The Proboscis
Friday, September 26, 2003
  ANNOUNCEMENT

This is to let you know about a cooperative effort by the IT, Exercise & Sports and Nutrition Departments.

The Exercise and Nutrition depts., will be offering weight loss classes and advice, to all interested faculty. This was necessitated by the IT dept. deciding that it would no longer issue laptop computers to those faculty without discernable laps.
 
  Meeting Announcement

To One of the Editors:

Since I do not know how to post to the on-line paper and since I have not been confirmed in the position of Dean of the School of Business and Several Other Things, could you make this announcement for me?
The Student Accounting Club will have remedial counting practice next Monday, in room 102 of Enron [soon to be renamed] Hall. This event is strictly BYOB. That is being your own beans.
Thanks

J. Smith, Acting Dean
School of Business and Several Other Things
Weevil State University
[The editorial staff regret to inform you that as this notice was received after 4:30 p.m. Central Time, it cannot be posted. You are requested to send all such notices prior to 4:30 p.m. Central Time to allow sufficient time to insert them into THE PROBOSCIS before Campus Police secure the office for the evening. We hope you understand, and ask your patience. We will post this notice as soon as is practicable. Ed.]

 
  Ben Affleck Buys Truck in Ga.
HINESVILLE, Ga. - For car salesman Greg Stanley, it started as a call like many other calls he gets at work: A man asking for a Dodge Ram pickup truck, with four-wheel drive.

OK, sure. We've got some on the lot. Name please?

"Ben Affleck."

Yeah, right. "And my name is George Bush," Stanley thought to himself Thursday.

He bit his tongue and treated the customer with respect, though. His colleagues had played practical jokes before, but Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, who recently postponed their plans to marry, own a home on nearby Hampton Island and they were in the area.

The man on the other end of the phone said he'd be in later that day to take a look at the vehicle.

Sure enough, Affleck AND Lopez showed up in a black Range Rover, followed by a small army of photographers: "I thought to myself, 'Both of them. Wow,'" Stanley told the Savannah Morning News for Friday's editions. [...]
This Report Sponsored by Bill Ruitermann Chrysler-Jeep-Dodge Kia Honda, who has a great selection of new 2003 and 2004 fully loaded Dodge Ram Trucks, including the exciting new SRT-10.

Bill Ruitermann Chrysler-Jeep-Dodge Kia Honda is conveniently located on the Bypass across from Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hyundai Suzuki.

Service Department open on Saturdays from 9-noon. 
  DOOFUS Meeting Notes (9/26/03):
[Dept. Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs]

After a brief prayer, we welcomed Prof. Felicity into our group. A motion was made and passed to wave the uniform requirements for her, since she has done a much better job at keeping in shape than the rest of us OF's.

- Chads vs. fill-in-the-dot(FITD): staff overwhelmingly voted for FITD, since successfully completing a ballot by FITD better matches the mental capabilities of the typical voter. Besides, it's not fair that some guy named Chad should be left hanging.

- No other decent TV stations besides TVLand and History Channel were found, except Billy Ray voting for "SpongeBob Squarepants". We reminded him (again) that that is a show and not a station. He said "Oh yeah" and then kept in the corner quietly singing the SpongeBob theme song to himself.

- It was agreed and unanimously passed that "Bennifer" was some crazy plot to sell movie tickets.

- The "yuan float or not" issue was assigned to the Monetary Subcommittee. Someone who muttered "why should we even care about those god-forsaken commies" was quickly shouted down, since without China we would not have a Wal-Mart, then where would we be?

Prayer concerns included folks recovering from Hurricane Isabel, the school shooting in Minnesota and for Pres. Bush doing something about that worthless UN. Meeting was adjourned and Jessie handed out some extra coupons he had for the Biscuit Shack. 
  Dear Editor,

I must protest your vain attempt to make me look stupid. Who needs you anyway? The Fuddpucker Slogan is" We Treat you So Many Ways, You Bound to Like Some", not what you published.

Sincerely,

Leroy Fuddpucker
Class of 2003

[The staff and faculty advisors of THE PROBOSCIS make every effort to reprint material used as advertisments in exactly the same manner in which it is presented to us. Material which arrives in an electronic format is reprinted verbatim. In Mr. Fuddpucker's case, as is the case with his father and mother, his brothers, his sisters, his uncles and aunts, and the remainder of the extended Fuddpucker family, we have tried in vain for over thirty years while publishing our paper version to reach an accomodation regarding their rather interesting use of English. We have asked for on numerous occasions camera-ready copy to be proofed and approved by the family, only to have complaints arise after publication.

