The buses have just pulled away from campus carrying our Fightin’ Weevils up to Arkham, Massachusetts for their first ever meeting against Miskatonic University
, a hotbed of football fun, is also home to the Arkham Fighting Cephalopods
pro team, as well as the Miskatonic Whippoorwills.
Weevils Head Coach Bull Winston was optimistic about their prospects, “I’m real optimistic,” he said.
“We don’t know no whole lot about them—haven’t been able to watch no game film or nothing. We keep hearing about this Thoolu or Cootloo fellow [sic
, “Cthulhu” Ed
.] but we can’t quite figure out if he’s the coach or their quarterback or what. I reckon we’ll find out when we get there.”
The Fightin’ Weevils will be missing one of their star players this week, as former Czech Olympic quoits champion Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta is not feeling well due to a bout of monkeypox. Fortunately, senior kicker Buddy Winston was released from custody in a temporary parole arrangement and Special Teams coach Rory Winston seems confident of his abilities, “He’ll do alright, I reckon,” said Coach.
After last week’s difficulties with the passing game, Offensive Coordinator Red Winston has been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson on running. “We need to run more,” said Coach [Red] Winston. “Them little hands of his, you know…”
Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad is looking forward to tangling with the Whippoorwills this week. “We’re looking forward to playing them guys,” said Coach, “I got me one of them handheld Madden Football games now, so I can carry it around with me on the sidelines.”
Pressbox Coach Nock Winston was less enthused about the use of the Madden device, “No, I’m calling the plays, and if he [Coach Hick Winston] don’t like it, he just needs to talk to Daddy [Head Coach Bull Winston] about it right now.”
Weevil State University is now 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are again home against Bay Minette A&M.
First there were the miniature dogs, then it was on to miniature horses, then the craze for pint-sized companionship moved on to miniature pigs. What’s the next big little thing?
Well, if researchers in the Ornamental Animal program at the Weevil State University Department of Animal Husbandry have anything to do with it, it will be the ancient ship (or, in this case, dinghy) of the desert.
That’s right, the camel!
Doctor Flun Tumnler, along with graduate students Yih Xhun Lao, Lao Mi Na, Xia Fan, Bob Smith, and Chu Xhan Fa have been working for the past three years on a project to breed miniature camels for the domestic pet market.
“We think we have hit upon an idea that will really take off,” said Dr. Tumnler. “They look just like their full-sized kin, but have been specially bred to a much reduced size.”
Indeed they have. The largest, a bull camel named Lucky, stands only three feet high at his shoulder.
But, you might ask, what about the famous camel temperament? Dr. Tumnler: “Oh yes, they still spit and try to snap at you—they are still camels after all. And they have the same camel aroma. But with their diminutive size, they can now be owned by people in apartments who before were unable to enjoy full sized camels.”
Speaking through an interpreter, graduate research assistant Bob Smith had this to say, “We believe we also will be finding a market for them in poorer countries, where to have a large herd of camels would be prohibitively expensive. The smaller camels only eat about 65-87% of the amount a large camel would eat, and their production of dung is likewise reduced by up to approximately 5%.”
Tumnler also speculates they would be very popular with people doing nativity scenes, especially those who have limited yard space.
As with their beast of burden big brothers, the little fellows like to haul things, too.
Another research assistant, Xia Fan, said, “Oh, yeah, like, they like for you to like put stuff on their backs, and they lope around the pasture here—oh my gahhh, they are soooooo cute!”
Dr. Tumnler cautions, however, that they aren’t able to support the weight of a full-grown human rider. “No,” he chuckled, “they can’t do that. But we have had very good success with various monkeys. The capuchins especially seem to enjoy riding around, and we have a grand time putting on races between the animals. Benson over there is our fastest little fellow, but only when Binky is riding him—he can’t seem to tolerate the other monkeys.”
So when will the tiny camels be ready for the huge miniature domestic companion market? Dr. Tumnler confides that a certain nationally-known luxury retailer has asked to sell the first pair, “I can’t say who it is right now, but it rhymes with Knee Man, Mare Gas…get it? Knee Man, Mare Gas?”
