The Proboscis
Thursday, August 05, 2004
  GSUSAASC Media Day Report

WEEVIL STATION, AL -- Weevil State University’s Bull Winston was the first head coach to meet with the media today at the Great South USA American South Football Media Days, held at the Steer Inn Conference Center on the Bypass. His opening remarks were interesting.

“We are going to play us some football this year,” said Winston.

Coming off a rather disappointing season last year in which Weevil State attained a overall record of 4-5 and a third place finish in the Conference, with an especially galling loss to the all-female Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, those are mighty big words.

“And them ain’t just big words,” said Winston.

Winston was asked about the divisiveness that was caused during the season by the revelation of the infamous plane trip by several school officials to Bon Secour to woo South Baldwin Technical School’s Ribby Penderlos for the head coaching job, a trip that became public knowledge and a public embarrassment.

“I have no comment about that now, seeing as how them trustees, may they rest in peace, are no longer with the University. It just wouldn’t be right to talk about how they all backstabbed on me like that. You should let people rest in peace after they are gone to their reward, because it works an awful hardship on their families when you remind them that their loved ones are being roasted alive by Satan hisself,” said Winston.

Coach Winston said he plans to do things differently this year in his hunt for a title. “I am going to do things different,” Winston was quoted as saying.

High on the list is the offense, which Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says, “has got to come out of the blocks; we don't have the luxury of leaning on the defense.” This statement was quickly agreed to by Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston. “I heard that,” said Coach [Hick] Winston.

Senior quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson has seen his star rapidly fall this year, being usurped in spring drills by sophomore John Walking Tree of Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada. [Red] Winston, noting that Tree had played Canadian ball before coming south, was initially skeptical of his abilities. “I was initially skepeptible of his abilities,” said Coach [Red] Winston, “but he seems alright I reckon.”

Tree and running backs Louder Macaphee and Ronnie Joe Wickie are back but the defense lost five of its top seven players up front. “I ain’t too worried,” [Hick] Winston said, “because we got us a secret weapon.”

Asked what this secret weapon is, Coach [Hick] Winston winked and motioned to a frightened-looking bunch of bearded young men in the corner of the spacious Weevil Room of the Steer Inn. “See them boys yonder? Well, we got us a call from the Defense Department--seems they had some extra fellows they found over somewhere in the Middle East or somewheres and they say they had all kinds of football experience. I think they mean soccer football, but whatever, because I tell you what, when you yell at them to move, they move! They seem to be real skittish when we get in a huddle, though.”

Head Coach Bull Winston continued on, “we're on the hot seat every year; last year we was picked to win it, but obviously, we was a little overrated. I do feel like we can compete now with anybody we play, irregardless of who that is or what sort of politics might be going on behind my back.”

[Bull] Winston said the troubles of the past year, including the incident when the team was discovered patronizing a strip joint in an ill-fated bus trip to Miskatonic University, have served as a “learning experience” for everyone involved.

“I feel more confident than I have in thirty-six years at Weevil State,” Winston said of his standing. While refusing to express his dismay with the plane trip and its aftermath, [Bull] Winston said the reason he felt no deep seated hatred or grudge was because the players believed in him and the “true Weevil fans” voiced their continued support for him. A tear glistened in his eye as he mentioned the dozens of students who would come to him after the revelation of the escapade and say he was doing a good job. “It always makes me just a little misty-eyed.” Winston excused himself and turned away to wipe his eyes and take a drink from his hip flask. “Them is just a fine bunch of students.”

FRESHMAN NEWS: Coach [Bull] Winston said a number of true freshmen are expected to play, including defensive tackle Truo Duc Pham (General Business) of Fort Lauderdale, FL, wingback Hucky Reedernol (General Business) of Pine Mountain, AL, and free safety Ricky Shawn Bobblenob (General Business) of East Point, GA, whom coach [Hick] Winston said was “one of the best young defensive secondary players named Ricky that I've ever seen come out of East Point within the last three to four weeks.”

The Weevil State University Football Coaching Staff Roster includes:

Head Coach: Bull Winston
Offensive Coordinator: Red Winston
Defensive Coordinator: Hick Winston
Special Teams Coach: Rory Winston
Quarterbacks Coach: Sonny Winston
Halfbacks Coach: Needer Winston
Pressbox Coach: Nock Winston
Head Trainer: Luther Winston
Assistant Head Trainer: Buddy Winston

2004-2005 Season Schedule (Conference games marked with *; Away games marked with ~; Homecoming marked with +)

*~Moore’s Bridge Barber College--August 14
*Bay Minette A&M--August 21
~Western Colorado Benedictine Seminary--August 28
~Hollis Crossroads Vocational University--September 4
OPEN--September 11
+Tri-County Metro Firefighter’s School--September 18
*Central North Community College--September 25
OPEN--October 2
*~Northwest Autauga Normal Institute--October 9
Noxubee River College--October 16
*De Funiak Springs Mechanical University--October 23

GSUSAASC Conference Championships--November 13-20

Media Day was sponsored in part by Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hyundai Suzuki, "Where you go to drive away in a car!"; Fuddpucker's Floor Coverings and Tile and Carpet and Rugs; and by The Steer Inn, "When you're hungry for a steak and you're on the road, just Steer Inn!" Richly-appointed Convention Center rooms available for parties of 6 to 25 persons. 
  Crime Report

--At 7:30 pm Monday evening, Central Dispatch received a call from Dorm D reporting the presence of a suspicious package at the dumpster. Officer Xiau was dispatched and reported finding an empty cigarette carton on the ground. No suspects were found.

--Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reminds all returning students that the area around Old Main is off limits to vehicular traffic, except for those students with a Type L Traffic Congestion Mitigation Pass, and all staff of Old Main with the proper yellow hangtag. Staff with blue hangtags are not to use the south entrance except on Thursday. New students must immediately register vehicles upon entrance to campus. A temporary transit permit may be obtained at the gate to allow new students to travel to the Central Parking Office to apply for a parking decal or Transportation Voucher. Applications take 3-5 weeks for processing, during which time new students will be issued a Temporary Vehicular Operation Permit, which must be displayed at all times when on campus, except for those students granted a Religious Emblems Waiver by the Ecclesiastical Council Office. All other traffic rules will be enforced.

--A ladies size twelve tan open-toed high-heeled shoe was found in the gymnasium. 
  For Sale

1979 Chevrolet Chevette--2dr, lite blue w/ tan vinyl int, 4 cyl, auto, ac. Fully restored to factory mint condition, no expense spared--over $40k invested. Must sell, will sacrifice for only $32K.

Contact Keiler Mortglandson, Ext. 2-908. Can be seen at Willard Scott Dorm. 
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Other College Newspapers
The Auburn Plainsman
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Crimson White
The Flor-Ala
The Tropolitan
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Other Newspapers of Interest
Pickens County Herald
Cape Gazette
The Times, London
The Wall Street Journal
Daily Mountain Eagle
Washington Post
The Greenville Advocate
Sumter County Record-Journal

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