The Proboscis
Thursday, October 02, 2003

In a stunning turn of events, last evening at approximately 10:45 p.m., a combined 300-man Counter-Terror Task Force made up of federal, state, county, local, and campus police, as well as agents from the FBI, ATF, and UPS, along with a company of military police assigned to the Grinder’s Switch National Guard armory, acting on an anonymous tip, converged on the grounds of Howard Morris Dormitory and arrested one Thaddeus Maurice Bointnut, a freshman in the Weevil State Lead Smelting program.

Bointnut, aged 19, from Loachapoka, Alabama, and Chapter President of the Weevil State University chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism, was arrested on suspicion of theft of property, specifically the head of famed Weevil State mascot, Beau Weevil.

Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph said he hopes this sends a message, “I hope this sends a message that you can’t just go around taking things that aren’t yours.”

Bointnut protested his innocence, saying he was being persecuted for attempting to interfere with last night’s League of Weevil Voters presidential debate. Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph discounted this idea, noting that he had received a tip fair and square, and that nobody would accuse a student unless he were really guilty. It is worth noting that the fiberglass weevil head was not found in his dorm room or otherwise in his possession.

“We are not concerned about that,” said Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, “we believe after questioning the alleged thief that he will confess.”

Although the missing article did not turn up, Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph did note that other items had been seized during the raid, “We confiscated a replica of a Scottish Claymore sword, and a mace.”

The sword, which appeared to this reporter to be an accurate copy made from corrugated cardboard and aluminum foil, as well as the mace, which was constructed from a large Styrofoam ball with cone-shaped paper drinking cups glued to it, are, according to Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, “just a part of the terrifyingly dangerous arsenal of Medieval role-playing articles which members of these groups collect. Any one of them could cause an eye to be jabbed, possibly even leading to partial vision loss. That’s why we had to use the pepper spray and the Taser on him.”

Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph also noted that the suspect occasionally uses an alias. “Yeah, he calls himself Wolvenslay, which is really violent sounding. We don’t know what he could be up to. Not that I can talk any more about that.”

Other items confiscated in the raid include the hard drive from Bointnut’s computer, three issues of Maxim magazine, a medicine bottle with unidentified pills, a series of lewd 12th Century Flemish woodcut prints, $200 in cash, and two cans of Cel-Ray.

Reached for comment, the University Chancellor stated that he was relieved this matter now seemed to be coming to a close, “I am relieved, but I must ask that all other questions be directed to the Office of Student Affairs or to Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph.”

The Office of Student Affairs was reached this morning, and had no comment.

Jeanine Pendergast, the student who for the past two weeks has had to lead the spirit section without her head, was also relieved, “I am, like, so relieved,” she said.

Students who know Bointnut are coming forward to his defense. Thomas “Digger” Clummber, a freshman in Porcine Husbandry said, “I don’t think he did it, but if he did they ought to fry him.” Another student, sophomore Mitzi Beaumont, a KA Little Sister from Evergreen, Alabama, knew the suspect. “He was sort of a loner, I suppose. He was always talking like he lived back in the Dark Ages or something. He was kind of creepy.”

Bointnut is being held in the Town of Weevil Station jail on $10,000,000 bond. 
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