This reporter certainly did, and now you will be able to, also!
Services at the Weevil Student Chapel (located in the basement of De Soto Hall) begin at 10 am with a time of fellowship. Church coffee and cookies provided by the Triple Rock Salvation church will be served. Worship service starts at 11 am. Pastor Raster was scheduled to continue his series in Prosperity
with the topic of "What To Do With It Once You Got It", but will be rescheduled for next week since we have a special guest on Sunday. Rev. Al Sharpton
will deliver his message, "God's In Control, And I'm Just Here To Help". The Triple Rock Salvation Praise Band will be providing the music, so be sure to put on your shouting shoes. A large-screen video simulcast in the De Soto Hall gameroom will be provided in case the chapel gets too full.
Older lady seeks young man to help with fall planting. Call Laura Reynolds at 318-4237.
Professor of Industrial Arts Elroy Fuddpucker reported that someone has stolen the department's Craftsman 5hp, 33 gallon, 12.9 scfm @ 40 psi, 10 scfm at 90 psi belt drive compressor. An unidentified witness said he saw a truck with a Utah license plate near the Industrial Arts Department on Sunday night, but figured it was just one of them artsy types picking up their so called "art".
Professor Puddpucker is offering a $10 reward for information regarding the thief.
Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph says "call him at extension 10-4 if you seen anything".
WSU STUDENT ARRESTED IN BEAU HEAD THEFT
In a stunning turn of events, last evening at approximately 10:45 p.m., a combined 300-man Counter-Terror Task Force made up of federal, state, county, local, and campus police, as well as agents from the FBI, ATF, and UPS, along with a company of military police assigned to the Grinder’s Switch National Guard armory, acting on an anonymous tip, converged on the grounds of Howard Morris Dormitory and arrested one Thaddeus Maurice Bointnut, a freshman in the Weevil State Lead Smelting program.
Bointnut, aged 19, from Loachapoka, Alabama, and Chapter President of the Weevil State University chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism, was arrested on suspicion of theft of property, specifically the head of famed Weevil State mascot, Beau Weevil.
Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph said he hopes this sends a message, “I hope this sends a message that you can’t just go around taking things that aren’t yours.”
Bointnut protested his innocence, saying he was being persecuted for attempting to interfere with last night’s League of Weevil Voters presidential debate. Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph discounted this idea, noting that he had received a tip fair and square, and that nobody would accuse a student unless he were really guilty. It is worth noting that the fiberglass weevil head was not found in his dorm room or otherwise in his possession.
“We are not concerned about that,” said Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, “we believe after questioning the alleged thief that he will confess.”
Although the missing article did not turn up, Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph did note that other items had been seized during the raid, “We confiscated a replica of a Scottish Claymore sword, and a mace.”
The sword, which appeared to this reporter to be an accurate copy made from corrugated cardboard and aluminum foil, as well as the mace, which was constructed from a large Styrofoam ball with cone-shaped paper drinking cups glued to it, are, according to Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, “just a part of the terrifyingly dangerous arsenal of Medieval role-playing articles which members of these groups collect. Any one of them could cause an eye to be jabbed, possibly even leading to partial vision loss. That’s why we had to use the pepper spray and the Taser on him.”
Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph also noted that the suspect occasionally uses an alias. “Yeah, he calls himself Wolvenslay, which is really violent sounding. We don’t know what he could be up to. Not that I can talk any more about that.”
Other items confiscated in the raid include the hard drive from Bointnut’s computer, three issues of Maxim magazine, a medicine bottle with unidentified pills, a series of lewd 12th Century Flemish woodcut prints, $200 in cash, and two cans of Cel-Ray.
Reached for comment, the University Chancellor stated that he was relieved this matter now seemed to be coming to a close, “I am relieved, but I must ask that all other questions be directed to the Office of Student Affairs or to Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph.”
