The Proboscis
Friday, October 17, 2003
  Sports Talk

The air has turned crisp here in the scrub pine barrens somewhere south of Fayette, another perfect weekend for the Fightin’ Weevils to strut their football prowess.

Head Coach Bull Winston’s boys will be hosting the Pedagogues of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute this week, and despite continued turmoil within the athletic department over allegations of misogynistic misdeeds involving coarse Yankee magdalens, Coach has been hard at work all week with the squad.

Still speaking to THE PROBOSCIS through an intermediary due to impending court action, Coach Winston was upbeat and hopeful, and feeling good about this week’s work, “I feel good,” he is quoted as saying.

He also relays to us that he is heartened by the return of team trainer Luther Winston to the sideline after he was discharged from HealthSouth Central Southwest South TriCounty Regional Medical Clinic.

The wounds he received in his buttocks from his previous experience with a discharge (that being in the form of bird shot) appeared to this reporter to have begun healing nicely. [Luther] Winston must still make use of an inflatable cushion to sit properly, however, and has had difficulty finding anyone willing to gently blow on his wounds when they are doused with merthiolate. “That really does sting a whole heap,” he said.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston has been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson all week. “We come up with a way to get around them small hand of his,” said [Red] Winston. “We figure we’ll try letting him throw the ball some again, but this time we come up with a two-handed way of doing it so’s he can get more contact with the ball.” Coach [Red] Winston does allow that the stance and method of delivery do appear rather complicated. “Yeah, he looks kind of funny, but with them small hands and all…Anyway, it’s just a bunch of schoolmarms we’re playing anyway.”

(Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, a bastion of teacher training within this state since 1817, is unique in the Great South USA American South Conference in that its roster is predominately female.)

In other offensive news, Coach [Red] Winston said he was very pleased to have played a small part in convincing 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg to swear off his proposed stomach stapling surgery, “I think them 1-inch shingle staples is what brung him around.” Joe Lee, a junior majoring in Dressmaking Science, also credits the lure of the Big 32 from the Steer Inn on the Bypass as helping to make his decision easier. “Coach [head coach Bull Winston] said he’d buy me one of them big steaks they got and I done eat it up this afternoon.” Smattersberg says he does not think the meal will slow him down any, “No,” he said.

Running back Terdin Glummen of Opp, Alabama, a freshman majoring in Hammering Technology, said he wants to do good this week, “I want to do good,” he said.

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad is looking forward to tangling with the Pedagogues this week. “We’re looking forward to playing that silly bunch of girls,” he said. “I ain’t even going to turn on my Madden Football game—I got to save my batteries anyway, and I really don’t think we got much to worry about.”

Defensive end Bob Smith, a 110 pound senior majoring in Ornamental Animal Science from Taipei, Taiwan said he was looking forward to hosting the Teachers, “I’m looking forward to playing with them,” he said through an interpreter.

Special Teams coach Rory Winston reports that Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta, the world’s most famous Czech Olympic quoits champion and backup kicker, has finally recovered from his outbreak of monkeypox, and will once again be stepping into the shoes of starting kicker Buddy Winston, who was arrested by state police in Columbus, Mississippi for operating his motor vehicle at speeds in excess of posted limits.

Speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via telephone from the Columbus jail, Buddy, a senior majoring in Pharmaceutical Sales Technology, says he is innocent of the charges. “They said I was going 125, but I know it had to be closer to 150 because I just got through putting on a new nitrous system.” [Buddy] Winston owns a 1978 Firebird Formula, with a blueprinted HO-455 engine, Doug Nash 5 speed, and a 12 bolt Posi rear end.

Weevil State University is 3-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The Fightin’ Weevils will be taking on cross-state-line rivals Noxubee River (Mississippi) College of the Big American 7-South US Conference on October 25.  
  Breaking News - Tax Relief

[The following should in no way reflect on or interfere with the journalistic integrity of the PROBOSCIS]
This was sent from the New Zealand chapter of DOOFUS:
Hodgson backs down on fart tax
By LIAM DANN, primary industries editor
The Government looks set to back down over its controversial flatulence tax.

In a joint statement yesterday Environment Minister Pete Hodgson and Agriculture Minister Jim Sutton said a new research plan put forward by an agricultural industry group should be sufficient to avoid the need for a statutory levy on farmers.

Opposition MPs seized on the comments, calling the decision an "embarrassing u-turn" and a victory for farmers... Federated Farmers vice-president Charlie Pedersen said the Government showed an arrogance about the issue from the start.

"They sullied our reputation by suggesting there was something less than wholesome about farming sheep and cattle in New Zealand. We're the most environmentally friendly, sustainable farmers in the world."

Old Farts around the world salute the efforts of those valiant New Zealand farmers and their fight against a tax on the oldest form of relief. Aaaah.

