After past weeks of thrills and disappointments, with the arrest of known loner Thad Bointnut in connection with the theft of beloved Beau Weevil’s mascot head, a road game beset with no small amount of controversy, the appearance on campus of famed trial attorney Johnnie Cochran
at the behest of Head Coach Bull Winston in his impending lawsuit against this publication, and the admission of trainer Luther Winston to the HealthSouth Central Southwest South TriCounty Regional Medical Clinic for birdshot puncture wounds to the buttocks, it seems as though the mighty Fightin’ Weevils football squad have been ignored.
Not so, says Coach Bull Winston, speaking through an intermediary. “We practice every day,” he said. Which is going to be crucial in this week’s game against the Steamboatmen of Bay Minette A&M, according to sources
Offensive Coordinator Red Winston has been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson all week. “He’s been having cramps real bad in his hands since last weekend when he was…well, he has real small hands and all. We think we might be able to come up with some sort of varitation on the wishbone that’ll be good for him. If he can’t get a good holt on the ball, he can always just sort of lob it off to Hun [senior tailback Attila Hunderbunk] or he could loft it or something.”
Asked about the surprising announcement that 405 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg would be undergoing stomach stapling surgery in November, Coach [Red] Winston said he was trying to convince Smattersberg to wait. “I brung him in the office the other day and got out my big staple gun and hit a couple of good pops right there above his navel with some 1” shingle staples until he started crying. I think I might be able to talk some sense to him now.”
Offensive right guard Lunt Cleemnerfil, a junior from Intercourse, Alabama
majoring in Garbage Receptacle Science wishes to say hello to his parents, Jim and Jimmi Cleemnerfil. “I also want to say hey to Peepaw and Neener, and Big Mama and Pap, and Uncle Dick and Aunt Weeni, and everybody.”
Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad is looking forward to tangling with the Steamboatmen this week. “We’re looking forward to playing them guys,” he said. “I have figured out a couple of cheat codes on the Madden Football game, and I feel like that if they get close to scoring or something, I can always do that Pause Game, Right, Left, A…well, I better not say no more or them guys from Bay Minette will know what we’re doing.”
Defensive strong safety Gordon Ho’oannookolou’a, 540 pound senior majoring in Locomotive Repair from American Samoa said he was looking forward to hosting the Steamboatmen, “I’m looking forward to playing them,” he said. This meeting is especially sweet for Ho’oannookolou’a, in that he was strongly recruited by A&M. “I found out that even though they call themselves the “Steamboatmen,” they don’t have any sort of a live-steam curriculum to speak of. For me, WSU was an obvious choice.”
Special Teams coach Rory Winston reports that Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta, world famous Czech Olympic quoits champion and backup kicker, continues to recover from his recent bout of monkeypox. Senior kicker Buddy Winston, last week allowed to travel with the team to Massachusetts, had his final court appearance earlier in the week where he was convicted of charges of Second Degree Conversion of Property and sentenced to time served. Winston said he was relieved the ordeal is over, “I’m relieved the ordeal is over,” he said.
At press time, it appears that the team’s physical training and medical needs will be served by Buddy Winston, son of the team’s head trainer, Luther Winston. “I have a great deal of experience,” said the acting trainer, noting he had a broad knowledge of tape, as well as his own bottle of Absorbine, Jr.
Weevil State University remains 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 18, when the Weevils play host to Northwest Autauga Normal Institute.
Sadness Strikes Campus
It is with deep regret that the Weevil State family mourn the loss of Professor N. Clusive, Senior Scholar in the Department of Something Extremely Trendy.
Long an advocate for diversity and social tolerance, Professor Clusive was discovered in his office at 8:39 this morning. In a sad irony, he had been crushed underneath a collection of Che Guevara stone busts currently on loan to the University from the Museo de la Revolucion in Havana, Cuba.
Fortunately, none of the busts suffered any damage in the accident.
Campus Police Chief Thomas “T.R.” Randolph was the first on the scene, and described it as a terrible tragedy. “It was a terrible tragedy,” he said.
