The Proboscis
Monday, October 06, 2003

Legal Action May Follow!

In a stunning development this past weekend, the Weevil State University athletic department was trapped in the tentacles of a gigantic hoax.

After driving for over twenty straight hours and 1300 miles from Weevil Station to reach the town of Arkham, Massachusetts, Head Coach Bull Winston and the Fightin’ Weevils found they had been the dupes of a cruel fiction, a mean-spirited jape upon their trusting and fine nature.

Upon their return last night, this reporter had an in-depth interview with Coach Winston to attempt to discern how this odious deed was perpetrated. Coach Winston was asked how the trip unfolded.

“It was fine,” he said. “You know we left Friday morning, and was going to drive straight through then get there on Saturday, then have a bit of time to walk the field and stuff. Well, we got up yonder, and we was following this map we got sent, and got all turned around trying to find this place. We stopped a couple of times to ask for directions to Miskatonic, but all them people up there talk so funny couldn’t none of us understand what they was a saying, and Professor MommaBear’s telephone wasn’t working, so we couldn’t get her to translate. Anyway, we kept asking and folks just looked at us like we was idiots or something.”

An Answer at Last

“We finally pulled in to a gas station somewhere around Salem or some such place and there was some smart-alecky kid working the pump. The boys all got out to go get a cold drink, and me and Luther [Winston—WSU trainer] tried to ask him where Arkham was, and he just started a’laughing and all like he was laughing at us, and so Luther took the first aid box and whanged him on his head, and I told Luther he shouldn’t have ought to have done that. Luther got one of the ammonia things and got him breathing again, and I made him apologize to the little smart-aleck right then, and then asked the boy where we was supposed to go. He said that he didn’t know who had been a’messing with us, but that this Miskatonic University and this Arkham, Massatushets places was just fissio…make-believe! Luther was about to whump him again, and I made him stop, because the boy wasn’t laughing at us no more and because I was afraid Luther might break our bottle of iodine; but anyway, that little smart-aleck said that the fellow that wrote all these stories was some Lovecraft man.”

The Call

“And see, I remember talking to some fellow that called up back last year when I was a’making out the schedules, and he said he was the Miskatonic AD, and he said his name was Lovecraft. So we’re standing there, and it finally dawns on me that we had been snookered right good!”

The coach’s anger could be seen as it flowed through his body, and every muscle in his neck twitched.

“I tell you right now, if I find that wormy little Lovecraft fellow, I’m not going to be real Christian towards him at all!”

Alternatives Discussed

“So, I got the boys back together and told them that this little smart-alecky boy had told me that this whole deal was just one big put-on by some fancy writer man, and they was just about to jump the boy and I told them not to because Luther’d done got him one. I loaded them back on the bus, and us coaches all had us a meeting right there. We figured there wasn’t much else we could do—we had all that money with us for Gatorade and groceries and the motel rooms, so we turned the bus around and headed back down the road to that strip club we had seen back there at the Connecticut line.”

Coarse Women

“We pulled up to this joint, and I tell you, I regret taking the boys there. We walked in and right away we knew we’d made a mistake—them girls didn’t have a bit of makeup on, and you know how coarse some of them Yankee girls look. There was several of them that could’ve done an extra lap around their legs and under their arms with the razor, too. And to make it even worse, the boys said they heard some of them girls just a’cussing up a storm—I tell you what, it just makes you wonder about how some folks are raised."

“The only one of us that seemed to be having any sort of time was D’Wontavius—he found some gal who was…well, she didn’t have too much in the way of a figure—she was built like a mop, but her and D’Won seemed to hit it off.”

Coach rubbed his face and looked thoughtful—“He’s got them tiny little hands and all, you know…”

Leaving Out

“We weren’t having too much fun, and then that blowhard Ted Kennedy showed up with a mess of folks and they was all in their cups and such, and there just wasn’t no sort of way we was going to stay there with a bunch of drunk Kennedys on the loose, so we loaded on back up and headed home. That sure was one long trip for nothing.”

Offensive Coordinator Red Winston did manage to find one bright spot in the horrid events, “Well, we didn’t lose,” he said.

That may not be good enough for one Alabama state legislator.

The Legal Option

State of Alabama 36th District Senator Cadmus Preston “Ned” Forntlivaughn, III (D. Lubbub) is outraged at what has befallen Weevil State.

“I tell you it is an outrage that the great people of the State of Alabama and of the 36th District have had their precious monies wasted away by filthy evildoers who would sully our fine citizens with this ill-advised and mean-mannered despicable act of deceit by this author Lovecraft. In the next regular session, I will introduce legislation to amend the Constitution of Alabama to make it a capital felony for authors to induce, coerce, or by any fraudulent means whatsoever, cause a football team in this state to schedule a game with a school which does not exist.”

Coach Bull Winston is grateful for the support of the senator, and hopes the legislation will pass. “I sure hope this passes,” he said. “We need to be protected from mess like this.”

Weevil State University remains 2-2 in regular season play, and remains in third place in the Great South USA American South Conference. The next Great South USA American South Conference game will be on October 11, when the Weevils are home again to host Bay Minette A&M. 
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