  A Response To Our Readers

It has been brought to our attention by certain persons, who shall remain nameless, that they are disturbed and upset with this week’s seeming dearth of news and information. Some have even gone so far as to question the vaunted, award-winning, highly-regarded status of THE PROBOSCIS as a fit medium for their perusal.

Although such ignorance and silliness is probably to be expected, knowing such persons as we do, we believe it is not in our interest to allow libels of this sort to go unanswered.

Remember that the online version of THE PROBOSCIS is in the format of a “weblog”—not the usual format of our weekly paper version, available on campus and at fine establishments all around the Tri-County area. As such, even a weak-pated simpleton could see that the format is intended to be no more, nor no less, active than is absolutely necessary.

On those days when life in Weevil Station grinds to a standstill, our famous staff of literary geniuses will not post things merely for the sake of posting. To do so would make a sham and a mockery of all that journalism, THE PROBOSCIS, and yea, indeed, Weevil State University, stand for.

Would you, gentle readers, have us simply make up wild concoctions of fable and fantasy, just to feed your insatiable desire for verbiage?

Rest assured that no matter how weary, how otherwise occupied, how bereft of inspiration we may be at any one time, we will in no way endeavor to fill these pages with mindless fluffy meringues of thought—NAY, the grand pages of THE PROBOSCIS will not be a stage for showy fripperies and fanciful flights of sophomoric literary onanism!

THE PROBOSCIS will stand tall, both in print and upon the crackling ether, as a shining example of journalistic excellence, not excess.

Of literary import, not ignominy.

Of all that is good and fine in the spirit of all the administration, faculty, staff, contract employees, students, alumni, friends, associates, acquaintances, and other such like, of Weevil State University.


In other matters, a pair of tube socks has been turned in to the Lost and Found Box at Art Frahm Hall. 
  In a surprise announcement, Joey Smattersberg, the Weevil's 405 lb defensive lineman said that he has decided to forego the stomach stapling surgery and wait to get one of the new-fangled stomach "pacemakers". Joey says that way of he doesn't like being skinny, he can get big again. Coach Bull Winston said he was happy to hear that Joey had come to his senses. "I'm happy he has come to his senses".

Joey says he has lost about five pounds through exercise and a proper diet and feels like he has picked up some speed and expects to be more effective for the rest of the Weevil's season. Coach Winston said he is rewarding Joey's hard work with a 32 ounce steak with all the trimmings. 
  Letter to the Editor

I'm mad as heck and I can't take it anymore! I paid dern good money for my Proboscis subscription, and all I've been getting lately is blank space. If I wanted that I could just take a sheet of paper out and stare at it. What has happened to all of the award-winning journalism of days gone by? Folks need to have a feeling for the pulse of the Weevil community, but it seems to have flat-lined lately. [SLAP] Snap out of it!

Warmest Wishes,

Jessie's Outdoorsman - fulfill all of your hunting needs at Jessie's 
Thursday, October 16, 2003
  Special Seminar - DOOFUS

The Department Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiters is pleased to announce a seminar available to the whole Weevil community: Remote Control 101 - Basics of RC Operation. No prerequisites for this seminar, just a willingness to take control of an important leisure time "activity". The seminar will include:

1. How to open the battery compartment, replace the batteries and secure the cover without breaking it.
2. Pros and cons of using the ON/OFF button on the RC vs the actual power button/switch on the TV.
3. Programming out those pesky gaps (channel number that shows a blank screen) as you run through the channels.
4. Proper pacing when running through the channels, as well as alternating use of the up and down buttons.
5. Latest models of RC caddies.
6. Best hiding spots when you are out of the room.
7. Properly gripping the RC as you "rest your eyes".
8. When to replace a worn out RC and what to look for in a replacement model.

Dean Spud will be offering this seminar from 9-11 a.m. on Nov. 1 at Rm. 308 at De Soto Hall. A second seminar on Nov. 8 will be offered if necessary. There will be a $25 fee. Participants are urged to bring their own RC's, as there will be no extras to hand out during the seminar. Please call the department at x258 to reserve a spot.
[NOTE: Husbands and wives will not be allowed to attend the class together - they must choose between themselves. DOOFUS will not be responsible for any "difficulties" that may arise over RC control.] 
Tuesday, October 14, 2003

WSU regrets that it must raise tuition 300% or release half the faculty and staff. The faculty and staff voted for the tuition increase so it is effective immediately. Please make arrangements to pay the extra by close of business today. We regret any inconvenience this may cause.

There will be no heat in the classrooms or dormitories until the second semester. Director of Facilities Earl Fuddpucker assures us that it seldom gets below freezing until January so there should be no real inconvenience. Hot water has been discontinued in the Dorms.