The staff of THE PROBOSCIS value our readers and our advertisers, but there is only so much we can do to correct problems of this nature. While not wishing to turn down any source of revenue for our paper, nor offend a major donor to the University, we would be happy to recommend other publications which might do a better job of satisfying your rather demanding tastes, Mr. Fuddpucker, et al., such as The Fayette Observer-Herald, the Lubbub Mascot, The Pickens County Age-Excelsior, or The Tombigbee Dime. Ed.]
 
  Football Action

The Weevil State University Fightin' Weevils will be taking on the Monks of Minot [North Dakota] Jesuit Seminary on Saturday at Weevil Field. Kickoff is scheduled for 11:30 a.m.

Coach Bull Winston says he has been pleased with practices this week, "I have been pleased," he said. Offensive Coordinator Red Winston will be using a variation of the single wing which was used during the first game of the season against Moore's Bridge Barber College to such devastating effect. "I figure if we can score some points, and the other side don't, we should be okay," said Coach [Red] Winston.

Quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson has been working hard all week on fumble recoveries and throwing the ball. Quarterbacks Coach Sonny Winston says, "Yeah, he can throw it a real long ways, and we haven't done no whole lot of throwing this year, since his hands is so little and all. But we're going to throw it some Saturday."

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad will continue to build on their past success in the game against the Central North Community College Peccaries this past weekend. "I got one of them boys to show me that Madden Football game, and there's really some good stuff in there," he said. "I think we might do some of that blitzing and we might not. It's still up in the air." He did note that the Monks do seem to have trouble breaking huddle, and their quarterback has been flagged countless times for delay of game while standing under center. "I don't know why that might be," said Coach [Hick] Winston, "but it might be something we can capitalize on. Or not."

Nose guard Lucius Roosevelt, a junior majoring in Hotel and Motel Artwork Acquisition from Luverne, Alabama, is excited about hosting the Monks. "I am very excited," he said.

Special Teams coach Rory Winston is pleased with the kicking game. "I am real pleased with the kicking game," he said. "We are averaging about 30 yards per punt, which I think is pretty good." Freshman punter Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta from the Czech Republic has been mastering both a new language and a new skill, coming as he does, from a background in quoits. "Is hard, no? I no understand and wish going home now."

Weevil State University is currently third place in the Great South USA American South Conference, and will play Miskatonic University next week in Arkham, Massachusetts. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are again home against Bay Minette A&M. 
  A note from the Marching Weevils drum major:

Members of the Marching Weevils band will be performing at the Weevil Walk in Fuddpucker's Square on Saturday, to rally support for the football team. Everyone turn out to cheer on the Weevils! 
  Dear Editor,

Auburn has its Toomer's Corner and WSU has it Fuddpucker's Square which makes us at least twiced as good as Auburn or would that be four times as good but then there was that unfortunate incident with the Fuddpucker Construction Company bulldozer which made a street across the center of the square where the statue of my esteemed ancestor General Roy Lee Fuddpucker, CSA, used to stand so maybe we are eight times as good since the Square now has eight corners if you count those at either end of Roy Lee Fuddpucker Memorial Drive.

Just wanted to remind the all WSU students of our heritage and mention that all the Fuddpucker businesses on the Square are having sales this weekend including Fuddpucker's Tattoo, Piercing and Small Engine Repair which is offering 20% off to our WSU family. Come on down and let Clovis show you how it is done.

"We Treat You So Many Way, You Bound to Like Some"

Sincerely,

Leroy Fuddpucker
Class of 2009

[Editor Note: Mr. Fuddpucker, we have chosen to run this letter, but be advised that staff consider it to be more in the vein of paid advertisment. You will be invoiced at the regular rate.] 
  PAID ADVERTISEMENT

Fuddpucker's Gifts, #1 North Square, has received a shipment of brass weevils which we are offering at $50 each. With your WSU 10% discount, the price is $47.50.  
  ANNOUNCEMENTS

There will be a pep rally at the stadium this afternoon at 3 o'clock.

The Army ROTC Pershing Rifles Drill Team will be performing a precision drill with fixed bayonets during the pep rally.

For the football players, the stadium is the big house with the nice, big bathrooms where you go on Saturdays.

Cards and flowers may be sent to ROTC Cadet Corporal Eddie Jones in room 202 at County Hospital. He is recovering good from that bayonet wound.

