The Proboscis
Friday, October 10, 2003
  Sadness Strikes Campus

It is with deep regret that the Weevil State family mourn the loss of Professor N. Clusive, Senior Scholar in the Department of Something Extremely Trendy.

Long an advocate for diversity and social tolerance, Professor Clusive was discovered in his office at 8:39 this morning. In a sad irony, he had been crushed underneath a collection of Che Guevara stone busts currently on loan to the University from the Museo de la Revolucion in Havana, Cuba.

Fortunately, none of the busts suffered any damage in the accident.

Campus Police Chief Thomas “T.R.” Randolph was the first on the scene, and described it as a terrible tragedy. “It was a terrible tragedy,” he said.

Professor Clusive, who most recently called the administration to task over the time-honored and traditional titles used in the Mr. and Miss Weevil contest, was lauded as a gentle soul and tireless worker. The Chancellor’s Office released the following statement:
We are deeply saddened by this untimely crushing of one of our proud and distinguished faulty members.

Although often at odds with the Administration, it is important to note the contributions made to the University by Professor Clusive, and justly remember him as a person of great intellect and spirit.

The University administration, faculty, staff, and student body extend to his memory a tender and heartfelt farewell.
Memorials in Professor Clusive’s honor may be made to the Re-Elect George Bush Campaign, the National Rifle Association, the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, or to the Weevil State University Young Republicans Club. 
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