The Proboscis
Friday, October 31, 2003
  Melee on Campus

A brawl broke out last evening outside the Old Main Administration building involving faculty members who had gone out trick-or-treating.

According to Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, the incident began when one faculty member reached into the small plastic pumpkin-shaped bucket of another member and retrieved a piece of candy. After a flurry of cross words, blows were struck, and the ensuing fisticuffs soon involved at least forty faculty and staff members.

Dr. Phillip Sherdlownly, director of the Weevil State University Space Exploration and Small Engine Repair Program identified the original candy filcher as Professor Sheb Winston, of the Physical Appearances department. “I saw Professor Winston reach into Merlene’s [Dr. Merlene Flodimanner, Aquarium Science] little bucket and get out a Pixy Stik.

Professor Winston, when reached for comment, denied he had gotten anything out of Dr. Flodimanner’s bucket, “I don’t even LIKE Pixy Stix,” he said. “She’s the one who reached in and got a Fun Size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and threw it and hit me in the eye.”

Dr. Flodimanner strongly disputed Professor Winston’s version of events. “OH, he is such a creep. He had been following me around the whole time, wanting some of my Good & Plenties, but I told him to go away or I would report him for creating a hostile work environment.”

Dr. Flodimanner continued, “Well, we had just gotten back to Old Main when I could feel him beside me, running his hand all over my pumpkin. I looked around just in time to catch him with one of my Mounds in his hand, and so I turned around and yelled at him to stop, and he started acting like he hadn’t done anything, and well, things just got out of control.”

Indeed. Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph stated that the consequent affray caused approximately $59 worth of damage to the lawn and patio of Old Main, as well as attracted a large colony of ants to the spilled candy which littered the grounds.

Responding to a call to the Central Dispatch at 7:12 last evening, Chief “T.R.” Randolph and Officers Xing, Ranawatti, Gomez, Gomez, and Greszhnevdarzdekoievski were able to subdue the ruffians and place them in several Ford police vehicles, which were recently purchased from Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hundai Suzuki on the Bypass. Mr. Ruitermann said, “I am glad they are getting some use out of them, and if any of your readers are in the market, we just got a shipment of '01 Crown Victoria factory executive program cars, all clean and low miles, some still in warranty, in a variety of colors and options, starting at only $9,999.99!”

Adminstration officials were quick to condemn the clash, and have announced that the one-day suspension of the faculty dress code scheduled for tomorrow has been rescinded.

A Faculty Senate hearing over the matter will be convened as soon as enough members are out of the hospital to convene a meeting of the Faculty Senate. 
Thursday, October 30, 2003
  Announcement for Faculty

In conjunction with this evening's Faculty Trick or Treating, the Office of Faculty Programs, the Directorate of Personnel Direction, the Personnel Department, and the Provost’s Office have issued a one-day suspension of the Faculty Dress Code and encourage interested faculty members to dress in traditional Halloween costumes on Saturday, November 1.

Acceptable costumes are defined in the attached memorandum. 
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
  ANNOUNCEMENT

Faculty trick or treating will be Thursday, Halloween Eve from 6:00 PM until 7:00 PM. Faculty are requested to not T&T their own students to prevent any appearance of impropriety.

The Campus Police ask that faculty participating in T&T carry identification as they wish to prevent a reocurrance of the unfortunate billyclub incident of last year.

Students are asked to give the faculty a fair shot at the candy since we wish to cut down on the whining. 
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
  Dean MommaBear reminds all Faculty and Administration that the extra Intersession of ESLS will be presented in the new Library Conference Hall that was so graciously donated anonymously for accommodating everyone who has been informed they must take this course to remain employed at our fine institution. Apparently, according to sources at the Administration, that includes every member of those groups mentioned above.

We hope you will enjoy this course, as English is a very beautiful language when properly written and spoken.  
Monday, October 27, 2003
  Heartstopping, Breathtaking, But Not Fatal!!

Joy once again returned to the pine barrens and pasturelands this week, as our beloved Fightin’ Weevils fought a ferocious battle with the blood-sucking ‘Skeeters of Noxubee River College on Saturday. After concluding regular play with a 2-2 tie, the Skeeters and Weevils went after each other in a record-breaking 17 overtimes, leading to a final score of 74-71.