Coach Bull Winston want to thank all WSU students for supporting the team, but says he thinks that "nyah, nyah, nyah, so long song" is supposed to be sung when the Weevils are winning.

The director of auxillary services says that all dorms and cafeterias will close this afternoon at 4:00 because of a water outage. They are expected to reopen October 1. He hopes this is not an inconvenience for anyone.

 
  Our Anniversary

Hard as it may be to believe, it has now been fully one entire week since the online version of our campus newspaper has gone "on line" (to use the lingo of the "Information Superhighway").

Some believed it would not last--that no venture of this sort would ever succeed. The staff are to be commended on throwing that bit of naysaying into the dustbin.

Many said that such a bold move would damage the fine reputation of the beloved paper version of Weevil State's weekly, but the staff believes with it collective heart that such is not the case, and that this version continues to uphold the high quality and hard hitting journalism that has always graced the august gray pages of its paper brother.

One of the benefits of publishing a daily online journal of this type, a format called a "BLOG" (Internet slang for "web log") is that it allows the staff to more closely follow campus events--we are able to press our fingers to the pulsing jugular of Weevil State University and instantaneously determine its heart rate and health, and interact as never before to create dynamic synergies and stories which resonate.

Another benefit over the paper, weekly version is that THE PROBOSCIS is now "interactive", in that readers may comment on stories and ask questions that may be pertinent to others. This has allowed an entirely new level of dynamism and inclusiveness and diversity, along with other synergies, which have not yet even begun to be explored in full.

Where will this all lead?

We do not know, but the staff is certain that if we continue to shine the light, the people will find their way.

In conclusion, we wish to thank all of our readers and the Journalism Department of Weevil State University for making this all possible. 
  Sunday Service
Services at the Weevil Student Chapel (located in the basement of De Soto Hall) begin at 10 am with a time of fellowship. Church coffee and Little Debbies will be served. Worship service starts at 11 am. Pastor Raster will continue his series in Prosperity with the topic of "God Wants to Bless You Real Good". 
Thursday, September 25, 2003
  Weevil State Film Series

University Services will be presenting the weekly midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" Friday night at 8:30 p.m. and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" Saturday at 7:45 p.m. Student admission is $1, faculty and staff admission is $2.50. Student I.D. required.

Campus Police Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reminds all patrons that due to security concerns, the wearing of any mask, head covering, or helmet which obscures any portion of the face or head above the lower jawline is prohibited. 
  First Official Google Hit for THE PROBOSCIS!!

According to our software, at 9:21:37 September 25, THE PROBOSCIS received its first non-staff related Google hit.

A visitor using the German-interface version of Google typed in malted beverage -beer -ale hick*, and visited THE PROBOSCIS as a result!

To add to the excitement at the editorial offices, THE PROBOSCIS was the only returned search result--a Googlewhack the first time out!!

The staff is to be congratulated for their fine work, and for this momentous accolade. We also wish to say Merci to our good German visitor for visiting the finest online campus newpaper in the world.

(Which, it might be added, looks really cool in German!) 
  Professor Yorkie announces new course assignment

Students enrolled in Professor Yorkie's Advanced Placement poetry course are instructed to go to this site, pick any poem featured, and write an essay, in 500 words or less, explaining how it made you feel. Extra credit for the credible use of words like "coherence," "tension," and "modalities." Points deducted for the use of words like "dynamic," "paradigm," and "sensibility." All essays are due no later than September 30; grades will be posted on the bulletin board in the Sylvia Plath Student Recreational Center within one week. 
  Faculty Retreat

Dean First has requested that all those faculty who will be attending the Faculty Retreat please contact him at first opportunity to discuss transportation to Biloxi. In addition, he requests that anyone who has not sent in his or her money please do so as soon as possible in order to reserve the block of rooms at the PlayerAdvantage room rate and obtain discount chips.

The Provost's Office reminds all faculty that no University funds may be used for purchasing casino chips, alcoholic beverages, escort service, or lap dances without prior approval from the Office of the Comptroller. The $3,000 per diem does not cover tips or vending machine items.

Contact Dean First at ext. 29 to confirm your seat. 
  Paid Advertisement

Fuddpucker's Used Books and Bait Shop is pleased to announce that we have received a shipment of nearly new .30 caliber Enfield Rifles which we are offering at $150.00 each to WSU students, staff and faculty.

This week, we are also offering a special on barely used note paper.