Professor Clusive, who most recently called the administration to task
over the time-honored and traditional titles used in the Mr. and Miss Weevil contest, was lauded as a gentle soul and tireless worker. The Chancellor’s Office released the following statement:
We are deeply saddened by this untimely crushing of one of our proud and distinguished faulty members.
Although often at odds with the Administration, it is important to note the contributions made to the University by Professor Clusive, and justly remember him as a person of great intellect and spirit.
The University administration, faculty, staff, and student body extend to his memory a tender and heartfelt farewell.
Memorials in Professor Clusive’s honor may be made to the Re-Elect George Bush Campaign, the National Rifle Association, the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, or to the Weevil State University Young Republicans Club.
DOOFUS Meeting Minutes (10/9/03):
[Dept. Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs]
After a brief prayer, Prof. Felicity read over the previous meeting minutes and then we dug right into it.
1. We salute Arnold's win in California, and we're still amazed that that liberal swamp could pull off a Republican coup. Everyone raised their RC Cola bottles in a toast to his success and hoped that he could stem the tide of the great eastern migration of Cali's.
2. Our crack research team could not uncover whether or not Plame was her maiden name of something that had been CIA-assigned (should have just been Wilson if she was married to the guy). We will continue to wait for the President's mop-up team to take care of the leak before passing any judgments.
3. It was suggested and duly elected that Columbus Day should be combined with MLK Day and Robert E. Lee Day, since it's only government workers and bankers, and not you're typical working man who seem to get an off day. The new day would be called the Floater Day, where people can honor whoever the heck they want to honor whenever the heck they want. Floating in a pool or the ocean, or having a root beer float would be optional.
4. Again, our crack research team could not come up with any solid leads on this "Pot-O-Gold" phenomenon. Prof. Felicity volunteered her niece Ophelia to go undercover and root out some information on this new organization. DOOFUS will pay for her entrance fee/donation as well as any special infiltration outfits that are needed.
** A seminar available for the whole Weevil community will be announced soon, after we figure out who's giving it and when.
Prayer requests were made for Thad Bointnut, Coach Winston, Gray Davis, our service men and women in the Middle East (as well as around the world), and for Skeeter's daughter who is facing some corrective surgery. After the meeting was adjourned, Jessie handed out some coupons for Fuddruckers. When someone asked about Fuddpluckers, Jessie just said "Hunh?". When shown the announcement from the previous day, Jessie said "That's the Proboscis
College vice president charged with assault against colleague
The Associated Press
10/8/2003, 11:36 a.m. CT
LaGRANGE, Ga. (AP) -- Columbus Technical College vice president Bill Sellers has been charged with aggravated assault for allegedly dragging a former coworker with his truck.
Sellers, 52, of LaGrange, was arrested Thursday at Columbus Technical College and is now free on bond. Sellers served as president of West Georgia Technical College for six years before resigning last year to take the job in Columbus.
Columbus police said Sellers used his vehicle as a deadly weapon by dragging a Phenix City, Ala., woman on the ground with his 2000 Nissan Frontier pickup Sept. 30 in the parking lot of Lake Oliver Marina in Columbus.
The victim, a former employee of West Georgia Technical College, told police she was dragged after an argument with Sellers. She was treated at St. Francis Medical Center in Columbus for injuries to her head, neck and hands. [...]
The Provost's Office reminds all faculty and staff that Weevil State University is a drag-free institution.
DOOFUS Meeting Announcement:
[Dept. Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs]
All staff should plan to meet at Skeeters Filling Station (corner of Oak and Sixth) on Thursday, Oct. 9, at 10 am. Be sure to bring a folding chair in case we run out of seats, or just stand if you want, I don't care. Skeeter has also asked that whoever is spitting to not leave it in one spot on the concrete but to use a spread pattern, since someone could slip if you don't. Be prepared to discuss the following agenda:
2. The Plame Blame Game.
3. Recall Columbus Day.
4. Pot-O-Gold, Hoax or Not.
After the meeting the staff is invited to Fuddpluckers for lunch. (And yes, Chancellor Oglesby, staff members will be paying for their own
A spokeman for Coach Bull Winston announced today that Coach Winston has retained famed trial lawyer Johnnie Cochrane in his suit against The Proboscis. The Proboscis' attorney, Joe Bob Fuddpucker was quoted as saying " Bring him on". Coach Winston has demanded an apology for our story about the Weevil's trip up North and the Proboscis staff has refused since we have the recording of his very own words to the effect that he took the Weevils to a strip joint.
