The Proboscis
Monday, August 09, 2004
  WSU Scientists to Help Local Farmers

In an exciting development, the Poultry Science Department of Weevil State University has announced a new break-through in edible avians.

Dr. Hutter Bleen spoke to the staff of THE PROBOSCIS at the departmental open house this past weekend, and revealed what he called “a startling advancement that is sure to be well-received by local poultry farmers.”

Dr. Bleen’s innovation is a new breed of hummingbird that combines the unique hummingbird flavor in a more marketable size. “You know,” said Dr. Bleen, “while we all love the taste of hummingbird, often they are so small that you have eaten six or a dozen even before you’ve even realized it.”

Asked about the process, Dr. Bleen was typically cagey about the details, “I cannot tell you everything, but we have managed through the judicious use of science--real science--to do something with the genetics of the hummingbird so that they can grow to the size of a crow.”

Dr. Bleen was queried as to the impact such tampering with God’s will had on the flavor of the birds. “Oh, no impact at all,” said Dr. Bleen, “they still taste just like chicken. Except sweeter. Sort of like the lemon chicken from Jade Dragon. But mostly like chicken.”

Finally, Dr. Bleen was asked about the eponymous nature of the hummingbird’s name, and if, in fact, the birds still hummed. “Oh, yes, of course they do. Of course, the tone is deeper since the wings are larger, something like a large box fan set on high. What’s going to be even better is when we are able to work in some mynah bird to the mix, so that they can talk when they are tired of humming.”

Junior Wilburn, local hummingbird farmer, was asked his opinion of the promise of these supersized birds. “I reckon it’s okay,” he said. “I’d have to taste one first to know if it’s worth building bigger hummingbird sheds for. Right now, they only take up a little spot over by the branch. But I reckon it’s okay. I just hope they don’t do away with the hummingbird subsidy.”

Roy J. Leroy, local undersecretary to the assistant chief supervisor of the Local Initiatives in Avian Research branch of the Division of Poultry Marketing in the Department of Agriculture could not be reached for comment. 
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