The Proboscis
Friday, October 17, 2003
  Sports Talk

The air has turned crisp here in the scrub pine barrens somewhere south of Fayette, another perfect weekend for the Fightin’ Weevils to strut their football prowess.

Head Coach Bull Winston’s boys will be hosting the Pedagogues of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute this week, and despite continued turmoil within the athletic department over allegations of misogynistic misdeeds involving coarse Yankee magdalens, Coach has been hard at work all week with the squad.

Still speaking to THE PROBOSCIS through an intermediary due to impending court action, Coach Winston was upbeat and hopeful, and feeling good about this week’s work, “I feel good,” he is quoted as saying.

He also relays to us that he is heartened by the return of team trainer Luther Winston to the sideline after he was discharged from HealthSouth Central Southwest South TriCounty Regional Medical Clinic.

The wounds he received in his buttocks from his previous experience with a discharge (that being in the form of bird shot) appeared to this reporter to have begun healing nicely. [Luther] Winston must still make use of an inflatable cushion to sit properly, however, and has had difficulty finding anyone willing to gently blow on his wounds when they are doused with merthiolate. “That really does sting a whole heap,” he said.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston has been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson all week. “We come up with a way to get around them small hand of his,” said [Red] Winston. “We figure we’ll try letting him throw the ball some again, but this time we come up with a two-handed way of doing it so’s he can get more contact with the ball.” Coach [Red] Winston does allow that the stance and method of delivery do appear rather complicated. “Yeah, he looks kind of funny, but with them small hands and all…Anyway, it’s just a bunch of schoolmarms we’re playing anyway.”

(Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, a bastion of teacher training within this state since 1817, is unique in the Great South USA American South Conference in that its roster is predominately female.)

In other offensive news, Coach [Red] Winston said he was very pleased to have played a small part in convincing 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg to swear off his proposed stomach stapling surgery, “I think them 1-inch shingle staples is what brung him around.” Joe Lee, a junior majoring in Dressmaking Science, also credits the lure of the Big 32 from the Steer Inn on the Bypass as helping to make his decision easier. “Coach [head coach Bull Winston] said he’d buy me one of them big steaks they got and I done eat it up this afternoon.” Smattersberg says he does not think the meal will slow him down any, “No,” he said.

Running back Terdin Glummen of Opp, Alabama, a freshman majoring in Hammering Technology, said he wants to do good this week, “I want to do good,” he said.

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad is looking forward to tangling with the Pedagogues this week. “We’re looking forward to playing that silly bunch of girls,” he said. “I ain’t even going to turn on my Madden Football game—I got to save my batteries anyway, and I really don’t think we got much to worry about.”

Defensive end Bob Smith, a 110 pound senior majoring in Ornamental Animal Science from Taipei, Taiwan said he was looking forward to hosting the Teachers, “I’m looking forward to playing with them,” he said through an interpreter.

Special Teams coach Rory Winston reports that Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta, the world’s most famous Czech Olympic quoits champion and backup kicker, has finally recovered from his outbreak of monkeypox, and will once again be stepping into the shoes of starting kicker Buddy Winston, who was arrested by state police in Columbus, Mississippi for operating his motor vehicle at speeds in excess of posted limits.

Speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via telephone from the Columbus jail, Buddy, a senior majoring in Pharmaceutical Sales Technology, says he is innocent of the charges. “They said I was going 125, but I know it had to be closer to 150 because I just got through putting on a new nitrous system.” [Buddy] Winston owns a 1978 Firebird Formula, with a blueprinted HO-455 engine, Doug Nash 5 speed, and a 12 bolt Posi rear end.

Weevil State University is 3-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The Fightin’ Weevils will be taking on cross-state-line rivals Noxubee River (Mississippi) College of the Big American 7-South US Conference on October 25.  
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