The Proboscis
Friday, October 24, 2003
  Intensified Practice Schedule Hoped to Help Fightin’ Weevils

After last week’s cruel gridiron loss to the ladies of Northwest Autauga Normal Institute, Head Coach Bull Winston’s young pigskinners have been hard at work in their preparations for Saturday’s game versus the ‘Skeeters of Noxubee River College.

Noxubee River (2-5, 2-2 in conference play), a powerhouse in the six-school Big American 7-South US Conference, looks to be equally well-prepared for the contest, ready to vanquish their embarrassment of last season when the mighty Fightin’ Weevils smacked them down by a score of 4-3.

Rumors of several Weevil State players being close to placement on academic probation have turned out to be false. Coach Bull Winston, speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via a spokesman, pending outcome of particular legal matters against the paper, reports that ongoing discussions with the faculty of the Languge Arts Department have gone well. “Looks good,” said Coach.

In other matters, Coach Bull Winston and the rest of the coaching staff deny earlier reports that they were physically assaulted by 400 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg, allegedly for their having made jokes of the burly center for buckling down and actually studying. “We was not hurt,” said Coach Bull Winston. Reached at his home, Halfbacks Coach Needer Winston disputed that, saying, “We was hurt real good.”

Smattersberg had no comment on the matter, although he did seem to be emotionally drained by the experience, having gone through an entire box of Puffs facial tissues, which he used to blot away the tears from his face. “No comment,” he said. Asked about his supposed blossoming relationship with Northwest Autauga noseguard Nelda Swoonish, Smattersberg was more vocal, “That ain’t none of your business,” he said.

Not in dispute is the terrible loss of quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson due to a fiercesome tackle during last week’s shutout. His hands, usually rather small and, some might say, delicate, are still swollen and sore. Team trainer Luther Winston said he was not optimistic, “I am not optimiscit,” he said, “I think them little hands of his has done throwed their last ball.”

Stepping in to take over for Jackson is redshirt freshman John Walking Tree, an Applied Plastic Arts major from Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada. Tree, 195 pounds, 6 feet tall, with 4.1 speed in the 40, had played Canadian football all through grammar and high school.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says that he is wary about putting Tree in the lineup, but had no choice. “We had no choice,” he said. Asked why such a seemingly talented player had not received more attention, [Red] Winston said, “Well, he ain’t as experienced as all that. That Canadian ballgame is all different, what with that bigger field and all, and frankly we just didn’t think he could do the job. He does have regular-sized hand, though.” Winston noted that Tree seems not to have any problems either throwing the ball or running with it. “Well, this is just practice. We’ll see how he does out there in the big game.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's men on the receiving end of the ‘Skeeters’ powerful offense have also been picking up the pace this week. Coach [Hick] Winston reports that they are ready to play, “They are ready to play,” he said. “I have found out that that Madden Football game ain’t all that great for real, live ball games, but one of the fellows has one of them electric football games that buzzes and vibrates like, and you oughta seem them little boogers move around!” Asked if he thought such a device would be more useful than a handheld video game, Coach [Hick] Winston said, “Yes.”

Weevil State University is now 3-3 in regular season play, and dropped last week to fourth place in the Great South USA American South Conference. Next week, the Fightin’ Weevils will be traveling to northwest Florida to play De Funiak Springs Mechanical University.  
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