In a possibly related development, Luther Winston was admitted to the hospital with multiple small wounds about his hind quarters. A first aid kit marked WSU Athletic Dept was found in the outer offices of The Proboscis this morning and may be retrieved at the front desk.
Urgent Notice: For All Pre-Med Students
WSU students are hereby notified that enrollment in pre-med courses "Identifying Body Parts," "Operation: Not the Game," and "Wash Your Hands Before You Come to the Table" are not sufficient training to undertake castration of transgendered women at their request with no anesthesia conducted on a dining room table at home.
The WSU Office of Pre-Med Admissions regrets any confusion that may have been caused by its recent admissions campaign, "Learn to Operate in 30 days!" Questions and concerns should be directed to Dean Possum.
MR. & MISS WEEVIL APPLICATIONS
are now available at the Student Life Office (Spludger Hall).
Important Dates to Remember:
- Applications are due by 5:00 p.m. on October 20.
- Election Guide and sample ballot will be made available by October 21
- Elections will be held on October 28 and 29.
- The three finalists will be announced on October 29 by 9 p.m.
- Presentation of primary election winners at The Weevil Swarming, November 6.
SGA Vice-President for Fun Activities for Upperclassmen
A set of bongo drums is missing
from the dance studio in Dixie Graves Gym. If anyone knows anything about this, please contact the Department of Kinesiology, ext. 6590
Spring Break in Iraq
-Boat the Euphrates River and several scenic streams
-Stop at the Hanging Gardens of Babylon
-Visit one of fourteen different Grand Palaces
-View the Great Pride of Babylon Oil Refinery #2
-Enjoy traditional food and dance
And that’s only the first day….
Travel with Weevil State University to exotic Iraq during Spring Break 2004 - and even earn course credit!
-Wander through ancient cities and admire the canal network of Hammurabi
-Visit a hotel bar and meet reporters
-Experience the adventure of a lifetime
Total student fee: $72,273
Total non-student fee: $72,553
Price includes round-trip airfare, 7 overnight stays in Mosul, meals, bilingual guide, and entrance fees.
The Fighting Weevils were stunned this morning by the announcement of our 405 lb Center Joe Lee Smattersberg that he is scheduled for stomach stapling surgery in November. "We're stunned" said Coach Winston. Besides being most of the offensive line, Joe Lee is of the few Weevils who attends class. He says that he learned in a nutrition class that weighing 405 lbs at age 18 is not a good thing. Professor Tilly "Tofu" Thompson who teaches a nutrition class said "It is not a good thing" when contacted by The Proboscis".
Coach Bull Winston and the Weevil Booster's today demanded that the University drop its "Communist inspired nutrition classes".
Me and the other coaches are mighty upset at your misreporting my interview about our trip to Massche--, Massha, Mas---that Yankee state. We took the boys to a STRIP MALL, not a strip joint. See the boys was hungry and they had several different cafes in that there strip mall and we give each of the boys the NCAA limit of supper money ( I don't want to hear about y'all printin' any rumors about any extras from the Weevil Boosters) and sent them off, but it was not much use cause they couldn't find any stuff they recognized as food
You better start getting your stories straight or else I will have Luther and his first aid box come calling.
I'm optimistic that y'all will set this right.
Coach "Bull" Winston
[The Editorial Staff and Journalism Faculty stand by the story as reported. Coach Winston is reminded that the interview was recorded, and every attempt was made to insure his comments were not taken out of context.
Likewise, Coach Luther Winston should also be reminded never to bring a first aid box to a gunfight. Unless, you know, it's to use on himself. In that case, he should bring it. Ed.]