The Office of Student Affairs was reached this morning, and had no comment.
Jeanine Pendergast, the student who for the past two weeks has had to lead the spirit section without her head, was also relieved, “I am, like, so relieved,” she said.
Students who know Bointnut are coming forward to his defense. Thomas “Digger” Clummber, a freshman in Porcine Husbandry said, “I don’t think he did it, but if he did they ought to fry him.” Another student, sophomore Mitzi Beaumont, a KA Little Sister from Evergreen, Alabama, knew the suspect. “He was sort of a loner, I suppose. He was always talking like he lived back in the Dark Ages or something. He was kind of creepy.”
Bointnut is being held in the Town of Weevil Station jail on $10,000,000 bond.
In a surprise move, the Democratic presidential candidate debate was held last night. Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph explains:
Well, you see, with that Thad nut spouting off, as well as some other incidents I cannot disclose at this time, we decided to put out that bogus cancellation report. Because of security concerns, we moved the debate to the CNBC-3 studios. Apparently the SCA is a front for a terrorist group known as the "Spenichistas". Based on our leading-edge terrorist training, we put the campus on a double-secret code yellow alert. We had the Grinder's Switch National Guard, one of the few not called up yet, on alert just in case. I even had to tell my wife that I was going to help with some rookie training last night. Uh oh, now she's going to know ... honey, it was for your own protection!
A small audience was rounded up by inviting some of the teams that were done playing in their rec. soccer league, as well as some students hanging out in the game room at De Soto Hall and various faculty that happened to be blogging at their offices past 4 pm. The debate was spirited but did not yield any quotes worth repeating. The moderation from Ms. O'Donnell was the highlight of the evening.
Some comments from those in attendance:
On Howard Dean - He's shorter than I expected.
On John Kerry - Oooh, I'd kill for that haircut, but who has $200 for a trim?
On Dennis Kucinich - He reminded me of my sixth grade soccer coach.
On Wesley Clarke - He was a general ... in the army ... really?
On Carol Mosely-Braun - Va va va voom, she really brings some glamour to this gang.
On John Edwards - I wouldn't let him represent me in a courtroom, let alone vote for him.
From the Q&A session, the 4 questions (with response) for Ms. Mosely-Braun:
1. Illinois has given us Lincoln, Reagan and Hillary - are you next in line? CM-B: But of course.
2. Is it true that you have over 400 pair of shoes in your closet? CM-B: No.
3. Then how many do you have? CM-B: Ummm ... a little over 200.
4. What's your take on the Rush Limbaugh comment about Donovan McNabb: CM-B: While I have not met him in person, from what I have seen Rush is not big nor is he fat. And Donovan can be a QB on my team any day - whoo!
Fortunately the debate went without incident, thanks to the heightened security provided by Chief Randolph and his dedicated crew. The debate will be rebroadcast on CNBC-3 at 8 pm, interrupting their round-the-clock coverage of YellowCake-Gate. Questions about Ms. O'Donnell and her stay here have been met with tight lips and icy stares from the Chancellor and his secretary. An unsubstantiated report has revealed that a framed 8x10 glossy of Ms. O'Donnell inscribed with "Thanks Big Guy! Hugs, Norah" is now sitting on the Chancellor's desk.
The League of Weevil Voters wants to thank all concerned for making this debate the huge success that it was.
EVEN MORE-LATER-THAN-BEFORE-BREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT
The Editorial Staff has just received this message:
From the Office of the Chancellor
In Re: League of Weevil Voters Democratic Debate
It has come to our attention that due to some rash and hateful vitriol from a student at Weevil State, the scheduled debate among the ten Democratic contenders for the office of the United States Presidency sponsored by the League of Weevil Voters has been cancelled.
