The Proboscis
Friday, October 10, 2003
  Football Wrapup

After past weeks of thrills and disappointments, with the arrest of known loner Thad Bointnut in connection with the theft of beloved Beau Weevil’s mascot head, a road game beset with no small amount of controversy, the appearance on campus of famed trial attorney Johnnie Cochran at the behest of Head Coach Bull Winston in his impending lawsuit against this publication, and the admission of trainer Luther Winston to the HealthSouth Central Southwest South TriCounty Regional Medical Clinic for birdshot puncture wounds to the buttocks, it seems as though the mighty Fightin’ Weevils football squad have been ignored.

Not so, says Coach Bull Winston, speaking through an intermediary. “We practice every day,” he said. Which is going to be crucial in this week’s game against the Steamboatmen of Bay Minette A&M, according to sources

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston has been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson all week. “He’s been having cramps real bad in his hands since last weekend when he was…well, he has real small hands and all. We think we might be able to come up with some sort of varitation on the wishbone that’ll be good for him. If he can’t get a good holt on the ball, he can always just sort of lob it off to Hun [senior tailback Attila Hunderbunk] or he could loft it or something.”

Asked about the surprising announcement that 405 pound center Joe Lee Smattersberg would be undergoing stomach stapling surgery in November, Coach [Red] Winston said he was trying to convince Smattersberg to wait. “I brung him in the office the other day and got out my big staple gun and hit a couple of good pops right there above his navel with some 1” shingle staples until he started crying. I think I might be able to talk some sense to him now.”

Offensive right guard Lunt Cleemnerfil, a junior from Intercourse, Alabama majoring in Garbage Receptacle Science wishes to say hello to his parents, Jim and Jimmi Cleemnerfil. “I also want to say hey to Peepaw and Neener, and Big Mama and Pap, and Uncle Dick and Aunt Weeni, and everybody.”

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad is looking forward to tangling with the Steamboatmen this week. “We’re looking forward to playing them guys,” he said. “I have figured out a couple of cheat codes on the Madden Football game, and I feel like that if they get close to scoring or something, I can always do that Pause Game, Right, Left, A…well, I better not say no more or them guys from Bay Minette will know what we’re doing.”

Defensive strong safety Gordon Ho’oannookolou’a, 540 pound senior majoring in Locomotive Repair from American Samoa said he was looking forward to hosting the Steamboatmen, “I’m looking forward to playing them,” he said. This meeting is especially sweet for Ho’oannookolou’a, in that he was strongly recruited by A&M. “I found out that even though they call themselves the “Steamboatmen,” they don’t have any sort of a live-steam curriculum to speak of. For me, WSU was an obvious choice.”

Special Teams coach Rory Winston reports that Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta, world famous Czech Olympic quoits champion and backup kicker, continues to recover from his recent bout of monkeypox. Senior kicker Buddy Winston, last week allowed to travel with the team to Massachusetts, had his final court appearance earlier in the week where he was convicted of charges of Second Degree Conversion of Property and sentenced to time served. Winston said he was relieved the ordeal is over, “I’m relieved the ordeal is over,” he said.

At press time, it appears that the team’s physical training and medical needs will be served by Buddy Winston, son of the team’s head trainer, Luther Winston. “I have a great deal of experience,” said the acting trainer, noting he had a broad knowledge of tape, as well as his own bottle of Absorbine, Jr.

Weevil State University remains 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 18, when the Weevils play host to Northwest Autauga Normal Institute. 
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