The Proboscis
Monday, October 13, 2003
  From the scrub pine and snaky pasturelands of the south central western portion of Alabama, somewhere south of Fayette…

Our beloved Weevil State University Fightin’ Weevils have yet again managed to emerge with a hard fought victory over our downstate rivals, Bay Minette A&M!!

Although hampered by ongoing allegations of alleged ongoings at a strip club on the Connecticut/Massachusetts state line, Head Coach Bull Winston appeared to be able to put aside those thoughts and concerns and lead the WSU Eleven to a thrilling 3-2 romp over the Steamboatmen.

Coach Winston was very pleased with the outcome, “I am very pleased,” he said, still speaking to THE PROBOSCIS via an intermediary.

Early in the game a botched flea-flicker by the Weevils on the Steamboatmen’s 40 yard line caused a free-for-all as the ball was tumbled and batted around for a loss of 60 yards until it was finally recovered by freshman running back and Hammering Technology major Terdin Glummen, who was promptly fallen on by the Bay Minette star free safety, Bob Smith, for a safety.

The game then became a titanic defensive struggle for the remainder of the game, with each team alternately running and throwing and then losing the ball. Offensive Coordinator Red Winston had been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson all week, but was somewhat disappointed in the final statistics showing a total offense of only 3 yards rushing, and –5 passing. The wishbone offense put in place at the last minute by Coach Red Winston seemed to not be well received. “We thought maybe he could do that little play action option thing and hand it to someone, but when he gets nervous, his hands sweat up a lot and we can’t find anything to help him.” Jackson did have one very long pass late in the third quarter, which was intercepted. The offensive line was very effective, and 405 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg fell on several defenders, causing them to be mashed severely.

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad on the other hand, managed to put in a respectable performance, although certain disaster loomed when the team took the field in the second half. “Well, my batteries went low on my Madden Football, and I didn’t know hardly what to do, so we just run right at them, and we did alright,” said Coach Winston. Despite allowing 300 yards of total offense, the A&M team was hampered by their own ineptitude within the red zone, and could not capitalize on the mistakes which presented themselves to the team. “I think we done real good,” said Coach Hick Winston, despite protestations from Pressbox Coach Nock Winston.

“He was just doing what I’ve been telling him to do all season,” said [Nock] Winston.

Despite the level of game play, all appeared to be lost until only 7 minutes remained in the fourth quarter, when the Bay Minette squad coughed up the ball on their own 10 yard line. After three hard downs in which the Weevils were backed up another ten yards, a crucial fourth-and-twenty field goal attempt was made.

Special Teams coach Rory Winston reports that senior kicker Buddy Winston (not the same Buddy Winston who is son of Weevil’s trainer Luther Winston) was the very model of coolness, “I think he might have gotten into something, because he was real sleepy and kind of talking out of his head like.” Regardless, in the crucial moment, the field goal attempt wobbled through the electrified atmosphere of Weevil Stadium and just barely bounded over the crossbar, falling over to send the Weevils ahead by a point.

Although the Bay Minette team attempted a hurry-up offense in the closing minutes, the hard-charging Weevils managed to stave off their attempts and emerge victorious.

Weevil State University is now 3-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 18, when the Weevils play host to Northwest Autauga Normal Institute.  
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