The Proboscis
Friday, October 24, 2003
  Intensified Practice Schedule Hoped to Help Fightin’ Weevils

After last week’s cruel gridiron loss to the ladies of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, Head Coach Bull Winston’s young pigskinners have been hard at work in their preparations for Saturday’s game versus the ‘Skeeters of Noxubee River College.

Noxubee River (2-5, 2-2 in conference play), a powerhouse in the six-school Big American 7-South US Conference, looks to be equally well-prepared for the contest, ready to vanquish their embarrassment of last season when the mighty Fightin’ Weevils smacked them down by a score of 4-3.

Rumors of several Weevil State players being close to placement on academic probation have turned out to be false. Coach Bull Winston, speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via a spokesman, pending outcome of particular legal matters against the paper, reports that ongoing discussions with the faculty of the Languge Arts Department have gone well. “Looks good,” said Coach.

In other matters, Coach Bull Winston and the rest of the coaching staff deny earlier reports that they were physically assaulted by 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg, allegedly for their having made jokes of the burly center for buckling down and actually studying. “We was not hurt,” said Coach Bull Winston. Reached at his home, Halfbacks Coach Needer Winston disputed that, saying, “We was hurt real good.”

Smattersberg had no comment on the matter, although he did seem to be emotionally drained by the experience, having gone through an entire box of Puffs facial tissues, which he used to blot away the tears from his face. “No comment,” he said. Asked about his supposed blossoming relationship with Northwest Autauga noseguard Nelda Swoonish, Smattersberg was more vocal, “That ain’t none of your business,” he said.

Not in dispute is the terrible loss of quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson due to a fiercesome tackle during last week’s shutout. His hands, usually rather small and, some might say, delicate, are still swollen and sore. Team trainer Luther Winston said he was not optimistic, “I am not optimiscit,” he said, “I think them little hands of his has done throwed their last ball.”

Stepping in to take over for Jackson is redshirt freshman John Walking Tree, an Applied Plastic Arts major from Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada. Tree, 195 pounds, 6 feet tall, with 4.1 speed in the 40, had played Canadian football all through grammar and high school.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says that he is wary about putting Tree in the lineup, but had no choice. “We had no choice,” he said. Asked why such a seemingly talented player had not received more attention, [Red] Winston said, “Well, he ain’t as experienced as all that. That Canadian ballgame is all different, what with that bigger field and all, and frankly we just didn’t think he could do the job. He does have regular-sized hand, though.” Winston noted that Tree seems not to have any problems either throwing the ball or running with it. “Well, this is just practice. We’ll see how he does out there in the big game.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's men on the receiving end of the ‘Skeeters’ powerful offense have also been picking up the pace this week. Coach [Hick] Winston reports that they are ready to play, “They are ready to play,” he said. “I have found out that that Madden Football game ain’t all that great for real, live ball games, but one of the fellows has one of them electric football games that buzzes and vibrates like, and you oughta seem them little boogers move around!” Asked if he thought such a device would be more useful than a handheld video game, Coach [Hick] Winston said, “Yes.”

Weevil State University is now 3-3 in regular season play, and dropped last week to fourth place in the Great South USA American South Conference. Next week, the Fightin’ Weevils will be traveling to northwest Florida to play De Funiak Springs Mechanical University.  
  Sunday Service
Services at the Weevil Student Chapel (located in the basement of De Soto Hall) begin at 10 am with a time of fellowship. Church coffee and Drakes cakes will be served. Worship service starts at 11 am. Pastor Raster will continue with his series in Evil Ways on the topic "Does Halloween Celebrate Evil?" After the services a meeting of Chi Alpha will be held to prepare for some special activities during the upcoming week. All members are strongly urged to attend. 
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
  The WSU campus has been quiet this week with the students being depressed by the loss by last weekend's by the football team, the big fire at Fuddpucker's Beverages before they opened for their "buy one, get the second free" sale on six packs and the fact that it is mid-terms. Coach "Bull" Winston has been seen wining and dining several professors from the Languge Arts Department giving rise to the rumor that several star Weevils are not doing well academically. With Quarterback D'Wontavious Jackson out with badly bruised hands, the Weevils' season looks doubtful even if we do not lose players to unreasonable academic demands.

Joe Lee Smattersberg has moved from the athletic dorm to Fuddpucker Hall. When asked if he was quitting the team, he said "No, I'm just tired from whuppin' upon them dummies who make fun when I study". At last report, most of the Coaches Winston are expected to be released from the Hospital in time for Saturday's game against Noxubee River (Mississippi) College
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
  Campus Crime Report

On the night of October 16, Campus Police Central Dispatch received a call at 9:15 from a campus visitor about an unidentified light in the sky. Officer Zhian was dispatched to the scene and reported that the light was gone. The light was described as white, about the size of a golf ball, and low on the eastern sky.

A resident of Dorm G reported to the manager that she heard voices outside her window. Officer Cho was dispatched at 4:32 pm and reported the presence of two persons sitting on the park bench outside of the resident's window, engaged in what the report describes as "conversation". The two suspects were detained and later released upon their own recognizance.