DECEIT, TRICKERY PLAYED UPON WSU!!
Legal Action May Follow!
In a stunning development this past weekend, the Weevil State University athletic department was trapped in the tentacles of a gigantic hoax.
After driving for over twenty straight hours and 1300 miles from Weevil Station to reach the town of Arkham, Massachusetts, Head Coach Bull Winston and the Fightin’ Weevils found they had been the dupes of a cruel fiction, a mean-spirited jape upon their trusting and fine nature.
Upon their return last night, this reporter had an in-depth interview with Coach Winston to attempt to discern how this odious deed was perpetrated. Coach Winston was asked how the trip unfolded.
“It was fine,” he said. “You know we left Friday morning, and was going to drive straight through then get there on Saturday, then have a bit of time to walk the field and stuff. Well, we got up yonder, and we was following this map we got sent, and got all turned around trying to find this place. We stopped a couple of times to ask for directions to Miskatonic, but all them people up there talk so funny couldn’t none of us understand what they was a saying, and Professor MommaBear’s telephone wasn’t working, so we couldn’t get her to translate. Anyway, we kept asking and folks just looked at us like we was idiots or something.”
An Answer at Last
“We finally pulled in to a gas station somewhere around Salem or some such place and there was some smart-alecky kid working the pump. The boys all got out to go get a cold drink, and me and Luther [Winston—WSU trainer] tried to ask him where Arkham was, and he just started a’laughing and all like he was laughing at
us, and so Luther took the first aid box and whanged him on his head, and I told Luther he shouldn’t have ought to have done that. Luther got one of the ammonia things and got him breathing again, and I made him apologize to the little smart-aleck right then, and then asked the boy where we was supposed to go. He said that he didn’t know who had been a’messing with us, but that this Miskatonic University and this Arkham, Massatushets places was just fissio…make-believe! Luther was about to whump him again, and I made him stop, because the boy wasn’t laughing at us no more and because I was afraid Luther might break our bottle of iodine; but anyway, that little smart-aleck said that the fellow that wrote all these stories was some Lovecraft man.”
“And see, I remember talking to some fellow that called up back last year when I was a’making out the schedules, and he said he was the Miskatonic AD, and he said his name was Lovecraft. So we’re standing there, and it finally dawns on me that we had been snookered right good!”
The coach’s anger could be seen as it flowed through his body, and every muscle in his neck twitched.
“I tell you right now, if I find that wormy little Lovecraft fellow, I’m not going to be real Christian towards him at all!”
“So, I got the boys back together and told them that this little smart-alecky boy had told me that this whole deal was just one big put-on by some fancy writer man, and they was just about to jump the boy and I told them not to because Luther’d done got him one. I loaded them back on the bus, and us coaches all had us a meeting right there. We figured there wasn’t much else we could do—we had all that money with us for Gatorade and groceries and the motel rooms, so we turned the bus around and headed back down the road to that strip club we had seen back there at the Connecticut line.”
“We pulled up to this joint, and I tell you, I regret taking the boys there. We walked in and right away we knew we’d made a mistake—them girls didn’t have a bit of makeup on, and you know how coarse some of them Yankee girls look. There was several of them that could’ve done an extra lap around their legs and under their arms with the razor, too. And to make it even worse, the boys said they heard some of them girls just a’cussing up a storm—I tell you what, it just makes you wonder about how some folks are raised."
“The only one of us that seemed to be having any sort of time was D’Wontavius—he found some gal who was…well, she didn’t have too much in the way of a figure—she was built like a mop, but her and D’Won seemed to hit it off.”
Coach rubbed his face and looked thoughtful—“He’s got them tiny little hands and all, you know…”
“We weren’t having too much fun, and then that blowhard Ted Kennedy showed up with a mess of folks and they was all in their cups and such, and there just wasn’t no sort of way we was going to stay there with a bunch of drunk Kennedys on the loose, so we loaded on back up and headed home. That sure was one long trip for nothing.”