Fuddpucker's Used Books and Bait Shop on the Square for your shopping convenience.

Remember Fuddpucker's Shooting Range and Tackle Store on Boozer Road after you get your rifle.

Brought to you by Fuddpucker's Drug and Pawn, 1 South Square. Home of the Original Fuddpucker's Shake. 
  Programming Note

Weevil State University’s WEEV Radio is pleased to announce the addition of DJ Ho-dawgZ to its afternoon lineup, hosting “The Ernest Tubb Bluegrass Hour” weekdays from 2:14 p.m. to 4:54 p.m.

Also, the station is seeking any interested students wishing to host the “Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hyundai Suzuki Fishing Music Show”, airing weeknights from 10:03 p.m. to 11:15 p.m. Interested students will be allowed the use of a 2000 Hyundai Excel while on campus. Contact WEEV at ext. 9338 (WEEV). 
  Event Announcement

The Campus Committee To End World Hunger Strikes will be sponsoring an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Steer Inn at Exit 1 on the Northern Bypass. Tickets are $25 and may be purchased by calling Committee chair Fred Pleaner in Dorm D at ext. 2312.

Proceeds from the event will be used to combat hunger strikes in all parts of the world. 
  DOOFUS Meeting Announcement:
[Dept. Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs]

All current and potential staff members are urged to attend a meeting at Skeeters Fillin' Station (corner of Oak and Sixth) at 10 am Friday. [NOTE: Skeeter says he ain't extendin' credit to nobody, none, so if you want a cold drank you gotta pay for your RC Cola before you open it.] You may want to bring a chair, see'n as how there's only two chairs and a small drum to sit on. Or you can just stand if you like.

After a brief administrative rundown (nah, that don't mean you Chancellor Terry!) the following topics will be discussed and assigned to subcommittees:
1. Chads vs. fill-in-the-dot
2. What other decent TV stations are there besides TVLand and History Channel?
3. Bennifer - what the heck is that?
4. Let the yuan float or not

Lunch will be at the Biscuit Shack, unless someone has a better idea.

Please refer any questions to Dean Spud - 555-1212 
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
  It has been brought to the editorial staff's attention that we were not real clear about Leroy Fuddpucker. Leroy is a student at WSU who says he will graduate in 2009. Apparently some folks got the idea that Leroy is a Professor here who graduated in 1909. Sorry about the Y2K problem.

ED. 
  From the Marketing Staff

Since going online on Friday, the staff of THE PROBOSCIS are pleased to see that we have had visitors from across this great earth of ours. From our special counting software, we see that we have had 2 visitors each from Australia, South Africa, and Canada, as well as 1 apiece from the Netherlands and New Zealand.

We would like to take this opportunity to apologize to these readers.

Alternately, if you were not offended, we would like to mention the special Weevil State University Distance Learning Institute, whereby all you foreign types may earn degrees in such exciting fields as Advanced Sitting, Embroidery, Mechanical Engineering, Applied Nuclear Power, and Ornamental Lawn Trimming.

Please contact the WSUDLI office at extension 1239 for a full course catalog. (No collect calls, please.) 
  From the Office of the Chancellor

The Chancellor's Office has received the following proposed addition to the organization of Weevil State University. In accordance with the established bylaws and charter of Weevil State, this notice has been acknowledged by the Chancellor, and will be forwarded to the Board of Regents for action.

As is also required by Title XLVII, Subparagraph 8(c)1, this proposed change is being published in "an approved campus-wide publication" as well as on THE PROBOSCIS, to allow public comment and input before the Board of Regents acts on this matter, to whit:
Office of the Chancellor
Suite 213 Old Main
Weevil State University
39761 East South Boulevard
Weevil Station, AL

September 24, 2003

Dear Mr. Chancellor:

It is with great excitement and anticipation that I would like to propose the following for inclusion in the Weevil State University system:
Department Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs (DOOFUS) - Preserving tradition and dishing out scowls [The department will be devoted to establishing the best community standards and social institutions, determining how new-fangled ways have gotten us into the trouble that we're in, and advocating old-fashioned common sense solutions.]

Qualifications for staff position:

1. Uniform: pants over belly, faded flannel shirt, white socks and beat-up brogans. Suspenders optional.

2. Can still remember - changing the channel/volume by walking to the TV and turning a dial, properly handling a vinyl LP, not having to worry about kids looking at a magazine rack, listening to AM radio for popular music.

