to 5:11 p.m., tomorrow. Access to that section of Laxtahatchilogolola Street will be limited exclusively to the vehicles of the new Quad residents physically moving in, and who have properly filled out a New Student Move In Permit Application and have been approved and received the proper windshield and bumper tags. On-street parking on Laxtahatchilogolola Street will not be excused after noon today through Friday morning, August 13, at 8:53 a.m., except for motorcycles and for Nuclear Science department vehicles. All other vehicles doing so will be subject to immediate ticketing and towing. Chief Randolph notes that impound fees are now $500. On Friday, recommended access to the Library is through the Parking Deck and the Library's south entrance, except for incoming students, who may use the third level access from the Parking Deck.
  Schedule Adjustment

Dr. Junior Winston, assistant head vice director of the Directorate of Sports Information, has announced that the first game of the season against Moore's Bridge Barber College, originally scheduled for Saturday, August 14, has been rescheduled to Saturday, October 30. Dr. Winston states that this change was due to the unforeseen circumstance of a recent National Guard call-up of tonsorial specialists. The 1178th Scalp Maintenance Detachment headquartered in Pickens County includes all 40 members of the Moore's Bridge football team, making it difficult for them to show up for a game. The detachment is not expected to be sent overseas, and should be released from standby in time to play on the rescheduled date. 
Monday, August 09, 2004
  WSU Scientists to Help Local Farmers

In an exciting development, the Poultry Science Department of Weevil State University has announced a new break-through in edible avians.

Dr. Hutter Bleen spoke to the staff of THE PROBOSCIS at the departmental open house this past weekend, and revealed what he called “a startling advancement that is sure to be well-received by local poultry farmers.”

Dr. Bleen’s innovation is a new breed of hummingbird that combines the unique hummingbird flavor in a more marketable size. “You know,” said Dr. Bleen, “while we all love the taste of hummingbird, often they are so small that you have eaten six or a dozen even before you’ve even realized it.”

Asked about the process, Dr. Bleen was typically cagey about the details, “I cannot tell you everything, but we have managed through the judicious use of science--real science--to do something with the genetics of the hummingbird so that they can grow to the size of a crow.”

Dr. Bleen was queried as to the impact such tampering with God’s will had on the flavor of the birds. “Oh, no impact at all,” said Dr. Bleen, “they still taste just like chicken. Except sweeter. Sort of like the lemon chicken from Jade Dragon. But mostly like chicken.”

Finally, Dr. Bleen was asked about the eponymous nature of the hummingbird’s name, and if, in fact, the birds still hummed. “Oh, yes, of course they do. Of course, the tone is deeper since the wings are larger, something like a large box fan set on high. What’s going to be even better is when we are able to work in some mynah bird to the mix, so that they can talk when they are tired of humming.”

Junior Wilburn, local hummingbird farmer, was asked his opinion of the promise of these supersized birds. “I reckon it’s okay,” he said. “I’d have to taste one first to know if it’s worth building bigger hummingbird sheds for. Right now, they only take up a little spot over by the branch. But I reckon it’s okay. I just hope they don’t do away with the hummingbird subsidy.”

Roy J. Leroy, local undersecretary to the assistant chief supervisor of the Local Initiatives in Avian Research branch of the Division of Poultry Marketing in the Department of Agriculture could not be reached for comment. 
  Meeting Announcement

The Tri-County Area League of Undecided Voters will be conducting a voter education seminar or a mock presidential debate on Wednesday, August 18 at 2:30 p.m. to 3:45 p.m., or on Saturday, August 28 at 8:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. The meeting will be held at the National Guard Armory on West North Boulevard, or in the Ted McGinley Auditorium on campus. For more information, please contact Mrs. Willadean Necker, sergeant-at-arms of the League, or Dr. Roger Sore, treasurer.
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Daily Mountain Eagle
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The Greenville Advocate
Sumter County Record-Journal

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