It is the position of this office that the League of Weevil Voters, having managed to actually get the potential candidates to appear on campus, as well as to provide a nationally-known moderator (the competent and well-groomed Norah O'Donnell of NBC) for whom the Chancellor has already made private-dining reservations at Bubba's Ribs and Stuff, as well as at Top o' the Evenin' for a post-debate party, and that the League of Weevil Voters represents a much wider group of interests than the Society of Creative Anachronism, who are interested only in promoting their own interests, that:
a) The League of Weevil Voters does NOT have to cancel its planned debate,
b) The League of Weevil Voters is NOT to contact Ms. O'Donnell with any sort of information contrary to point a), even if after discussion it is decided to cancel the debate anyway,
c) The Weevil State University Chapter of the Society of Creative Anachronism is hereby placed on Organizational Probation Code 3, and
d) Mr. Bointnut is hereby placed on Academic Watch Status XI, as well as being added to the Campus Terror Watch List.
So ordered this 1st Day of October, 2003
EVEN LATER-BREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT
The League of Weevil Voters has cancelled the last-minute Democrat presidential candidate debate, since Thad seemed to be ticked off about it. Plus Chancellor Oglesby has to deal with unruly 5th graders Wed. night.
Just forget it.
The Weevil State University Theatre Presents…
[Editor’s Note: The following article deals with an upcoming event to be performed at the Ted McGinley Auditorium on October 24. The play, a real famous New York one by some woman named Ensler, deals with a topic which some readers of THE PROBOSCIS may find disturbing or inappropriate.
This play has caused much tumult in the pages of the more traditional family newspapers in our area, in that the title contains a word referring to a particular part of the anatomy of members of the female sex. Newspapers have struggled with how best to report stories without having to offend readers or cause them to faint.
Some have simply used the word, which is just beyond the pale. Others have abbreviated the title to simply “Monologues”, while others delete particular letters from the word in question, leading to such things as “The ***i*a Mon*****e*”. None of these options seem to strike a good balance from the point of view of readability or dealing with the matter in a mature, rational manner. We have taken a slightly different tack, which we hope will satisfy our readers.]
The Birmingham News called it “frank, funny, sometimes poignant”.
Today, we are visiting with Cay Wooshley, a senior Theater major from Susan Moore, Alabama. The location—Cay’s off-campus apartment at #3 Winston Farms Phase 2, is a funky, urbane conglomeration of cast-off props and theater ephemera which fairly well looks as though it might have been torn right from the pages of Town and Country
or Southern Living.
Cay, dressed in a light teal top and white slacks, pads barefoot from the kitchen before curling up on the sofa.
OH—I am SO sorry—can I get you something to drink? I have Cel-Ray…I have a friend, who is a theater major at NYU, that’s New York University, and he sends me some every month. You just can’t get it around here—I keep asking Tim at the Food Giant and he just like, STARES at me. I hate that. No offense, Tim—you don’t have to write that do you? Oh, it’s okay, go ahead.
I politely refuse the carbonated celery juice beverage and get down to business.
Wait, hold on right there—it’s pronounced ‘key’, like Key Largo or Key Biscayne or Key West. That’s the spelling “en Espanol”—we have ancestors who were Spanish, from Mobile, and I think they were part of the royal family, and my mother always thought it was a beautiful name and sort of exotic and would be real unique when I was on stage. I was the only Cay in school, which was hard but I managed just fine.
Sorry—so, Cay, tell me a little bit about “The Hoohoo Monologues”, and why you are doing it as a one-man show.
Oh, gosh, where to start?! I mean, I just LOVE this play to pieces! You know, it was written by a New Yorker named Eve Ensler, and so that right there is just something
, and to be able to add my own interpretation to it is just so thrilling. I have been a fan since I read about it in Variety
, and I think that it will bring a little bit of edginess to the whole Tri-County area. I think that is SO important, you know. There is SO little edge here.
And a one-man show?
OH right, I forgot the question—yes, I tried to get the girls in the theater department to do it—I said “do it”—don’t print that…oh, go ahead… Anyway, none of them like it, the play, so I did an adaptation to read all the parts myself.
I think it really adds something to the whole thing, a layer of understanding and poingnancy to go along with the whole swirling rest of the humor, power, pain, wisdom, outrage, mystery and excitement hidden in those things.
