The Proboscis
Friday, October 03, 2003
  Football News

The buses have just pulled away from campus carrying our Fightin’ Weevils up to Arkham, Massachusetts for their first ever meeting against Miskatonic University. Arkham, a hotbed of football fun, is also home to the Arkham Fighting Cephalopods pro team, as well as the Miskatonic Whippoorwills.

Weevils Head Coach Bull Winston was optimistic about their prospects, “I’m real optimistic,” he said.

“We don’t know no whole lot about them—haven’t been able to watch no game film or nothing. We keep hearing about this Thoolu or Cootloo fellow [sic, “Cthulhu” Ed.] but we can’t quite figure out if he’s the coach or their quarterback or what. I reckon we’ll find out when we get there.”

The Fightin’ Weevils will be missing one of their star players this week, as former Czech Olympic quoits champion Czrmladc Buteriskavianiesta is not feeling well due to a bout of monkeypox. Fortunately, senior kicker Buddy Winston was released from custody in a temporary parole arrangement and Special Teams coach Rory Winston seems confident of his abilities, “He’ll do alright, I reckon,” said Coach.

After last week’s difficulties with the passing game, Offensive Coordinator Red Winston has been working hard with quarterback D’Wontavius Jackson on running. “We need to run more,” said Coach [Red] Winston. “Them little hands of his, you know…”

Coach Hick Winston's defensive squad is looking forward to tangling with the Whippoorwills this week. “We’re looking forward to playing them guys,” said Coach, “I got me one of them handheld Madden Football games now, so I can carry it around with me on the sidelines.”

Pressbox Coach Nock Winston was less enthused about the use of the Madden device, “No, I’m calling the plays, and if he [Coach Hick Winston] don’t like it, he just needs to talk to Daddy [Head Coach Bull Winston] about it right now.”

Weevil State University is now 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are again home against Bay Minette A&M. 
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