The Proboscis
Friday, October 31, 2003
  Melee on Campus

A brawl broke out last evening outside the Old Main Administration building involving faculty members who had gone out trick-or-treating.

According to Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph, the incident began when one faculty member reached into the small plastic pumpkin-shaped bucket of another member and retrieved a piece of candy. After a flurry of cross words, blows were struck, and the ensuing fisticuffs soon involved at least forty faculty and staff members.

Dr. Phillip Sherdlownly, director of the Weevil State University Space Exploration and Small Engine Repair Program identified the original candy filcher as Professor Sheb Winston, of the Physical Appearances department. “I saw Professor Winston reach into Merlene’s [Dr. Merlene Flodimanner, Aquarium Science] little bucket and get out a Pixy Stik.

Professor Winston, when reached for comment, denied he had gotten anything out of Dr. Flodimanner’s bucket, “I don’t even LIKE Pixy Stix,” he said. “She’s the one who reached in and got a Fun Size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup and threw it and hit me in the eye.”

Dr. Flodimanner strongly disputed Professor Winston’s version of events. “OH, he is such a creep. He had been following me around the whole time, wanting some of my Good & Plenties, but I told him to go away or I would report him for creating a hostile work environment.”

Dr. Flodimanner continued, “Well, we had just gotten back to Old Main when I could feel him beside me, running his hand all over my pumpkin. I looked around just in time to catch him with one of my Mounds in his hand, and so I turned around and yelled at him to stop, and he started acting like he hadn’t done anything, and well, things just got out of control.”

Indeed. Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph stated that the consequent affray caused approximately $59 worth of damage to the lawn and patio of Old Main, as well as attracted a large colony of ants to the spilled candy which littered the grounds.

Responding to a call to the Central Dispatch at 7:12 last evening, Chief “T.R.” Randolph and Officers Xing, Ranawatti, Gomez, Gomez, and Greszhnevdarzdekoievski were able to subdue the ruffians and place them in several Ford police vehicles, which were recently purchased from Bill Ruitermann Ford-Lincoln-Mercury Hundai Suzuki on the Bypass. Mr. Ruitermann said, “I am glad they are getting some use out of them, and if any of your readers are in the market, we just got a shipment of '01 Crown Victoria factory executive program cars, all clean and low miles, some still in warranty, in a variety of colors and options, starting at only $9,999.99!”

Adminstration officials were quick to condemn the clash, and have announced that the one-day suspension of the faculty dress code scheduled for tomorrow has been rescinded.

A Faculty Senate hearing over the matter will be convened as soon as enough members are out of the hospital to convene a meeting of the Faculty Senate. 
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