EXACTLY!! And you know, as a man, this sort of exploration I think makes you much more sensitive to the real needs of women, and despite not being one, every one of your male readers who read this—YOU, and YOU, and YOU…
Wooshley pointed his finger vigorously at persons he imagines to be reading this article
…all of you had a mother at some point in your life! Someone to make you take clog dancing lessons, and enter Little Mister Susan Moore pageants, and someone to take you to the Belk’s in Montgomery when they have a sale on cute outfits—someone JUST. LIKE. THAT. And that’s real important. Was I being too harsh? Don’t print that…well, go ahead.
Cay, The Hoohoo Monologues has grown from an Off-Broadway hit into an international cultural phenomenon and has been performed in over 40 countries along with two North American touring companies, and is currently booked in over 160 cities in the US & Canada, and has been translated into over 35 different languages. Do you think your version compares favorably to the ones which use women in the cast?
What are you trying to say? Has someone said something to you?
Wooshley jumped from the sofa and hurried to a back bedroom. In a moment, he returned, composed, but with red-tinged eyes.
I am…sorry. That wasn’t very professional of me. That is one of the things in my Asset Book—I call it “Cay’s Asset Book”—that I am trying to work on. I have a…a difficult time…dealing with criticism of my work.. It’s my life
, you know, and I know what some people have been…been…saying. It’s just like when I’m a bit slow at the Steer Inn with someone’s order, and they get all, like, “Where’s the manager!” and I get all, like, “I AM AN ACTOR!”—even though I want to direct—and they get all huffy and mean and…well…anyway, that.
Sorry—Cay, as you know, here in the United States, and even in Weevil Station, the The Hoohoo Monologues has entered the popular consciousness and has been referenced on several hit television programs, including “Will & Grace,” “The Simpsons,” “Ally McBeal,” “Sex and the City,” “Dharma and Greg,” “Saturday Night Live,” and “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Do you see for yourself a career in addition to that on the live stage—television, movies, commercials?
Wooshley crossed his legs akimbo on the sofa, and steepled his fingers before pursed lips
Hmm. You know, I think you HAVE been talking to someone—it’s like you have been reading my MIND!!
I love the theater, don’t get me wrong, but I think any actor worth his greasepaint wants to explore many different worlds before he becomes a director. You know, I have appeared in several of the ads for Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury on the Bypass—they aren’t credited, of course, and I had some real head-butts with their cameraman on a couple—I will not work nude unless it’s integral to the storyline—but I think the “Waving Happy Customer (Man)” I did with the new Mustang last year was very, VERY, promising. I see myself being able to go both ways—live theater AND film.
Thank you for your time today, Cay.
EVERYONE COME SEE ME!!
The Weevil State University Theater will be presenting Cay Wooshley in “The Hoohoo Monologues” One-Man Show, beginning October 24 and running through October 26 at the Ted McGinley Auditorium. Tickets are on sale now at the box office and through Weevtick. Students $5, Faculty $8.75, General Admission $12.
In a last-minute deal, the League of Weevil Voters has arranged for the Gang of 10 (otherwise known as the Democratic presidential candidates) to a debate here on the campus of Weevil State University at 7 pm Wednesday in the auditorium of De Soto Hall. Seating is limited to the first 500 students with valid WSU ID's, in addition to any staff member who calls in by 5 pm today (x667). CNBC-3 (local cable channel 113) will televise the debate live.
The moderator for the debate will be Norah O'Donnell. Chancellor Oglesby has graciously offered to host Ms. O'Donnell during her stay here, including dinner at the private dining room section of Bubba's Ribs and Stuff. The debate will center on criticizing President Bush, avoiding any detailed plans of what the candidates would actually do if elected. The three topics of discussion are: President Bush - selected not elected, big bad bully, liar liar pants on fire.