An animal, believed to be a bird or a dog, was reported by the Building and Grounds Sanitation staff to have been inside the Planetarium for a minimum of three minutes during the Saturday Spruce Up Day. No damage was reported.

Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reminds all students that the building of bonfires or the use of other open sources of combustion are strictly limited, and must not be carried on within the dormitories or other campus buildings without prior approval. 
  Exciting News for Campus Commuters

The Weevil State University Board of Regents, in cooperation with the TriCounty Transportation Consortium, the Town of Weevil Junction Parking Authority, the Alabama Light Rail User Network, and Pinetree Citizens for the Future are pleased to announce the beginning of a new era in wheeled transportation for our area with the introduction of a proposed light rail train system.

The system will serve all of the WSU campus, as well as several outlying commuter lots. The three-mile closed loop circulator will cost an estimated $450 million dollars, and greatly eliminate congestion during normal class times, as well as on game days.

The new system promises to combine the best aspects of the futuristic monorail which carries vacationing revelers in Disney World; the downtown trolley lines of places such as Portland, Oregon and San Francisco, California; the speed and convenience of subway travel; and the romance of live steam.

The new rail line will have a three-hundred foot section of underground tracks, 1.2 miles of structural steel elevated track (similar to the Chicago “Ell” trains featured on NBC’s hit show “ER”), an inclined portion similar to Lookout Mountain, a 600 foot tunnel (to be constructed above ground and detailed to look like a mountain on the exterior), a waterfall, and a station at George “Goober” Lindsey Refectory with the first Starbucks location within 50 miles. The cars will be pulled by a reproduction of a 1915 Baldwin 2-6-6-2 steam locomotive. The use of steam power will eliminate the necessity for overhead power lines.

Funding for the new commuter system will come from a variety of local source, including a $1,500 student vehicle surcharge, a 40 cent per gallon gasoline tax, an 83 mill property tax increase, a $100 increase in campus parking fees, a $212 grant from West Central State Citizens for Responsible Growth, as well as normal rider fares, which are estimated to range from $1 for senior citizens to $5 for students.

Several campus buildings will be razed to make room for the necessary infrastructure to support the rail system, but WSU Campus Architect Dudley Hall says this should not be a problem. “They are mostly old anyway,” he said. 
Monday, October 20, 2003
  Sadness and Despair

Despite having all the advantages of poise and skill, the mighty Fightin’ Weevils succumbed to the fearsome Pedagogues of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute by a score of 56-0.

Head Coach Bull Winston’s boys seem to have been totally caught off-guard by the women of Northwest Autauga, and Coach is not at all happy about the outcome. Still speaking to THE PROBOSCIS through an intermediary due to impending court action, Coach Winston said, “I feel real bad”.

The Teachers came at the Weevils with a modified run and gun offense and a mauling defensive squad that rolled up 58 sacks, including one late in the third quarter that might knock quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson out for the rest of the season. Coming hard and fast on a safety blitz, NwANI’s 115 pound free safety Monica Weelier, a senior in Early Childhood Education, slammed Jackson to the turf.

As he lay moaning in agony, the training staff went out to take a look. Trainer Luther Winston, himself hobbled by a recent buttocks injury, related that Jackson’s hands were caught between the ball and Miss Weelier. “It just boogered up his little hands something fierce,” said [Luther] Winston. “They need to do something about that girl; she’s too out of control to be playing this game.”

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston was equally put out with the style of play by the Autaugans. “They played real dirty, I think,” he is quoted as saying. “All that juking at the line of scrimmage, and all that bad language, and shoving our boys around like that…it just ain’t right for girls to act like that.”

[Red] Winston’s early game plan to have Jackson use a two-handed grip for throwing the football was quickly changed when it became apparent that the offensive line was having difficulty preventing penetration through the line. “I just told him to do whatever he could to stay away from ‘em.”

Off Coordinator Red Winston said he was very displeased with the play of 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg, “I am real displeased,” he said. “I think he might have gotten sweet on their noseguard (#56, 135 pound freshman Library Science major Nelda Swoonish) and that led him to make some real bad choices.” When asked what changes he might make this week, Coach [Red] Winston said, “I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure, I’m gonna run that big ol’ 32 ounce steak off’n him.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's squad, although initially looking forward to taking on the Pedagogues, allowed them to pile up over 700 yards in total offense—this was prior to Northwest Autauga Normal substituting their second string early in the second half. “I sure could have used my Madden Football game, but I don’t think even that would have helped too much. Them girls was tougher than iron pipe.”

Pressbox Coach Nock Winston was very upset with the play calling, “I am very upset,” he said. “I kept telling Daddy, I mean, Coach Bull that we was getting all eat up, but nobody would listen to me. He just kept a’throwing the headsets around, and they cost like $400 apiece.”

One bright spot for the Weevils was the installation of a new Jumbotron in Weevil Stadium.

Weevil State University falls to 3-3 in regular season play, and drops to fourth place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The Fightin’ Weevils will be taking on cross-state-line rivals Noxubee River (Mississippi) College of the Big American 7-South US Conference on October 25.  
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