3. Know the difference between Bear and Lane Bryant.

4. Consider M&M still a candy and not rap-noise.

5. Possess underwear old enough to be well into teenage years.

6. Eating out means not standing in line or spending more than $6 on overcooked vegetables, done and back home by 5 pm for 2 hours of news.

7. Support the movement in eliminating formulaic classic rock stations.

8. Recite the words to the "Bonanza" theme song.

9. Give a consistent groan/grunt when getting up from a chair.
Please accept my application for WSU - DOOFUS Chief Curmudgeon. Besides meeting the above list, the following sums up my qualifications:

- Diego de Velazquez was a Spanish conquistador (second voyage by Columbus) and the first governor of Cuba in 1520 (De Soto the dashing young conquistador was made governor of Cuba by Emperor Charles V after DdV), and a different Diego Velazquez was the royal court painter for Spain in the mid 17th century

- De Soto traveled through North Carolina before heading to Alabama

- Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition!

- Diligently training in DOOFUS for over a decade, accredited by many fine institutions

+-+-+

I realize that Chief Curmudgeon is a tempting position, but as Chancellor you have your hands full administering campus services. I'm trying to get my name in and approved before others hear of this plum assignment.

As for Prof. Fuddpucker [sic], you can probably give him one of those "emeritus" titles. My salary and housing demands will be slight, depending on the
loose change in your pocket from the monument sales.

Yours ever so humbly,
Sr. Marc Velazquez WSU '56
The Chancellor's Office has issued a Memorandum of Recommendation to the Board of Regents asking that the DOOFUS Department be added to the University, as well as the addition of Senor Velazquez as Department Overlord and Chief Curmudgeon.

All interested parties are urged to submit their comments to the Office of the Chancellor prior to 2:00 p.m. on Tuesday, September 23, 2003.
 
  Recently, we have received a couple of letters from Leroy Fuddpucker, Class of '09 (yeah, right). For you frosh who have not met Leroy, he has been a fixture here since about 1960. You may mistake him for one of the more far-out Professors, but that would be an error and you could be seriously led astray. Leroy knows where everything on Campus is except the classrooms. It is rumored that he has an in on the best prices on beer and Moonpies so be sure to stay away from him.

The Editor 
 

From the Editor

The Editors of the Proboscis wish to apologize to their readers for the unintentional inclusion of actual information of an informative and/or educational nature. The article on the 9th Circuit, submitted by Professor Yorkie, was unapproved and slipped past our editorial staff. (We understand that Yorkies are sneaky that way.) We recognize that the mission of The Proboscis has nothing whatsoever to do with the 9th Circuit, or with providing actual information of a useful sort, and we apologize to our readers for any inconvenience this may have caused. 
  Dear Editor,

That post on the courts in California or wherever was informative.

Cut it out!

If I wanted to learn anything, I would attend class now and then.

Sincerely,

Leroy Fuddpucker
Class of '09

P.S.: Can you post directions to the classrooms just in case I take the notion? 
 

Reversals

James Joyner links to some very interesting information about the 9th Circuit, including the following:
[...] [O]n the whole, the 9th Circuit's rulings accounted for more reversals this past term than all the state courts across the country combined and represented nearly half of the overturned judgments (45%) of the federal appellate courts. [emphasis mine]
Yup. The most reversed court in the land.

I seem to recall hearing Ted Kennedy -- perhaps during the Ashcroft confirmation hearings -- holler about the importance of American "mainstream" thinking, and how anyone outside that "mainstream" was on the fringe of American life. More and more, we are seeing that the American people can't be lumped into convenient little boxes, and what some folks consider "mainstream" others consider off the wall. It is unprecedented for a court to order the cancellation or postponment of an election -- an election that technically had already started, because of the thousands of absentee ballots already mailed in -- on the basis that some voters might be disenfranchised. It would be a whole other matter if the suit had been brought after the election on the basis that some voters had in fact been disenfranchised.

We have a judicial system that is becoming more and more politically active:
[...] These continuing negative trends are certainly not reflective of the competency of the 9th Circuit's entire bench, which includes some of the most respected appellate judges in the country. It is, however, indicative of a judicial philosophy to which some 9th Circuit judges adhere. Specifically, in pursuing political and policy preferences at the expense of established precedent and textual commands, some 9th Circuit judges seem to invite review and reversal by the U.S. Supreme Court. [...] [emphasis mine]
I think we are in danger of ceding unthinkable political power to our judicial system, a kind of power that the Framers never intended. I am not smart enough to know what the answer is. Anyone out there care to weigh in and educate me? 
  Informational Notice

Due to several anonymous notes placed in Professor Bear's Faculty mailbox, she will answer what appears to be a burning [well, smoldering] question. What, precisely, is ESLS?