Each candidate will be given 90 seconds for each topic, with the lovely and talented Ms. O'Donnell choosing the order of the candidates. Selected members of the audience will be given a chance to ask carefully screened questions to the candidate of their choice for the remaining time. So as not to make the other candidates feel left out, the number of questions directed to Carol Moseley-Braun will be limited to 4.
A couple of people (okay, one) have asked if Fuddpucker Enterprises and the Fuddrucker's Hamburger chain are related. As far as we know, there is no relationship. There was once a Fuddpucker's Cafe on East Fuddpucker Square, but it closed when the grease made it impossible to open the door. They passed something off as a hamburger, but it was neither high priced nor quality. It was a favorite late night hangout for students because of their hard coffee and four for a dollar "sliders".
There was the incident back in the 70's when some student stole Officer Roy Lee Fuddpucker's police cruiser when he left the key in the ignition while getting a late night cup of coffee at Fuddpucker's Cafe. There was a major man and car hunt before the cruiser was found at five AM parked on West Fuddpucker Square .
Mayor Clovis Fuddpucker was heard to comment that Roy Lee didn't get a full mess of brains and they never caught the thief. Roy Lee's bullet was the only thing missing.
Addendum: Roy Lee the policeman is not the same person as Roy E. Lee Fuddpucker VI who owns Fuddpucker's Orchard and Wrecking Yard. He is the other Roy Lee Fuddpucker.
Making Your Reading Experience Just That Much Better
The Editorial Staff and Journalism Faculty are proud and excited to announce a new additon to THE PROBOSCIS, in the form of an interactive feature called 'hyper-links', which will lead our readers to other news sources around the state and around the globe!
These 'hyper-links', which are over to the right below the faculty listing, will allow you, the reader, through the simple task of clicking with your 'mouse' to be taken DIRECTLY to the online version of the newpaper of your choice!
This marvelous technology is just one of the many ways we hope to serve you better, and to continue the long, award-winning tradition of the Weevil State Journalism Department.
Press Release from the Athletic Director to all of the athletic supporters:
Due to the confusion surrounding a WSU school that is ranked in the top 20, the following practice should be observed:
Any reference to Weevil State University should be shortened to "Weesu"
Any reference to Washington State University should be shortened to "Wazzu"
Any reference to Weber State University should be shortened to "Webs"
Any reference to Wayne State University should be made as we always have to "that other WSU" as you shake your head sadly, look down at the ground and gently sigh
Thank you for all of your support, and let's continue to cheer on our Weevils as we strive to crack the top 20 AND graduate nearly all of our student athletes. Go Weevils!
The University Panhellenic Entertainment Council wishes to inform those students who purchased tickets for the "Pink Lady...and Jeff! Reunion Concert" for October 10 may obtain a refund from the Panhellenic Office, or may exchange their tickets for the November 21 Vanilla Ice concert.
The University Central Supply Office would like to remind the faculty and staff that the new 2000-2001 softbound calendars are in and ready to be picked up. These are not the DayRunner Model 5-1249-B but the DayRunner Model 5-1249-BP. Anyone who ordered an DayRunner SJ-1249-B will be given a DayRunner SJ-1429-B, when they come in. You must sign for your copy, including Form F, and you are only allowed to have one calendar.
Campus Security Reports
--Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph reminds students that the use of flammable materials for cooking, cleaning, or entertainment on campus, including in dormitories and in fraternity/sorority houses, is frowned upon, and could result in a citation or a disciplinary demerit.
--An envelope was found at the library on Wednesday, September 24, containing three dollars and a receipt from the Fayette Wal-Mart for Cover Girl lipstick, Purina Ferret Chow, a 12 count box of Sam’s Choice corn dogs, 5 feet of elastic (white), and a 10 ounce can of Curex spray powder. The envelope and its contents have been left at Campus Lost and Found.
--On Sunday, September 28 at 9:17 p.m., a caller to Campus Police Central Dispatch from the Jack Burns and Avery Schreiber Dormitory reported hearing a noise. The noise was described as being of a medium volume, and lasting for approximately 38 seconds. Officer Pindawhatti was dispatched to the scene and interviewed the caller. An incident report was filed.
