The Proboscis
Monday, October 27, 2003
  Heartstopping, Breathtaking, But Not Fatal!!

Joy once again returned to the pine barrens and pasturelands this week, as our beloved Fightin’ Weevils fought a ferocious battle with the blood-sucking ‘Skeeters of Noxubee River College on Saturday. After concluding regular play with a 2-2 tie, the Skeeters and Weevils went after each other in a record-breaking 17 overtimes, leading to a final score of 74-71.

Noxubee River (2-6, 2-2 in conference play), known beforehand as a powerhouse in the six-school Big American 7-South US Conference, demonstrated great poise and determination, but they could not vanquish the proud Weevil State spirit.

Mrs. Eunice Flunnery, visiting campus to attend the game and to see her son Ty Snoodler (sophomore, Motion Picture Arts and Sciences) reported that the game was the most exciting one she had ever seen, “It was the most exciting game I have ever seen,” she said.

Coach Bull Winston, speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via a spokesman, pending outcome of particular legal matters against the paper, said he was incredibly pleased with the effort of his entire squad, “I am real pleased,” he said.

The regulation time game, which began as a furious struggle in the trenches as each team swapped offsetting safeties in the first and the third quarters of play, was a study in strategy and tactics, with neither team able to overcome the other.

Junior tailback Schwa Tilde (Retail Item Price Gun Operations major) reports that he was having trouble with the big Skeeter defense. “I would try to run, and they would knock me down,” he said.

Tilde had –15 yards in rushing offense, including the carry which resulted in the safety for the Skeeters, in which he was chased down and sacked 56 yards behind the line of scrimmage, having run through many defenders and at least two of his own offensive linemen to reach his own end zone.

One player who did seem to have a good day in spite of growing controversy was 398 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg. He was allowed to start for the Weevils and acquitted himself admirably, although not before having an emotional moment in the 4th overtime.

One of the players on the Noxubee River squad began taunting Smattersberg about his girlfriend, reputedly a fellow footballer by the name of Nelda Swoonish, noseguard for the Northwest Autauga Normal Institute. Play had to be stopped as Smattersberg complained about something being in his eye. He ran off-field to remove the offending matter with a tissue and compose himself, then returned to continue the showdown.

In his debut with the Fightin’ Weevils, taking over quarterback duties for injured starting quarterback D'Wontavius Jackson was redshirt freshman John Walking Tree. Tree used all of his experience and skill to move the Weevils both up and down the gridiron, although the crucial ability to score points was not evident until the 6th overtime, when one of his numerous perfectly thrown passes of the evening was actually caught by the receiver, senior wide receiver Lexus Calhoun.

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston says his initial wariness about putting Tree in the lineup was misplaced, especially by about the 8th overtime, “He done pretty okay, I reckon,” said [Red] Winston. “I think he’s still got too much Canadian football in him, though.”

Defensive Coordinator Hick Winston's Eleven paced themselves well throughout the struggle, and with the able assistance of Pressbox Coach Nock Winston, the ill-advised use of video gamesmanship gave way to a more traditional mechanism. Although Coach [Nock] Winston takes full credit for the defensive playcalling, Coach [Hick] Winston is convinced of the utility of the well-known electronic vibrating board to determine his play calling. “And you know what? With enough time, each week we can paint us up a mess of these little guys in the colors of the other teams we play, and it makes it even more realistic-like than that dumb old Madden game!”, said [Hick] Winston.

The game, which did not officially end until Daylight Savings Time ended, was truly one for the record books.

Weevil State University is now 4-3 in regular season play, and has also returned to third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. This week, the Fightin’ Weevils will be traveling to Northwest Florida to play De Funiak Springs Mechanical University. 
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