ESLS stands for English as a Second Language for Southerners.

Most people here at the great Weevil State University speak what we, in the Languages Department, refer to, quaintly, as a mild variant patois of English. However, those not of our heritage still insist that our speech patterns, usage, and vocabulary are only remotely related to "The Queen's English", which concept is both repugnant and defamatory. Nevertheless, since our goal at WSU is to welcome all to our midst, indoctrinating them gently to our ways, ESLS is our way of accommodating them by speaking in their tongue: bilingual education, as it were.

We do hope this clears up any misunderstandings, total lack of comprehension, or other kinds of confusion.
 
  Debate Announcement

The Weevil State University Chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism is proud to announce that it will be sponsoring a debate between the ten current potential Democratic candidates for President.

Thad “Wolvenslay” Bointnut, WSUSCA Chapter President and a freshman majoring in Lead Smelting, told this reporter that he is very excited. “I am very, very, very, real excited about this opportunity to get all of these great candidates together to discuss what’s so important to each of us as we dwell here in the Shire of Craggy Cahddargh.”

Bointnut has sent invitations to each of the candidate’s election committees, and reports a very impressive response rate. “My varlet Knute [Bob Smith, 08Pre-law] and I sent out a nice invitation that we did over at Kinkos, and so far we’re hoping for a big bunch of them.”

As of this date, only Senator Bob Graham (D-FL) has responded, expressing his regrets, and two other invitations were sent back for postage. “That was Meadowmoon’s [Gina Boudreaux, Latex Science] fault, because it was her job to lick the stamps, and she said she did, but I don’t think she did.”

Bointnut said he is hopeful the candidates will address some of the concerns of his group. “I have been pushing for months now to get someone to talk to us about instituting some sort of FDA requirements for mead. We really can’t get good mead, and it ruins the whole mood. I also want them to talk about instituting some sort of medieval arts training in elementary schools, because I know how much I would have liked that.”

Asked why the SCA chapter is promoting this debate, Bointnut said, “Well, it just seems to fit—all of the candidates seem to really firm grasp of the past.” Bointnut was asked whom he will support in the election. “Well, it’s really too early to say, but I kind of like Clark, because he was in the military, and I figure he knows how to handle a sword pretty good. And Dean, because he’s like some kind of a Berserker or something. I don’t know.”

The debate is scheduled for Sunday, October 19, 2003 at 7:00 p.m. in Classroom 512 of the Ted McGinley Annex. Tickets are $5, with all proceeds going to replenish the Shire's supply of aluminum foil and to pay for the refreshments.  
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
  From the School of Art:

Dean Mizell is pleased to invite the students, faculty, and staff of WSU, as well as the general public, to the opening of a new exhibition at the Weevil State University Center for the Arts this Thursday evening at 5 o'clock PM, followed by a barbeque reception. This exhibition is the first of the year and is titled "Concrete Blocks as Art and Architecture."

Our keynote speaker will be Professor Mary-Ellen Walker-Johnson, from the East Alabama School of Art and Design, who will give a short presentation on the uses of concrete blocks in both art and everyday life; various other faculty members will also speak on their personal experiences in this medium. The highlight piece of the exhibit is "Car on the Blocks," a dynamic arrangement of a 1969 Nova and four stacks of concrete blocks, by WSU's very own Professor James "Bubba" Norris.

For those interested, Professor Walker-Johnson will give a hands-on demonstration on concrete block stacking techniques at the reception, so dress is casual. Also, please bring a covered dish, preferably homemade potato salad or coleslaw, with you to the reception. We look forward to seeing you Thursday at 5PM! 
  Reference Letter from Mr. Leroy Fuddpucker:

The Proboscis is a free publication. Read or not. I don't rightly care.

Ed. 
  Dear Editor,

As President of the Preserve Our Southern Society's Own Moonpies (POSSUM) Association, I must protest you running the help wanted ad for someone to commit the sacrilege of frying that perfect food, that apex of paragoness, the Moonpie.

Please cancel my subscription to "The Proboscis" and return the rest of my subscription money.