Noxubee River (2-6, 2-2 in conference play), known beforehand as a powerhouse in the six-school Big American 7-South US Conference, demonstrated great poise and determination, but they could not vanquish the proud Weevil State spirit.

Mrs. Eunice Flunnery, visiting campus to attend the game and to see her son Ty Snoodler (sophomore, Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) reported that the game was the most exciting one she had ever seen, “It was the most exciting game I have ever seen,” she said.

Coach Bull Winston, speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via a spokesman, pending outcome of particular legal matters against the paper, said he was incredibly pleased with the effort of his entire squad, “I am real pleased,” he said.

The regulation time game, which began as a furious struggle in the trenches as each team swapped offsetting safeties in the first and the third quarters of play, was a study in strategy and tactics, with neither team able to overcome the other.

Junior tailback Schwa Tilde (Retail Item Price Gun Operations major) reports that he was having trouble with the big Skeeter defense. “I would try to run, and they would knock me down,” he said.

Tilde had –15 yards in rushing offense, including the carry which resulted in the safety for the Skeeters, in which he was chased down and sacked 56 yards behind the line of scrimmage, having run through many defenders and at least two of his own offensive linemen to reach his own end zone.

One player who did seem to have a good day in spite of growing controversy was 398 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg. He was allowed to start for the Weevils and acquitted himself admirably, although not before having an emotional moment in the 4th overtime.

One of the players on the Noxubee River squad began taunting Smattersberg about his girlfriend, reputedly a fellow footballer by the name of Nelda Swoonish, noseguard for the Northwest Autauga Normal Institute. Play had to be stopped as Smattersberg complained about something being in his eye. He ran off-field to remove the offending matter with a tissue and compose himself, then returned to continue the showdown.

In his debut with the Fightin’ Weevils, taking over quarterback duties for injured starting quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson was redshirt freshman John Walking Tree. Tree used all of his experience and skill to move the Weevils both up and down the gridiron, although the crucial ability to score points was not evident until the 6th overtime, when one of his numerous perfectly thrown passes of the evening was actually caught by the receiver, senior wide receiver Lexus Calhoun.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says his initial wariness about putting Tree in the lineup was misplaced, especially by about the 8th overtime, “He done pretty okay, I reckon,” said [Red] Winston. “I think he’s still got too much Canadian football in him, though.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's Eleven paced themselves well throughout the struggle, and with the able assistance of Pressbox Coach Nock Winston, the ill-advised use of video gamesmanship gave way to a more traditional mechanism. Although Coach [Nock] Winston takes full credit for the defensive playcalling, Coach [Hick] Winston is convinced of the utility of the well-known electronic vibrating board to determine his play calling. “And you know what? With enough time, each week we can paint us up a mess of these little guys in the colors of the other teams we play, and it makes it even more realistic-like than that dumb old Madden game!”, said [Hick] Winston.

The game, which did not officially end until Daylight Savings Time ended, was truly one for the record books.

Weevil State University is now 4-3 in regular season play, and has also returned to third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. This week, the Fightin’ Weevils will be traveling to Northwest Florida to play De Funiak Springs Mechanical University. 
  Field Trip

The Activity Bus will be revved up, ready and rarin' to go and take students to the Coon Dog Cemetery at Tuscumbia on Friday, Oct. 31 (Halloween). The bus will leave from the front of De Soto Hall at 5 pm, and should return sometime after 10 pm. After a tour of the cemetery, the group will gather around a bonfire and hear the history of the cemetery from Ranger Billy Boyd. Ranger Boyd will also have a few native critters on-hand to pet and hold, including a black snake and an opossum. Afterwards, others will be encouraged to share their scary stories, ending with a special "spooky" guest telling the classic tale of BigPaw, the giant raccoon rumored to be lurking in the area.

Cost of the trip for students is $3, which includes a dinner of Brunswick stew, cornbread, dessert and iced tea (coffee and hot cocoa will be available after dinner around the bonfire). Sign up at the Information Desk in De Soto Hall. 
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