Mr. Leroy Fuddpucker held a news conference today to announce that Fuddpucker Enterprises is endowing the General Roy E. Lee Fuddpucker Chair of Alabama Tawk. In his statement, he said he had become concerned that "y'all can't hardly understand a thang them Yankees say when they tawk" as best we were able to interpret. Dean Smith
was unavailable for comment.
Mr. Fuddpucker also announced that he is having to move his proposed graduation date to 2010 due to business commitments and a problem in Professor Yorkie's
Fuddpucker's Firearms, Shooting Range and Tanning Salon will beat any price on firearms offered by that hussy Jessie who just happens to be the Ex of Leroy Fuddpucker and who took him to the Cleaners and took the Cleaners too.
Buy a gun and we will give you free time on the Range plus for only $2.00 a round, you can shoot Leroy's very own .50 Caliber Machine Gun.
Fuddrucker's Where Real Men (and Women) Shop
As reported last week, the missing fiberglass head of Fightin’ Weevils mascot Beau Weevil is still missing.
Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph said the investigation is continuing, and is still being treated as a theft. “At this time, our investigation is continuing. We are monitoring several people, who we are not at liberty to divulge about, who we think might have been involved. Or not. But we are not calling them suspects. Right now.” Chief Randolph refused to be more specific. “I can’t say nothing else.”
When questioned about reports that the head had been seen hanging from a traffic light in Columbus, Mississippi, Chief Randolph remained tight-lipped. “I don’t know nothing about that.”
Jeanine Pendergast, a junior marketing major and Phi Mu from Hunko’s Bluff, Alabama, is the student who gives life to the beloved curculio, and she is understandably distraught. “That was, like, everything to me. And at the game Saturday, I had to use something my sisters made out of paper mache, which was just so sweet of them to make for me, but it’s still not like my real head. Every time the phone rings, I hope it’s someone calling about it. But it never is.”
Her mother, Mrs. Jewel Dean Pendergast, is shocked at what has happened to her daughter. “I am shocked at what has happened to Jeanine,” she said. “I send my baby away to a fine school and someone steals her only head. We may have to take some action ourselves.” Mrs. Pendergast would not elaborate, although her husband is a partner in the firm of Pendergast & Pluckgett, attorneys practicing in the field of real estate title research.
Another potential witness was questioned by Campus Police on Thursday last, although no new information was forthcoming.
All students and faculty are asked to contact Campus Police at ext. 4-9981 if you have any information about the perpetrators of this alleged crime.
The head is described as being a fourteen pound fiberglass replica of a boll weevil head with a three foot long proboscis. It was reported last week that Miss Pendergast had written her name in blue Sharpie marker on the back inside surface, as well as her telephone number and her dorm room number. This information was incorrectly reported, in that she used a generic blue permanent marker, more than likely produced by a company in Taiwan or Indonesia, and not one produced by the Sanford Corportation of Bellwood, IL. THE PROBOSCIS regrets this error.
Weekend Sports Wrap Up
Saturday dawned bright and breezy, and after taking the traditional Weevil Walk along the Square, The Weevil State University Fightin' Weevils entered under the sacred dome of Weevil Field
to take on the highly-touted Monks of Minot [North Dakota] Jesuit Seminary.
The game turned out to be one of marked contrasts—according to Head Coach Bull Winston, “They done some strange stuff and we tried not to.” Some of these mysterious things included the use of a no-huddle offense and exclusive use of the shotgun formation. Monks head coach Fr. Pat Slagging noted that this was done as a way to combat the string of delay of game penalties the team has suffered in past seasons from spending too much time huddled together and at the line of scrimmage, waiting for the snap.
Alas, even with a scheme of placing their quarterback well away from center, the MJS team still seemed to not be able to get it together, and went down to a hard loss of 6-3.