Offensive Coordinator Red Winston did manage to find one bright spot in the horrid events, “Well, we didn’t lose,” he said.
That may not be good enough for one Alabama state legislator.
The Legal Option
State of Alabama 36th District Senator Cadmus Preston “Ned” Forntlivaughn, III (D. Lubbub) is outraged at what has befallen Weevil State.
“I tell you it is an outrage that the great people of the State of Alabama and of the 36th District have had their precious monies wasted away by filthy evildoers who would sully our fine citizens with this ill-advised and mean-mannered despicable act of deceit by this author Lovecraft. In the next regular session, I will introduce legislation to amend the Constitution of Alabama to make it a capital felony for authors to induce, coerce, or by any fraudulent means whatsoever, cause a football team in this state to schedule a game with a school which does not exist.”
Coach Bull Winston is grateful for the support of the senator, and hopes the legislation will pass. “I sure hope this passes,” he said. “We need to be protected from mess like this.”
Weevil State University remains 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are home again to host Bay Minette A&M.
In a journalistic coup, a reporter for The Proboscis
was able to secure an exclusive interview with the Rev. Al Sharpton, one of the contenders for the Democratic presidential nominee. The whole Weevil community has been abuzz about Rev. Sharpton's extended stay here on campus, considering his other important commitments to his campaign. The hard-hitting but fair investigative reporter for The Proboscis
, Ralph Vest, has the details on a new campus organization.
Ralph Vest: Rev. Sharpton, amidst a very busy schedule, you have spent a few extra days here on the WSU campus. Why?
Rev. Al Sharpton: Well, you know, being a city boy and all, I just love to occasionally get out of the hustle and bustle of New York, take off my shoes and socks and let my toes breathe.
RV: Now c'mon, rumor has it that you are organizing a student group ...
AS: I'm not at liberty to divulge much information on that right now.
RV: Aww, please? C'mon ... pretty please? I really really wish you would.
AS: OK, OK. Since Jessie Jackson's Rainbow Coalition seems to be losing steam, I have led an effort to keep minority issues on the front burner. Since the Rainbow is near its end, the new organization will be called "Pot-O-Gold".
RV: That's an interesting name - any concern that it will be confused with Irish interests?
AS: Naah, we think it's a winner since alot of folks will think it has something to do with a lottery. We are starting out on campuses, tapping into the vitality and energy of young campus idealists to help run this grass-roots effort. That first part of the name usually gets student's initial interest. By utilizing the young people's fervor, we expect this organization to grow like a weed.
RV: Limited to just African-Americans?
AS: Not at all, we'll take anyone who has a pulse and wants to make a difference for minority concerns. In fact, we have plans for a chapter specializing in Latino interests called "Acapulc-O-Gold". We will be rolling out more as necessary.
RV: Why WSU?
AS: The Weevil campus is centrally located and has a long history of concern for minority causes. Plus we were offered a free office from Student Affairs, no questions asked.
RV: Finally, any truth to the rumor that you will be associated with NORML?
AS: While some of our student members may be "out there", by and large I expect that most of our members could be considered normal.
RV: No, I mean N-O-R-M-L.
AS: I don't know where you got that from, and there is no truth to that. Why do you ask?
RV: Oh, nothing ...
Ralph Vest will continue to keep his finger on the pulse of Pot-O-Gold and bring more hard-hitting reports as they become available (and if he can get his grades up in ESLS).
Fuddpucker's Holiday Supply Company, right next door to Fuddpucker's Pre-Owned Automobiles is pleased to announce our annual Columbus Day Sale. Get your Columbus Day decorations at the Fuddpucker Factory Outlet. We have lovely models of Columbus' ships, Columbus costumes (They make great Halloween outfits) and a fine collection of Columbus Day Candles. For those who think Columbus was an imperialist pig, we have a fine collection of Native American items some of which are not made in China.
Fuddpucker's Holiday Supply Company, Hours 12-12 (convenient for our WSU friends) Sunday through Saturday except for Tuesdays and occasional Thursdays.