Sincerely,

Leroy Fuddpucker
Class of '09 
 

Employment Opportunity: Sats. 10-6, Suns. 2-6, Fried Moon Pie concession at Arrow's Go-Kart Track, Miller Rd. Call Frank at cell 318-7982. 

  Campus Security Reports

--Campus Police answered a call on the night of the 22nd about a cat seen walking near the Carillon.

Officer Cho reports that at least one student witnessed the cat near the front door of the Carillon. The cat was described as being mottled brown and white, with a tail.

--Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph reminds all students that they are to park in their designated lots--Seniors and resident juniors may use Lot B on Mondays and Thursdays, with approved passes, except on Rush Week in August and during Founder's Day celebrations in March. On Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Sundays, they may park in Lots B or F, without special passes. All other days, except home game days, they may park in designated Green Zones, as long as they have a Green Zone Permit.

Freshmen and sophomores, whether resident or off-campus dwelling, may only park in Lot 5 or Brown Zones on Wednesdays. Tuesdays and Fridays, resident freshmen may not park on campus without an approved White Area Exception, or unless otherwise permitted. Remote Lot 1 and Green (B) Zones can be used at all times, between 7 a.m. and noon. Game day parking will be at North Main Lot 1, Aisles 45-47. Mondays and after-hours, all lots designated by Code F signs can be used, unless otherwise noted.

Shuttle riders may park at Old Barker, or at New Barker, on any even numbered days, including game days. Any student riding a shuttle must still purchase a Red Zone sticker and hangtag. These must be displayed at all times on the left front and right rear bumpers, and on the inside rearview mirror. Odd numbered days, shuttle riders may park only at Old Barker, except for theater majors, who may choose to park at Lot 15, if they have a Blue pass.

Graduate students MUST use Graduate Brown Zone--E-2 while on campus, unless prior approval is granted by department head, and only in such cases where research is being done on federally-funded projects. In these instances, a Research Work Parking Permit may be obtained, which allows parking in A Areas, B Areas, and Lot 15 on alternating days, and in all Blue Transportation Lots on Saturdays.

All on-campus fraternities, sororities, clubs, and organizations which have allocated buildings and parking spaces MUST comply with University Parking Regulations 16 (c) 2, whether or not classes are in session.

Parking passes may be obtained at Central Security between the hours of 6:30 a.m. and 7:10 a.m. Monday through Tuesday. Please call ext. 245 for more information.

--A shoe was found outside of the Ethel Merman Dormitory. Please come by the Student Union Lost and Found to claim it. You will be required to give a description of the shoe. 
Monday, September 22, 2003
  From the School of Music:

Rehearsals for the Marching Weevil Band will be held from 8:00 - 9:00 am, Monday through Friday. (We are fully aware that none of you will have class at this time, seeing as how sane persons do not schedule classes before 10:00.) Please report to the large field in front of the administrative building, and don't forget to bring your instruments. Also, the percussion section is looking for someone to play kazoo in the pit. 
  Administrative Announcement

Professor Bear is pleased to announce that there will also be a special session of her Intersession Intensive Consolidated Section ESLS course restricted to Faculty Members. This is being done at the request of a few of them, as they are having to deal with students from other parts of this fair country of ours. Accommodation to those strangers is one of our hallmarks, so it is being done as soon as possible. No other hallmarks are permitted, of course, as the Maintenance Budget is already overdrawn.
 
  NEWS ALERT...

Highway Blocked by 800 Baby Pigs

Students are urged to remain calm, since this event is taking place in Oklahoma. All roads leading to and from campus remain open and passable. 
  Sports Wrap Up

This past Saturday saw another great conference contest between Weevil State’s Fightin’ Weevils and the Peccaries of Central Northside Community College, as CNCC went down to defeat 2-0 in a titanic defensive struggle.

Coach Bull Winston noted that the Peccaries have been improving all year, and certainly showed the Weevils a thing or two in the trenches. “They really showed us a thing or two,” said Coach.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston said that he has been working the boys hard all week in ball handling. “Turnovers hurt us bad,” he said. But he did not blame the offense for the lack of power, “Like Coach Bryant always said, when we win, it’s the players; and when we lose, it’s my fault.” He also noted, “Me and Sonny [Winston, quarterbacks coach] are going to be real sure and work more with D’Wontavius [Jefferson, sophomore, Building Demolition major] on throwing the ball. We need to throw it.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston fared a bit better in the post-game assessment, although the broken play by the Peccaries that led to the third quarter safety was not something that had been planned. “No, we don’t generally get nothing like that, so it’s not something we really know that much about doing, but I think the boys might have kind of instinct-like known what to do from playing Madden Football.” Coach Nock Winston, calling plays from the press box, said it was interesting to watch, and caused him to spill his coffee.

