The Proboscis
Thursday, October 02, 2003

In a surprise move, the Democratic presidential candidate debate was held last night. Campus Police Chief Tommy “T.R.” Randolph explains:
Well, you see, with that Thad nut spouting off, as well as some other incidents I cannot disclose at this time, we decided to put out that bogus cancellation report. Because of security concerns, we moved the debate to the CNBC-3 studios. Apparently the SCA is a front for a terrorist group known as the "Spenichistas". Based on our leading-edge terrorist training, we put the campus on a double-secret code yellow alert. We had the Grinder's Switch National Guard, one of the few not called up yet, on alert just in case. I even had to tell my wife that I was going to help with some rookie training last night. Uh oh, now she's going to know ... honey, it was for your own protection!

A small audience was rounded up by inviting some of the teams that were done playing in their rec. soccer league, as well as some students hanging out in the game room at De Soto Hall and various faculty that happened to be blogging at their offices past 4 pm. The debate was spirited but did not yield any quotes worth repeating. The moderation from Ms. O'Donnell was the highlight of the evening.

Some comments from those in attendance:
On Howard Dean - He's shorter than I expected.
On John Kerry - Oooh, I'd kill for that haircut, but who has $200 for a trim?
On Dennis Kucinich - He reminded me of my sixth grade soccer coach.
On Wesley Clarke - He was a general ... in the army ... really?
On Carol Mosely-Braun - Va va va voom, she really brings some glamour to this gang.
On John Edwards - I wouldn't let him represent me in a courtroom, let alone vote for him.

From the Q&A session, the 4 questions (with response) for Ms. Mosely-Braun:
1. Illinois has given us Lincoln, Reagan and Hillary - are you next in line? CM-B: But of course.
2. Is it true that you have over 400 pair of shoes in your closet? CM-B: No.
3. Then how many do you have? CM-B: Ummm ... a little over 200.
4. What's your take on the Rush Limbaugh comment about Donovan McNabb: CM-B: While I have not met him in person, from what I have seen Rush is not big nor is he fat. And Donovan can be a QB on my team any day - whoo!

Fortunately the debate went without incident, thanks to the heightened security provided by Chief Randolph and his dedicated crew. The debate will be rebroadcast on CNBC-3 at 8 pm, interrupting their round-the-clock coverage of YellowCake-Gate. Questions about Ms. O'Donnell and her stay here have been met with tight lips and icy stares from the Chancellor and his secretary. An unsubstantiated report has revealed that a framed 8x10 glossy of Ms. O'Donnell inscribed with "Thanks Big Guy! Hugs, Norah" is now sitting on the Chancellor's desk.

The League of Weevil Voters wants to thank all concerned for making this debate the huge success that it was.

The Official Campus Newspaper
Weevil State University

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Weevil State University Faculty
Mac Thomason
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Other College Newspapers
The Auburn Plainsman
The Chanticleer
The Exponent
Crimson White
The Flor-Ala
The Tropolitan
The Vanguard
Other Newspapers of Interest
Pickens County Herald
Cape Gazette
The Times, London
The Wall Street Journal
Daily Mountain Eagle
Washington Post
The Greenville Advocate
Sumter County Record-Journal

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