Fulfilling his promise of opening up the offensive game by passing, Offensive Coordinator Red Winston had quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson throw the ball every play, a total of 302 attempts with a completion percentage of 1.3, totalling 40 yards of passing offense for the Weevils. Although Jackson was intercepted 130 times, Minot State could only manage a total of –2 yards of runback yardage.
Despite the lack of a planned running offense, a bright spot was that there was a total of 78 rushing yards for Weevil State resulting from picking up balls which were fumbled and running with them. Coach [Red] Winston was upbeat about this strategy, although he does think some balance may be required. “Yeah, I think we might work on running the ball on purpose some more this week in practice.” Quarterback Coach Sonny Winston was also upbeat about Jackson’s performance, saying, “Even with his little small hands, I think he done real good. His arm hurts though.”
The Weevils managed to press close on to the Minot defenders throughout the game, although some players complained about the Monks’ style of play. Offensive left guard Tum Lummly, sophomore Gardening major from Andalusia, said the Monks were tough to play against. “They was all holding and all, and it seemed like they wanted you to fall on them and stuff. But they was real friendly, and they did like to pat us on the backend after a play and all. So I guess it was okay. They was real friendly.” That friendliness didn’t pay off for MJS, though, and through a series of defensive miscues the Fightin’ Weevils managed to slip close enough in the third quarter for two field goals.
Special Teams coach Rory Winston is pleased with the kicking game. "I am real pleased with the kicking game," he said. Freshman punter Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta, former quoit champion from the Czech Republic, was pressed into service as a place kicker for this game, after senior kicker Buddy Winston was unable to make bail. Buteriskavianiesta managed to kick the two goals cleanly through the uprights, caroming the ball off the helmets of several players, even as he could be heard saying in broken English that he wanted to go home.
Although Buteriskavianiesta was unavailable for post-game comment, Coach [Rory] Winston says the Czech kicker is very happy, “Yeah, he’s real happy. He don’t want to go back to live in ungodly Communism.” When reminded that the Czech Republic is no longer Communist dominated, Coach Winston said he knew that, but was just making conversation.
Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad managed to hold the Monks scoreless though most of the game until the last quarter when an errant pass from the Monks quarterback was actually received well into Weevil territory, setting up a 17 yard field goal by the Jesuits. It seemed to take the whole defense by surprise, “It took us all kind of by surprise,” said Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston. “They just handled the ball real good.”
Coach [Hick] Winston had noted in pregame intervies that he would try to blitz, based upon what he had learned watching his players demonstrate their talents on the popular video game, Madden Football. “We tried it, and had good luck with it,” said Coach.
Defensive strong safety Gordon Ho’oannookolou’a, 540 pound senior majoring in Locomotive Repair from American Samoa, was excited about the defense. "I was very excited about the defense," he said. “I don’t ever get to blitz, but Coach said I could, so I did.” Ho’oannookolou’a has one assist.
Weevil State University is now 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. Saturday the Fightin’ Weevils will travel to play Miskatonic University
in Arkham, Massachusetts. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are again home against Bay Minette A&M.
In other sports news, the Lady Weevils won a field hockey game.
On Tuesday afternoon at Jessie's Outdoorsman
, from 3-5 pm, a representative of Smith & Wesson will be on hand to present their latest handgun, the Model 500
- Most Powerful Production Revolver in the World Today
- Massive 500 S&W Magnum® Cartridge 2600 ft/lb. Muzzle Energy
- A Hunting Handgun For Any Game Animal Walking
- Recoil Tamed with Effective Muzzle Compensator
- Hoque Sorbathane® Recoil Absorbing Grip
- Internal Lock
The first 50 customers will receive S&W hats.
[NOTE: Since guns cannot be fired in the store, the S&W rep. will, if asked, grasp the customer's hands as the customer is holding the gun, then recreate the sound and recoil of a shot as if the customer was shooting the gun himself.]
Come by to Jessie's Outdoorsman for all of your hunting and fishing needs, particularly as we near the fall hunting season.
Remember - we will beat nearly any Fuddpuckers price.