The Peccaries, held scoreless now for the past 34 quarters in a row did put together 23 drives, but were stymied by turnovers, penalties, and injuries. The safety came late in the third quarter when the Peccaries were threatening on the Weevil 49 yard line, as CNCC quarterback Narm Philocronitus lost his grip on the ball after the snap. The ball was jostled back and forth among several players, including Weevil’s strong safety, number 97, Seabhum Loodernaught. “I touched it right when I got to their 35, and then someone hit me,” he said. Finally, the ball tumbled into the end zone, and with lightning presence of mind, Jeff Florestore, defensive end, tripped on his shoelace and fell on the ball, securing the safety and the win for Weevil State.

Weevil State rises to third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. Next week we will be hosting the Monks of the Minot Jesuit Seminary, Minot, ND.

In other sports, the Lady Weevils won something. 
  Beau Needs Your Help

Fightin' Weevils mascot "Beau Weevil" needs your help.

During the fourth quarter of Saturday's game, junior marketing major Jeanine Pendergast, who gives life to our beloved mascot, had briefly removed her head to take a drink. "I had ordered a Vanilla Coke from Tommy [Houderplow, senior, Radio Playing major], who was working the stand," she said.

"I put my head down, and when I turned back around, it was gone."

No one in the area had witnessed anything, including Mrs. Renelle Todd, visiting her son Wilmont at Weevil State. "I didn't see anything at all," Mrs. Todd said.

Campus Police are investigating the disappearance as a theft. Chief Tommy "T.R." Randolph says that he has at least two suspects he has been watching very closely, although he declined to elaborate. "We see this as an attempt by others, who I will not say anything about, to maybe make some kind of trouble or something, but nothing I can really say too much about," said Chief Randolph. Asked if anyone has ever made any sort of threat against the mascot, Chief Randolph declined to comment, "I can't tell you anything like that." He did not discount the possibility of prosecuting the alleged suspects under the USA Patriot Act.

The head, a fourteen pound fiberglass replica of a boll weevil head with a three foot long proboscis, has Miss Pendergast's name written in blue Sharpie marker on the back inside surface, as well as her telephone number and her dorm room number. She requests that if found, please do not call her or come by her dorm, but turn it back in to the Spirit Room. 
  At Thursday's faculty Senate meeting, Coach Bull Winston requested that WSU consider shortening the WSU to just W. He said some of his football players have problems with big words. Doctor Zamboni, head of the English Department, said that it was time to raise the admission standards which got Coach Winston telling about how he was hired to coach the Weevil State football team because he and the great Bear Bryant were hunting buddies and he knows what is best for his players. Before he could get to the part about how he came by his name, someone suggested the issue needed to be studied before any farther discussion.

The Bull's request was tabled for more information. 
  Do we have a Homecoming Weekend arranged?
And why is Dean Possum's name not listed on the faculty list? 
  Administrative Announcement

Professor Bear announces that, due to overenrollment, all sections of the Winter Semester ESLS course have been closed. If there is sufficient interest, an Intersession Intensive Consolidated Section will be instituted to fill the gap between the Football Schedule and the starting phase of the leadup to March Madness to accommodate the fine athletes of our University.

Find your way to the Administration Building to sign up. The Map of the Campus is posted in the Lobby of the Administration Building for those that have not left the Athletic Field House on any prior occasion.
 
 

Regarding the bake sale, in the interest of keeping our campus drug-free, Dean Possum is strictly enforcing the ban on brownies after that unfortunate incident last semester. The rocky road brownies contributed by Zim Callahan last spring were proved to contain traces of THC by the chemistry department after customers complained of the taste. Zim Callahan was indefinitely suspended despite his protests that his brownies contained "Nothin' but that crappy Canadian stuff".

Also, Pop-Tarts, Hostess and Miss Debbie products are not considered appropriate for the sale.  

Sunday, September 21, 2003
  Business School Note: Dean Smith has asked that all students participating in the Bake Sale and Gun Cleaning on Saturday please remember to sign up in the office for the baked good you will be bringing, and to let the secretary know if you have an extra bottle of CLP. 
  FOR SALE: 1968 VW Baja. Great campus car, cheap to buy and operate.  
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