Office of the ChancellorThe Chancellor's Office has issued a Memorandum of Recommendation to the Board of Regents asking that the DOOFUS Department be added to the University, as well as the addition of Senor Velazquez as Department Overlord and Chief Curmudgeon.
Suite 213 Old Main
Weevil State University
39761 East South Boulevard
Weevil Station, AL
September 24, 2003
Dear Mr. Chancellor:
It is with great excitement and anticipation that I would like to propose the following for inclusion in the Weevil State University system:Department Of Old Farts and Undeniable Sequiturs (DOOFUS) - Preserving tradition and dishing out scowls [The department will be devoted to establishing the best community standards and social institutions, determining how new-fangled ways have gotten us into the trouble that we're in, and advocating old-fashioned common sense solutions.]Please accept my application for WSU - DOOFUS Chief Curmudgeon. Besides meeting the above list, the following sums up my qualifications:
Qualifications for staff position:
1. Uniform: pants over belly, faded flannel shirt, white socks and beat-up brogans. Suspenders optional.
2. Can still remember - changing the channel/volume by walking to the TV and turning a dial, properly handling a vinyl LP, not having to worry about kids looking at a magazine rack, listening to AM radio for popular music.
3. Know the difference between Bear and Lane Bryant.
4. Consider M&M still a candy and not rap-noise.
5. Possess underwear old enough to be well into teenage years.
6. Eating out means not standing in line or spending more than $6 on overcooked vegetables, done and back home by 5 pm for 2 hours of news.
7. Support the movement in eliminating formulaic classic rock stations.
8. Recite the words to the "Bonanza" theme song.
9. Give a consistent groan/grunt when getting up from a chair.
- Diego de Velazquez was a Spanish conquistador (second voyage by Columbus) and the first governor of Cuba in 1520 (De Soto the dashing young conquistador was made governor of Cuba by Emperor Charles V after DdV), and a different Diego Velazquez was the royal court painter for Spain in the mid 17th century
- De Soto traveled through North Carolina before heading to Alabama
- Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition!
- Diligently training in DOOFUS for over a decade, accredited by many fine institutions
I realize that Chief Curmudgeon is a tempting position, but as Chancellor you have your hands full administering campus services. I'm trying to get my name in and approved before others hear of this plum assignment.
As for Prof. Fuddpucker [sic], you can probably give him one of those "emeritus" titles. My salary and housing demands will be slight, depending on the
loose change in your pocket from the monument sales.
Yours ever so humbly,
Sr. Marc Velazquez WSU '56