The Proboscis
Monday, October 20, 2003
  Sadness and Despair

Despite having all the advantages of poise and skill, the mighty Fightin’ Weevils succumbed to the fearsome Pedagogues of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute by a score of 56-0.

Head Coach Bull Winston’s boys seem to have been totally caught off-guard by the women of Northwest Autauga, and Coach is not at all happy about the outcome. Still speaking to THE PROBOSCIS through an intermediary due to impending court action, Coach Winston said, “I feel real bad”.

The Teachers came at the Weevils with a modified run and gun offense and a mauling defensive squad that rolled up 58 sacks, including one late in the third quarter that might knock quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson out for the rest of the season. Coming hard and fast on a safety blitz, NwANI’s 115 pound free safety Monica Weelier, a senior in Early Childhood Education, slammed Jackson to the turf.

As he lay moaning in agony, the training staff went out to take a look. Trainer Luther Winston, himself hobbled by a recent buttocks injury, related that Jackson’s hands were caught between the ball and Miss Weelier. “It just boogered up his little hands something fierce,” said [Luther] Winston. “They need to do something about that girl; she’s too out of control to be playing this game.”

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston was equally put out with the style of play by the Autaugans. “They played real dirty, I think,” he is quoted as saying. “All that juking at the line of scrimmage, and all that bad language, and shoving our boys around like that…it just ain’t right for girls to act like that.”

[Red] Winston’s early game plan to have Jackson use a two-handed grip for throwing the football was quickly changed when it became apparent that the offensive line was having difficulty preventing penetration through the line. “I just told him to do whatever he could to stay away from ‘em.”

Off Coordinator Red Winston said he was very displeased with the play of 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg, “I am real displeased,” he said. “I think he might have gotten sweet on their noseguard (#56, 135 pound freshman Library Science major Nelda Swoonish) and that led him to make some real bad choices.” When asked what changes he might make this week, Coach [Red] Winston said, “I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure, I’m gonna run that big ol’ 32 ounce steak off’n him.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's squad, although initially looking forward to taking on the Pedagogues, allowed them to pile up over 700 yards in total offense—this was prior to Northwest Autauga Normal substituting their second string early in the second half. “I sure could have used my Madden Football game, but I don’t think even that would have helped too much. Them girls was tougher than iron pipe.”

Pressbox Coach Nock Winston was very upset with the play calling, “I am very upset,” he said. “I kept telling Daddy, I mean, Coach Bull that we was getting all eat up, but nobody would listen to me. He just kept a’throwing the headsets around, and they cost like $400 apiece.”

One bright spot for the Weevils was the installation of a new Jumbotron in Weevil Stadium.

Weevil State University falls to 3-3 in regular season play, and drops to fourth place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The Fightin’ Weevils will be taking on cross-state-line rivals Noxubee River (Mississippi) College of the Big American 7-South US Conference on October 25.  
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