Hot showers are available at Fuddpucker's Truckstop and Quick Lube for a nominal charge of $1.00 to WSU students.

Monday, October 13, 2003
  House for Rent

CLOSE TO CAMPUS, CUTE! CUTE! CUTE!—110 East Buzzard--Great for students. Quiet street, landscaped, 2BR, 1BA, LR/DEN/FR, ESIK, FP. Beautiful view of Lisa Taylor Wallace Wastewater Treatment Facility. All window treatments stay. No pets.

Click here to Take a “L(.)(.)K”!

Offered at only $545/MO + util. by Southwest TriCounty Realty—contact Bunni Wisterpin today! 

University Accounting reports that tenured faculty may now deposit or cash their paychecks from 9/5 and 9/19. 
  Research Subjects Needed

The Department of Crayon Research is looking for willing university students to act as test subjects to conduct experiments on advanced pigmented-wax coloring media. Subjects will be required to fill in paper test forms with a variety of up to three different colored pigment transfer implements. Subjects will be monitored by a variety of special instruments, both internal and external, and their responses to various colors and materials collected and analyzed. In addition to transferring pigment to paper test forms, students will also be subjected to a variety of other external stimuli such as various fragrances, burning embers, electric shock, puncturing with objects up to 10 millimeters in diameter, pounding with the use of objects not less than 4, nor more than 80 pounds, and banjo music.

Any students interested in this valuable research are urged to come by the Department of Crayon Research, Suite 500, Binney-Smith Hall or call ext. 9087. If selected, test subjects will be paid $3 per session. 
  From the scrub pine and snaky pasturelands of the south central western portion of Alabama, somewhere south of Fayette…

Our beloved Weevil State University Fightin’ Weevils have yet again managed to emerge with a hard fought victory over our downstate rivals, Bay Minette A&M!!

Although hampered by ongoing allegations of alleged ongoings at a strip club on the Connecticut/Massachusetts state line, Head Coach Bull Winston appeared to be able to put aside those thoughts and concerns and lead the WSU Eleven to a thrilling 3-2 romp over the Steamboatmen.

Coach Winston was very pleased with the outcome, “I am very pleased,” he said, still speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via an intermediary.

Early in the game a botched flea-flicker by the Weevils on the Steamboatmen’s 40 yard line caused a free-for-all as the ball was tumbled and batted around for a loss of 60 yards until it was finally recovered by freshman running back and Hammering Technology major Terdin Glummen, who was promptly fallen on by the Bay Minette star free safety, Bob Smith, for a safety.

The game then became a titanic defensive struggle for the remainder of the game, with each team alternately running and throwing and then losing the ball. Offensive Coordinator Red Winston had been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson all week, but was somewhat disappointed in the final statistics showing a total offense of only 3 yards rushing, and –5 passing. The wishbone offense put in place at the last minute by Coach Red Winston seemed to not be well received. “We thought maybe he could do that little play action option thing and hand it to someone, but when he gets nervous, his hands sweat up a lot and we can’t find anything to help him.” Jackson did have one very long pass late in the third quarter, which was intercepted. The offensive line was very effective, and 405 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg fell on several defenders, causing them to be mashed severely.

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad on the other hand, managed to put in a respectable performance, although certain disaster loomed when the team took the field in the second half. “Well, my batteries went low on my Madden Football, and I didn’t know hardly what to do, so we just run right at them, and we did alright,” said Coach Winston. Despite allowing 300 yards of total offense, the A&M team was hampered by their own ineptitude within the red zone, and could not capitalize on the mistakes which presented themselves to the team. “I think we done real good,” said Coach Hick Winston, despite protestations from Pressbox Coach Nock Winston.

“He was just doing what I’ve been telling him to do all season,” said [Nock] Winston.

Despite the level of game play, all appeared to be lost until only 7 minutes remained in the fourth quarter, when the Bay Minette squad coughed up the ball on their own 10 yard line. After three hard downs in which the Weevils were backed up another ten yards, a crucial fourth-and-twenty field goal attempt was made.

Special Teams coach Rory Winston reports that senior kicker Buddy Winston (not the same Buddy Winston who is son of Weevil’s trainer Luther Winston) was the very model of coolness, “I think he might have gotten into something, because he was real sleepy and kind of talking out of his head like.” Regardless, in the crucial moment, the field goal attempt wobbled through the electrified atmosphere of Weevil Stadium and just barely bounded over the crossbar, falling over to send the Weevils ahead by a point.

Although the Bay Minette team attempted a hurry-up offense in the closing minutes, the hard-charging Weevils managed to stave off their attempts and emerge victorious.

Weevil State University is now 3-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 18, when the Weevils play host to Northwest Autauga Normal Institute.  
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